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How Trauma Affects Your Intimacy and How to Dissolve It

    By nature, intimate relationships bring all our stuff to the surface, including any unresolved trauma.

    Until each partner heal their trauma, they’re doomed to project their fears and negative beliefs unto each other.

    Discover how to heal your trauma without overwhelming your nervous system.

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    Hi, welcome back to our podcast RelationshipAlkemy. I’m Jordan Bessaignet.

    I’m Olivier Bessaignet.

    And today we’re going to talk about a really, really intense topic, which is shadow work and trauma healing.

    So I will google there. Yeah, if you’re watching, represent that. Yeah. It’s like when somebody tends to be controlling, it’s like, where does it come from? So it’s like this guy is trying to pull the strings of his partner, but who’s really affected him, affecting him, this shadow behind him. Mistrust in this context, I mean, this joy. But it could be fear, anxiety, like negative beliefs about self, about the other, about the world. But I wish we could talk. I mean, the last two live streams, we had really juicy topics about this.

    One is not so juicy. I mean, everything is juicy, but this is like a topic that yeah, it hurts to look at.

    Yeah. It’s confronting by nature. It’s confronting by nature. But the question is, how do shadows and self sabotaging patterns and negative beliefs and trauma affect intimate relationships?

    Yeah.

    How does it think for yourself? Can you see moments where something takes over and you speaking, you’re taking action, but it’s not fully you you’re or not feeling fully comfortable. You’re not feeling fully yourself.

    Yeah. I think before we get into the nuances, we should go over real quick the definition of shadow work. Because I hear this word a lot now in the spiritual community. It’s like almost a buzzword and like, oh, shadow work. And like, shadow work, like, oh, we’re hunting shadows. And sometimes I hear it described in a way that is very, like, esoteric of like, it’s the darkness inside of us. And I think it’s a very complex, very complex psychology that doesn’t necessarily need to be framed as, like, bad. I don’t want to add shame or like yeah, make it seem like this is this part of ourselves that we need to reject. So yeah. What exactly is the definition of shadow work?

    Let’s go into the definition. But since you were saying, is it bad or not? So this is how I see shadow work. It’s a hero journey, right. And every character that we love in every movie that has some kind of success of Avatars, Star Wars, or even Kuntupenda, right?

    Yeah.

    So they start as nobody in the world. They own dogs, right. They don’t have much of a power in the world. But as they go through there, like, they meet their own demons. And in the movies, it looks like Darth Vader, right, or the General and Avatar. So they confront the demon outside in the world. As they confront the demon outside in the world, they find their power. So shadow work is the other word for shadow work for me is empowerment. So we’re going to go into the definition of shadow, but the results or the outcome or my experience as myself and also as a coach, is that everybody who go into their heroes journey and they find the courage to confront their demon every time they feel that they reclaim another piece of their power.

    Right?

    I’ve experienced that.

    Yeah. I’ve experienced that. I really love the definition that we have of shadow, which is a belief system that arises from an early core wound that I still used to cope with the world, because I feel like that really brings it back down to here to, like, the embodiment aspect versus this, like, esoteric, like, metaphysical explanation of, like, shadow and light and goodness and badness.

    Exactly. There are two paradigm. Either we think in terms of black and white and opposites the lights being the opposite of a shadow, or it’s integrated. And the paradigm that I love to live in is we’re all complex. Right. And so some pieces might be misaligned. We’re going to go over that as well. It’s not our fault. Right. Life happens to us, trauma happens to us. Stuff are being passed on from through generations to us in terms of beliefs that we have, the way we see the world. And when we look at that and we make a personal choice of do we choose to believe that or not, then on the other side of that, we can be more fully ourselves. Right?

    Right. And that’s the piece about empowerment.

    So it’s not running away from it. It’s not like, okay, let’s meditate, let’s do clearing. Let’s take out the candles and the say and clear the trauma. No, it’s not something we’re going to reject.

    Right.

    It’s about was it with you? You were carrying a pain this weekend, and it was like, well, like, going through the pain, going through it hurts, but instead of avoiding going around it, going through the pain, knowing it. What is the message the pain has for me that I can integrate in my DNA. And on the other side of that, it’s integrate, like, I reclaim my power on the other side of that.

