The #1 (Secret) Practice for Trust and Reliability

Have you ever thought, “Can I really trust and rely on my partner?” “How can I avoid being let down again?” or “Why is my partner mad at me, even though I have the best intentions?”

These are questions that come up often in my relationship & intimacy coaching practice—so if they resonate with you, trust me, you’re not alone.

In this episode, I tackle the big questions:

• Where does trust come from, and why is it so hard to rebuild?
• Why do we trust some people instinctively but doubt others?
• If you’ve ever receive complaints about your possible lack of reliability, what can you do to change that?

This isn’t just theory—it’s practical. I’ll walk you through the #1 practice that changed my entire understanding of trust and reliability. If you’ve ever heard complaints about not showing up or dropping the ball, this episode might just change your life.

Ready to transform how you build (and earn) trust? Tap play now!

Download the handout: Episode Notes + Self-Accountability Process

What Is Trust, Really?

At its core, trust comes from repeated reliability and dependability. Notice the keyword: repeated. It’s not about showing up perfectly one time—it’s about showing up consistently over time.

Why Is Trust So Important?

Trust is tied deeply to identity and relationships. When someone questions our trustworthiness, it feels personal because it challenges how we see ourselves. Similarly, when trust is broken, it can feel like the ground has shifted beneath us.

If you’ve ever felt betrayed or struggled to trust others, you’re not alone. Often, trust issues are rooted in past experiences—perhaps a childhood marked by unreliable caregivers or previous relationships where promises were broken.

While those past wounds matter, this article focuses on the present and future: how you can build and maintain trust through intentional actions.

The Building Blocks of Trust

To cultivate trust, three key elements must work together:

1. Awareness
2. Focus
3. Habit

Let’s break these down:

1. Awareness

Awareness is about understanding the agreements you make, your priorities, and the impact of your actions on others.

Ask Yourself:

• What agreements am I entering into?
  Are they explicit or unspoken? For example, moving in with a partner creates implicit agreements about shared responsibilities—whether you’ve discussed them or not.
• What are my priorities (and theirs)?
  Misaligned priorities often lead to broken trust. If an agreement isn’t a top priority for one person, it’s likely to fall through.
• What are the consequences of my actions on others?
  Small actions, like being late to a meeting or ignoring a promise, send unspoken messages about what (or who) you value.

2. Focus

Trust requires consistent attention. It’s not a “set it and forget it” process. Focus means prioritizing trust-building behaviors daily, like keeping promises and communicating clearly when things change.

3. Habit

Trust isn’t built through one grand gesture—it’s solidified through repeated, small actions over time. These actions create habits that reinforce reliability and dependability.

The Cost of Broken Agreements

Broken agreements don’t just disappoint others—they undermine your confidence and self-image. Consider this example from the podcast:

A workshop participant showed up late and assumed it wasn’t a big deal. But their tardiness disrupted the group, created frustration, and sent an unintentional message: “This isn’t a priority for me.”

By ignoring the chain of responsibility, they inadvertently broke trust with the group.

The lesson? Every action (or inaction) has ripple effects. Being mindful of these consequences is a cornerstone of building trust.

Honesty and Vulnerability: Trust’s Secret Ingredients

Trust doesn’t require perfection—it thrives on honesty and vulnerability. Sharing your truth, even when it’s uncomfortable, builds emotional safety and connection.

In a group setting, for example, opening up about why you were late fosters understanding. Instead of offering a defensive excuse, saying, “I prioritized a project over arriving on time because it’s important to me,” invites compassion and clarity.

The #1 Practice for Trust and Reliability

The Self-Accountability and Integrity Process is a powerful tool to identify blind spots, address broken agreements, and strengthen trust. Here’s how it works.

Mindset: it’s not about shaming, it’s about being objective and curious.

