Have you ever felt blindsided when someone insists they know how you’re feeling? It’s not just annoying—it’s a connection killer.
But why does it happen, and how can we turn these moments into opportunities for deeper connection?
In this episode, you’ll learn:
- The golden rule of emotional connection (hint: it’s all about the question mark).
- How to respond when someone tells you how you feel—without flipping the table.
- The tools you need to improve emotional literacy and foster true intimacy.
If you’ve ever said, “Stop telling me how I feel!” or felt misunderstood, this episode will change how you communicate forever.
Download the handout: Episode Notes + Feelings & Needs Inventory
The Problem with Telling Someone How They Feel
When you tell someone how they feel, it’s like slapping a label on their emotions without asking permission. Even if your intuition is spot-on, making definitive statements about another person’s feelings often leads to frustration, disconnection, and defensiveness.
Why It Happens
Most people mean well when they make these comments. It often comes from a place of:
- Intuition: You sense something’s off and want to address it.
- Projection: You assume someone feels a certain way based on your own emotions.
- Fear: You’re worried about being rejected or misunderstood, so you try to define the situation.
But here’s the kicker: no one likes having their autonomy taken away. Telling someone how they feel robs them of the opportunity to express their emotions in their own way, which can feel invalidating—even if you’re technically “right.”
Emotional Intimacy Starts with Curiosity
If you want to connect on a deeper level, curiosity is your secret weapon. Instead of statements, lead with questions.
The Golden Rule: Use a Question Mark
A statement like, “You’re mad at me,” puts someone on the defensive. But if you ask, “Are you feeling upset?” it invites them to reflect and share their emotions in a way that feels safe.
By leaving space for their perspective, you create an environment where true emotional intimacy can flourish.
The Problem with Emotional Illiteracy
A major roadblock to emotional intimacy is emotional illiteracy—a lack of vocabulary to describe how we feel. For example, if the only words you have for emotions are “angry” or “fine,” it’s tough to dive deeper into meaningful conversations.
That’s why expanding your emotional vocabulary is so important. Tools like a Feelings & Needs Spreadsheet (linked in the show notes) can help. This simple resource lists common feelings and needs, making it easier to pinpoint your emotions and express them clearly.
Practice Emotional Literacy:
- Ask yourself, “How do I feel?”
- Refer to the spreadsheet for specific words (e.g., “frustrated,” “overwhelmed,” “hopeful”).
- Use those words to express your emotions to others.
When you improve your emotional literacy, you can better articulate your feelings, creating stronger connections and avoiding misunderstandings.
What to Do When Someone Tells You How You Feel
Let’s say someone tells you, “You’re angry with me.” How do you handle it without escalating the situation?
Step 1: Set a Boundary
It’s okay to push back. Politely but firmly say, “Please don’t tell me how I feel. Let me figure it out and share with you.” This establishes respect for your autonomy.
Step 2: Acknowledge Their Perception
Chances are, the person isn’t completely off. You can validate their intuition while clarifying your emotions:
- “I see why you might think that. I do feel frustrated, but it’s not directed at you—it’s about something else.”
Step 3: Take Time to Reflect
If you’re unsure how you feel, it’s okay to pause. Say, “I’m not sure yet. Let me take a moment to figure it out.”
Why People Tell You How You Feel
Understanding why someone insists they know your emotions can help you respond with empathy instead of frustration.
1. They’re Anxious
Insecure people might try to define your emotions because they’re worried about rejection or conflict. By naming your feelings, they’re attempting to control the situation to feel safer.
2. They’re Projecting
Sometimes, people see their own emotions reflected in you. If they’re feeling hurt or upset, they might assume you’re angry, even if that’s not the case.
3. They Lack Emotional Tools
Not everyone knows how to engage in emotional intimacy. Telling someone how they feel might be their clumsy way of trying to connect.
How to Respond with Empathy
When someone says, “You’re angry with me,” it’s tempting to snap back. But instead of reacting, consider what they might actually need.
Respond with Curiosity:
- “Are you feeling upset? Let’s talk about it.”
Affirm Their Effort:
- “I see you’re trying to understand how I feel. Let me clarify so we’re on the same page.”
Tips for Avoiding Emotional Missteps
If you’ve ever been the one telling someone how they feel, here’s how to shift toward healthier communication:
1. Phrase It as a Guess
Instead of, “You’re mad,” say, “I imagine you might feel upset. Is that true?”
2. Give Them Space
If they need time to process their emotions, respect that. Emotions can be complex and layered—it’s okay if they don’t have an answer right away.
3. Use “I” Statements
Focus on your own emotions instead of making assumptions about theirs. For example, “I feel disconnected when we’re not communicating openly.”
The Pie Theory of Emotional Intuition
Emotions are like a pie: you might guess part of someone’s emotional experience, but you rarely see the whole picture.
For example:
- Your partner seems frustrated, and you assume it’s directed at you.
- In reality, they’re frustrated about work, tired from lack of sleep, and a bit annoyed with you.
Instead of assuming you know the whole pie, ask questions to let them fill in the missing pieces.
Building Emotional Intimacy with Tools
Improving your emotional communication takes practice. Here’s how to get started:
- Use the Feelings & Needs Spreadsheet:
This tool expands your emotional vocabulary and helps you identify your needs. - Practice Reflective Listening:
Repeat back what someone shares to show you’re listening and seeking clarity. - Be Patient:
Emotions are messy. Give yourself and others the grace to navigate them imperfectly.
Final Thoughts: Connection Over Conflict
Telling someone how they feel can feel like a shortcut to understanding, but it often leads to disconnection. Instead, approach emotions with curiosity, respect, and an open heart.
Remember:
- Emotional intimacy is built on mutual respect and autonomy.
- Asking questions is always more effective than making assumptions.
- Tools like the Feelings & Needs Spreadsheet can help you express yourself and connect more deeply with others.
Ready to dive deeper? Listen to the full podcast episode for actionable tips and download the Feelings & Needs Spreadsheet to enhance your emotional literacy today.