    Yeah. And I think to give, like, a very earthy example of shadow work composting.

    Composting.

    Right. Composting is you’re like taking the garbage, so to say, like, all the pieces that nobody wants and like, the discarded pieces, and you put it in the earth, there’s like a little compost pile, and you let it sit and marinate, and the earth does its work and all the little bugs that eat away at the compost and like, transform into this new integrated essence. Right. So it’s not like garbage anymore, but it becomes like another piece of the earth and then you move on.

    I love it. If people see trauma or shadow work as garbage, it needs to be getting rid of. And what happens?

    Trash, man.

    It creates mountains of garbage. Or in the sea, we have islands of garbage. It doesn’t go away.

    Yeah. It just stays there.

    But instead of that, things I don’t even want to see. It I want to discard it. If we compose it, then Mama Earth knows what to do with it, which is recycle it and create life with it.

    Yeah, that works in a nutshell.

    Yeah. Let’s break down this definition because there are three parts in this definition. A belief system. That’s the first part. So trauma or shadow creates belief systems. And we have some examples. If you want to think of your own and even write it in the comments, this is from clients who sent us their reality. Right. So people betray you eventually. Okay. Or if you make a mistake and don’t know something, you’re stupid and you will be loved or scrubbed at. I should know these things, or then I’m lesser because I don’t. Okay. The only way to get anywhere in life is through hard work. You better buck up and be strong and push through, because failure is not an option or safe. So this is exactly a belief system. So the first part is a belief system. And I love those examples because they’re so concrete. Right. So a belief system that arises from a early core wounds. So what’s the early core wounds? So when we were young, before being an adult, something happened to us, either a traumatic event or our parents passed on a belief system. Somehow that belief system got anchored not because of our nature, but because of an early core wound.

    So it’s something that got implemented on us that is not necessarily who we are, really. Okay. And then the third part is that I still use to cope with the world. And so the key word is I don’t know if it’s still or cope. Like, to cope means when. I don’t feel like I’m myself, I’m struggling somehow. So we use that belief system when something is challenging. It’s not a belief system when everything is fine. It’s that we are coping with something. And the keyword still is that, well, it’s something that we received when we were young, and we are still using it as an adult, which means the situation is gone, but we’re still using it to cope with the world.

    Yeah. Negative beliefs. It’s so interesting to think about, you know, as I rewire the mindset and rewire my brain, it’s so funny to look back and to pinpoint times in my life where I can easily see how my belief system was guiding me through that time in my life. And when I hear it broken down into this definition yeah. A belief system that arises from an early core wound, for me, that makes it so much easier to understand. I’m like, oh, that’s what was going on. Because there was this like, oh, my gosh, what? Like, how did this happen? Or the feelings of going through trauma. And so being able to look at it from this almost more logical perspective gives me a little bit of space to be like, oh, that’s what was going on and not look at it with judgment. But then I can see myself as, like, you know, the little baby or child that I am when this belief system was passed on to me. And then I can see, okay, yeah, it wasn’t my fault. Still taking ownership of where I can. And also, like you said, trauma happens to us.

    Yeah.

    And so, yeah, that’s been, like, a way that I’ve been able to cope with cope. There’s that word again, to be able to go through your life a little bit easier.

    Yeah. Do you have a more specific example? I can think of many. Like, for example, when our child was born two days after he was born trauma free. A lot of babies are born with trauma, like medical trauma. And so our son was born at home trauma free, but two days later, we had to rush him to the hospital because he was dying. He could not poop. So he had his punk disease, so he spent six weeks in the hospital. And so what kind of belief can he anchor from that experience? Either I’m fragile and life can I mean, the world can take me out any moment, or I can survive anything. Okay. When my grandmother raised me as a teenager, she was very bitchy and judgmental and always at me like, why don’t you cut your hair? You look like a girl and you’re a ship father and your ship mother, and don’t become like that, don’t grow up like them. And all the time, all the time, all the time. And she was extremely controlling. So I had the unconscious belief system that being in a loving relationship would mean being at the mercy of witchiness and criticism heavy criticism.