1. What was the specific agreement/commitment?
2. What did you choose to make more important than keeping your agreement?
3. What was the IMPACT on yourself?
4. What was the IMPACT your choice may have had on others?
5. What is the MESSAGE you may have sent about them? (Say, “you are…”)
6. What is the SHADOW, the belief you are making up about yourself that leads you to this behavior?
7. Is that the person you want to be?
8. What kind of person do you want to be? What is your truth? (Say, “I am…”)
9. What is a SMART stretch you can make to pierce that shadow and reaffirm the truth about you and help you come back into integrity with yourself?

SMART: Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relative (or Relevant), Time-bound

Step 1: Identify the Agreement

What specific agreement or commitment did you make? This could be an explicit promise (“I’ll be home by 7 PM”) or an unspoken expectation (“I’ll help clean up after dinner”).

Step 2: Recognize Your Priorities

What did you prioritize instead of keeping this agreement? Maybe you chose to finish a work project over spending time with your partner, or you got caught up in traffic because you left late.

Step 3: What was the IMPACT on yourself?

How did breaking the agreement affect you emotionally and practically?

Step 4: What was the IMPACT your choice may have had on others?

How did breaking the agreement affect others emotionally and practically?

Step 5: What is the MESSAGE you may have sent about them?

Every action sends a message. By breaking an agreement, you might unintentionally communicate:

• “You’re not a priority to me.”
• “I don’t value this relationship.”

Even if these messages aren’t your intent, they shape how others perceive your reliability.

Step 6: Address Shadow Beliefs

Shadow beliefs are subconscious thoughts that drive behavior, like:

• “It’s not my fault.”
• “I’m not good enough.”
• “Others don’t matter.”
• “I don’t matter.”

Uncovering these beliefs helps you understand why you made certain choices. For instance, if you consistently run late, you might unconsciously believe your time is more important than others’.

Step 7: Is that the person you want to be?

Assess if your behavior represent your personality.

Ask yourself:

• Is this who I want to be?
• What kind of person am I committed to becoming?

Step 8: Is that the person you want to be?

Realign yourself with your conscious intention. Create an “I am” statement to guide your behavior:

• “I am reliable.”
• “I am someone who keeps their promises.”

Step 9: Create a SMART Stretch Goal

A SMART stretch goal helps you align your actions with your values.

Make sure you set yourself up for success.

• Specific: Clearly define the action (e.g., “Write an affirmation on a sticky note, and stick it on the bathroom mirror”).
• Measurable: Track progress (e.g., “Do this 3 times in the next 7 days”).
• Achievable: Ensure you set yourself for success (e.g., “If I do it 3 times I’ve achieved my goal, any more is pure bonus”).
• Relevant: Meant to pierce the shadow belief (e.g., “I’m not superhuman, trying to do it all gets me in trouble”).
• Time-bound: Set a specific timeframe.

Practical Example: The Late Arrival

Imagine you promised to arrive at a workshop on time but showed up 15 minutes late. Here’s how the practice might look:

1. Agreement: Be there at 10 a.m.
2. Priority: You prioritized squeezing in another task instead of leaving early.
3. Impact on You: You felt stressed out, embarrassed, and less confident.
4. Impact on Others: The group had to wait, causing frustration and judgments.
5. Message: Your actions signaled the workshop wasn’t a top priority.
6. Shadow Belief: “I’m superhuman, I can do it all!”
7. Identity Check: No, being late doesn’t align with who you want to be.
8. Truth: “I am someone who respect people by valuing their time.”
9. SMART Goal: Right an affirmation on a sticky note “Less is more” or “Leaving space between activities allows me to feel relaxed and more present to others.” Place it on your bathroom window and read it out loud 3 times (minimum) during the next 7 days.

Final Thoughts: The Road to Trust

Building trust takes time, consistency, and intentionality. It’s not about never making mistakes—it’s about owning them, addressing their impact, and taking steps to rebuild.

Remember:

• Trust grows from repeated reliability.
• Broken trust can be mended through self-accountability and intentional change.
• Honesty and vulnerability are your greatest tools.

Ready to strengthen trust in your relationships? Start by practicing the awareness, the focus, and the habit—and download the accompanying worksheet to dive deeper.