    So, yeah, I kept dating partners and not pushing back from criticism and control, being controlling and bitchiness, that’s how it directly affected my intimate relationships.

    Yeah, yeah. I can see. You know. For example. My father. Who is also extremely controlling. Which created. Like. A certain kind of trauma of me being controlling versus. Like. I know some people go through an experience where they find their partner because it reminds them of their parent. But for me. It was like. The opposite of like. Then I became my father and his trauma. And I was probably traumatizing my partner by being super controlling. And I remember the partner that I had before you. It was a really codependent relationship in a lot of different ways. And there’s definitely, like, a certain power dynamic of me holding more of the power and almost becoming his mom to say. And I thought that’s just how relationships are, because it’s that dynamic between my father and my mother. And so to me, I was, like, right at home versus, like, yeah, it’s.

    A love language we learn. So it feels at home, it feels familiar.

    And it wasn’t until we broke up and I had some time and space for myself. It was like, oh, what just happened in that relationship? At what point did we go.

    Did.

    We make the wrong turn trying to figure it out? And it’s like, oh, there’s definitely a power dynamic here that I didn’t like, and I was able to sit with a little bit more and figure it out for myself. So, yeah, that’s my example.

    Yeah. So if you become the mom and he makes you become the mom, has that not a power dynamic? It creates dramatically unconsciously a power dynamic and then the thing that feels comfortable. Well, then did you have a power dynamic with your father?

    Oh, of course.

    Right. So everything looks familiar.

    Yeah, definitely.

    But then we are not an equal relationship anymore, which means we’re losing intimacy and we’re losing trust. Exactly.

    And then that’s why we broke up. Right. Because the intimacy is no longer there. I’m being this person’s mom. I hate being his mom because then he’s not the masculine partner that I’m craving. And then he hates me for being his mom because now I’m just being bitchy and telling him what to do. And there was like, for both of us, the unconscious behavior that was pulling our strings and manipulating us to act out, to reenact. I’m assuming that he was reenacting a certain power dynamic that he went through growing up. And like, both of our power dynamics just like, they like, fit together. Our trauma fit together so well. And then the relationship became traumatizing.

    Right. It’s retraumatizing.

    Yes, it was traumatizing in a different way.

    Yeah. And so that’s how we sometimes go from relationship to relationship.

    Right.

    And why is it not working? Why am I not finding the right person? What’s wrong with men in the world? What’s wrong with women in the world? And then we anchor the belief, well, men are weak. Men are weak. Men don’t show up irresponsible. Like, men are unreliable.

    Yeah, I was going to say men aren’t trustworthy.

    Trustworthy.

    It’s like a huge one that I hear every day.

    Men are not trustworthy. So what about that for a shallow belief or a negative belief? And that’s sabotaging relationship, of course.

    Right. Because let’s say you move on to a new partner and you still have the belief that men aren’t trustworthy and you’re already projecting that experience onto them. And then it’s like you’re just like creating your own suffering. And I hear a lot of times of like, well, I feel like I’ve heard from girlfriends before. I feel like I’ve dated this guy before. Like, why do I keep attracting the same type of partners is you girl?

    But then we have children and then the choice becomes super hard, which is like, before having children, you can still think, well, I’m just going to break up with my boyfriends, but now if we’re married, we have children, I’m going to get divorced and then share custody. That’s traumatized my child and traumatized my child. So now we’re faced with so much stronger dilemma. Now you’re back to the wall. Are you going to still run away from it or really confront it?

    That’s what I love about intimacy, is it, like, creates the space, especially with your partner. Like an example in our relationship, nobody can trigger me as much as, like, one, my dad and two, you. And that’s, like, the nature of intimacy. That’s why it’s so beautiful. It’s like, okay, we’re not necessarily, like, meditating on the mountain by ourselves in a cave. We’re like, doing it together. Like, in real life, we’re like paying bills and changing diapers and living in the mundane. And that allows for the shadows to come out and just the joy of building a relationship and sharing intimately. When we do go through an experience and they’re both triggered, like, being able to share, like, oh, this is where that comes from exactly. In my history. Where does this come from in your history? And then being able to have more understanding, more empathy, more compassion and yeah, that’s, like, the beauty of being with a partner.

    Yeah. And being trauma aware. So instead of I am my trauma, you are your trauma. And we just, like, do the tug of war.

    Yeah.

    Having this perspective you were expressing before, like, having a little bit of space and doing, okay right now. I am in my trauma. It’s not I am my trauma. I am in my trauma, and I’m acting from trauma. And so that’s what I love about our relationship. Instead of trying to control the other or ramp up the triggers and everything to try to fix it, which is not fixable, but instead stepping back and going like, yeah. When I say that, I’m sorry for saying that, for example, because I know it comes from this drama response. Just like you said, you look like my father right now. Instead of being like, you are wrong. It’s like, you look so much like my father right now. That gives just a little bit of space to go, like, well, I’m in some sort of trauma response or shadow pattern here. So if we can have the compassion or the looking at it together, instead of creating a war going at each.

    Other right, and then it breaks the Retraumatizing cycle.

    Yeah. I want to touch on something very nice that you said before. You talked about projections, and you said projection. We project onto each other and then creates a self fulfilling prophecy, something in that order. So three types of projections.

    Yeah. What is the projection? Because what is the projection?

    Projections are one of the most difficult blind spots to become aware of. We project onto the other person our worst fears and negative beliefs. So, for example so three times of three types of projections, we project our own thoughts first. When we assume where our partner is coming from, often it’s because we think that they think as we think, and they believe what we believe. Right. So I’m going to assume, like, if you say something, if you do something, I’m going to assume that I know what’s going on with you because I’m projecting that you believe what I believe.

    Right.

    So that’s the opposite of being curious, right?

    I heard this not heard I saw this really good name the other day, and it was kind of like making fun of empaths and using the same situation.

    Empaths? Yes.

    It is like when an empath tells you how you’re feeling because they’re in your head, and they assume they know how you’re feeling. And I’ve heard that so many times from various people is like, are you sure you’re not sad right now? Because I’m just really getting the vibe that you’re like, sad. And so that’s exactly what’s going on, is you’re assuming your partner or the other person that you know where they’re coming from, and you’re projecting your feelings onto them, and it’s because you’re like, forcing your belief system onto them or their feelings. And so just being like, hey, how do you feel about this, exactly?

    And we’re not discarding intuition.

    Yeah, we’re not discarding intuition.

    So are you feeling sad? Because I tend to think that you’re feeling sad right now. Is that true? And that is all the production, right? That’s the key thing. Is that true?

    And that’s what I love. It’s like a beautiful practical tool, right? Just asking a question and instead of forcing your mindset or not even I mean, forcing is like a very strong word, but like projection, projections, because projections can be done in very subtle ways, too. It doesn’t necessarily have to be outright and forceful, and it could be very subtle projections and yeah, it’s really interesting.

    So, yeah, that’s the first type of projection. No, that makes sense. And again, we’re not discussing intuition. Your intuition is not wrong. Okay? But if you don’t ask the question to see what’s really going on with the other person, then you are wrong in the sense that if you don’t confirm your intuition with checking with their reality, then you’re out of reality. You’re reading your own bubble. You’re not really considering where they’re at.

    So the second type of projection is when we project our fears or the image of our enemy onto our partner.

    So it ties more into the negative beliefs that we were talking about. So if I’m afraid that so I’m going to speak as a man. But I’m afraid that women are cheating. Not loyal or not faithful. Not faithful or woman can’t control their impulses. Then I’m going to have this fear of being abandoned. And then I’m going to assume. Protect my fear unto them and already make stories in my head on how it’s going to happen. Even though that person has shown no signs in their action that this is true. Do you have someone, something like that. Look, this client said, my mom passed down a belief to me that love can never last. That’s his shadow belief. She was always dating and dumping. Dating and dumping. So that means how does he project this belief onto his partner? That how can he commit if love never lasts? How can you believe that the other can commit if women just go from relationship to relationship, right? So how does that affect somebody? Imagine having that belief. How does that affect your intimate relationship?

    When I see it affecting the intimate relationship bit by bit over time, it’s like the underground river, right? It’s like slowly chipping away at the earth, the foundation, so to say, and poisoning our mind and affecting how we’re viewing our partner when it’s not even like, quote, unquote, real.

    It’s not real.

    Yeah.

    So the first six to eight months of the relationship, we’re in the Hannibal phase. The oxytocin is flowing. We are high on the cocktail. On the cocktail. So none of that stuff is happening. We think we find the perfect person, right, and then like you said, Trip.

    Yeah.

    Like without being able to know what happened, all of sudden, A, we find ourselves hating the other person or at least having resentment and that’s enemy image. That’s why I mean when I say, you know, we project our fierce and the enemy and the image of our enemy. Okay, so for my grandmother, so I’m used to bitchiness. Okay, so I’m expecting bitchiness and therefore unconsciously, I might do things that make this person crazy.

    Yes, I know.

    So not only I’m going to embody the character of being the victim of criticism and bitchiness, but on top of that unconsciously, of course I’m going to figure out without knowing how to make this person look like my grandmother. Like you said with your previous partner where you became his mom and he accepted the role.

    Yeah.

    So that’s about the projection. Like when you said it creates the fulfilling, the self fulfilling prophecy. It’s like it’s this lands that we’re not even aware of that’s shadow. Right? The shadow is like, what is my shadow? I turn around and I try to look at it, but it disappears because.

    The shadows behind you. Right? Yeah. And this is why I think it’s so valuable to do this type of work with someone else, because you can only go as far as as far as you can go. Like, we all have blind spots. We all have things that we’re not able to see. And doing shadow work with your partner, even, like, I understand that everybody has access to a therapist or somebody to help guide them through these things. Even just doing simple prompts with your partner and like creating the space to kind of have space away from the belief systems because it’s kind of hard. It’s like a program that’s been so deeply ingrained in you over years and years and years and for most of us at least 18 years and Dakini extracting it is like a very delicate.

    Process yeah it’s like how does it show up in your life? Something is not working anymore I’m thinking of another client who said my chart is free and it’s becoming really difficult for me and then through some of the prompts that we gave her and the processes. She said oh my God my mom has been always telling me what to do even now so this imprint is getting passed on and so she didn’t realize from her mom but from her mom it’s so used to that it’s fine but then the way it shows up with our child then she’s like. Wait. There’s something that’s not there’s something off.

    Yeah and this is the part where I love the self reflection. The self inquiry and a question that I ask myself because it’s like you start to see the pattern. Right? It happened one time, maybe it’s a fluke happens two times well, maybe it’s their fault it happens three times and you start to get this creeping sense like oh shit, it’s me examining like yeah one of the questions that I love to ask myself is like when did I feel this last?

    Yes.

    And so then I can trace it back to the time before that when did I feel this last? Going back to that when did I feel this last? And then following a string all the way down until you get to the first point where there’s the knot in the string and then you can pinpoint it oh, that’s right and I will guarantee 9.5 times out of ten it’s going to be from your childhood right? Some aspect is going to be from.

    Your childhood going back to the definition yeah.

    Going back to our definition of trauma.

    And shadow work so belief system that arises from early core wounds a belief system that arises from an early core wound that I still use to cope with the world let’s finish with our third type of projection the third type.

    Of projection is when someone accuses other people of doing what they do the man who complains that people are lying and controlling when in fact he is the one lying and controlling in the first place he fears that he will be treated the way he acts towards.

    Others so can you think of anybody who always tends to say. You know. People betray you. People betray you. People betray you yeah and they tend to betray people or everybody is lying. Everybody is lying but they tend to lie to everyone. Right?

    Yeah, that’s definitely my dad in a nutshell.

    I don’t want to be political but it’s also trump fake news fake news, fake news any poured millions into fake ads yeah so manipulators they are not necessarily consciously manipulating but that’s a very strong trait of manipulators even if they’re not conscious of it, even if they don’t mean it, to manipulate the other people. It goes back to the first line that we had. Like, being controlling is a symptom of anxiety, right? So the controller might not be aware that he acts from shadow, he might not be aware that he’s controlling, but he tends to project his own fingers onto other people and say, everybody is trying to take advantage of me, and then he tends to take advantage of people. Right?

    Yeah. And I think I can relate to this with my abandonment wound, to say, yes, everyone is going to leave me. That’s the epitome of the abandonment wound. And although it’s true, everyone will eventually leave you somehow, whether it’s through death, getting broken up with, there’s a whole spectrum of being abandoned or left, so to say. And I was, like, projecting that outwards because the abandonment is so strong in me, and therefore everyone did leave me, and not necessarily through death, but it became this, like, fear, this, like, extremely deeply rooted fear of, like, being left. And so whether it was me self sabotaging relationships or pushing people away, somehow at that time in my life, that when that belief is, like, really controlling me somehow. All the friends that I had, like, ended up we ended up having a rupture in the bond. And had I known when I was young about projections, even, I could have distanced myself from that thought a little bit more, which is what I do now, because that wind still comes up. And when I do feel it, I can hold it and see it for what it is, hold it and then release it.

    So it’s not necessarily controlling and controlling my strings, so to say.

    So when you’re, like, in the previous version of yourself and also in this, like, abandonment thing, like, surfaces, how did you tend to act and feel?

    Well, I felt so shitty, so then I wouldn’t talk to friends for months, for months, and then all of a sudden, we would have a blow up and be like, well, you haven’t been checking in on me. And I wasn’t necessarily, like, checking in on them either, so to say. Or in some ways I was mistrustful because it’s like, oh, I don’t trust other people because they’re going to leave me. And then I would do the very same thing. Going back to what we were just talking about, when someone accuses other people of doing what they do.

    Yes.

    Right. And so then it was like, well, I can’t trust anybody, everyone is out to get me, people are trying to take advantage of me. And it’s like a really shitty mindset to have that people want to take advantage of me. Right. But also, it was in a time where I was taking advantage of other people, so it’s like, of course I’m going to think people are doing to me what I’m actually doing to.

    Them if it’s normalized. And there’s nothing wrong with taking advantage of this whole series of justifications.

    Yeah. Oh, definitely. And it was, like, super interesting living in Las Vegas, right? Because I don’t know if you’ve ever been to Las Vegas. Have you?

    Yes, I’ve passed through it, but more than a couple of days.

    Las Vegas is a really interesting city because it’s running off of the tourist industry, right?

    Yeah, totally.

    So to say the casinos are taking advantage of everyone. They’re, like, playing all the little tricks of, like, getting people to spend the money and having alcohol and, you know, there’s a reason why it’s called, like, SimCity. That’s like, the nickname for Las Vegas. And so it was, like, almost a town of, like, hustlers people trying to take advantage and yeah. So it’s interesting how I fell into that because everyone in my environment was also doing that. It’s interesting, like, looking back, like, okay, seeing how strong the projections were and just how much it shaped my life.

    And so now when you get in touch with that abandoned man nuts, right? And now that you have some distance and you spot it, how do you act or how do you feel?

    Yeah, I mean, I still feel the same shitty way, for me, at least, it’s such an intense rupture in my nervous system that I still feel the same way. But I would say where my growth has been is I don’t act on how I’m feeling necessarily. Like, now I can just see it. It’s like, okay, that’s my abandonment, and I can grieve and I can have a little bit of sadness. But there’s also that space. It’s not so overwhelming now that it like I guess before, how I would explain it, the feeling was so intense that it would just override my whole entire nervous system, and then that’s all I could feel. And it was like, you know, it was like I was an infant again, being abandoned by my mother in relationships where that wasn’t even the dynamic or anything, clearly my mother was not this person, and vice versa. But the feeling just for the background.

    People who have never heard of us, your biological mum.

    Yeah, I gave a little tidbit there, but yeah, that’s why I’m an infant again. And my mother, where is my mother? So that feeling is so strong in my body that at that time, when I was not as conscious of it, it would just overwhelm and from a computer perspective would override every single other program. And then that was the main focus.

    Yeah. So from the words that you said, what I’m getting is that when you didn’t have any distance, like, the anxiety was taking over.

    Yeah.

    And now that you have some distance and you go like so instead of acting from the anxiety and fear and hurt and anger and everything, now when you say, oh, well, I’m in my abandoned mode, you said the words grief and sadness. So what I see you do is that you talk about it, you say you start crying and you go like, wow, I’m really my abandoned moon right now. And then I can feel like, the sadness and the grief that you were just expressing, I can see it in your face and I can see that you’re with the sadness and with the grief. So that’s the main difference between being sucked in by the trauma right, exactly. And doing the trauma work.

    Yeah, exactly. Because then in an intimate relationship with you or with my friends or I can share that, and then it becomes a beautiful space. Yeah. It becomes a beautiful space of connection. And then maybe you hold me and you’re petting my hair and I feel soothed and it gives an opportunity for that one just to heal, just like just a little bit of healing, you know? And yeah, going back to our main topic of like, how do these things show up in our intimate relationships? And that’s kind of the dichotomy of like, well, it can either tear your relationship apart or sharing these experiences can foster and build more connection.

    Yeah. Because when the trauma shows up unconsciously, the pain is so hard to address that all those strategies are to not feel it. Right, but what you were saying, mentioning sadness and grief, which is really like the core of that wound, is like, it’s the saddest thing in the world to be abandoned before being one and the grief that goes with it. Right, but the grief can be so overwhelming that we don’t want to touch it. But like, you’re saying, like, peeling it bit by bit by bit, then this is where the healing can happen. Until we touch that grief, then the healing cannot happen.

    And so that’s why I also recommend doing this type of work with someone, right?

    Yeah.

    Because being held in that grief or heard is such a beautiful offering of intimacy and then you just don’t retraumatize yourself all over again and it becomes a space of connection. And there’s just something so powerful about being witnessed in our grief and like being witnessed in our shit, which is ultimately like, quote unquote, like the shadow. Right? Like being witnessed in our shadow. It feels so human and it’s like I don’t know, I find that so yummy and delicious. It’s connecting and connecting. Yeah. For me, it fosters more intimacy rather than less intimacy.

    Because in the first scenario, scenario, if you’re in the hurt, the anger, the stress, the anxiety, then I’m going to be the potential enemy who will all abandon you and hurt you again. Right. So then the connection is enemy. Right? And so therefore, how am I going to react to that? Defensiveness, running away. I’m not going to be very supportive. Why are you so bitchy? Why are you so difficult? That’s going to be my so I’m going to take it personally and I’m going to push it back. Like, why are you so difficult? And why are you picking on me all the time? I’m not going to ban on you. What are you talking about? Right, but like, switching it to scenario B that you were expressing. Wow, banning wound. I hurt. I’m afraid you’re going to leave me. Or however it’s going to show, you know?

    Yeah.

    Speaking about the fear, speaking about the sadness, speaking about the anxiety, speaking about the hurts, then how can I be such a bad human being? That make you wrong for that. Or culture. Oh my God, it’s going to be yummy, intimate and reconnecting. And that’s what we experience.

    Yeah. And that’s what we want to put.

    Out into the world.

    That’s why we have this podcast, that’s why we do the courses that we offer. And it’s like, how do we go from mindset A to mindset B? It’s a journey, which is a journey. It’s a paradigm shift, but we can hold that journey.

    Yeah. So the different two modalities that we can talk about really quickly.

    Yeah.

    There are two solutions to this problem. One that I learned with the main Kind project is the self accountability process. And that’s a very good way to spot the shadow and be aware of how does it work. Is that if I’m not acting in the way that I say. If I say I’m going to do something. I’m gonna shop on time or I’m gonna take care of this. Or I’m gonna write this book or do this. Or. You know. The things that are meaningful to me and then I don’t do it.

    Probably.

    I have a shadow belief that’s pushing me away from being the person I want to be. So the sapphire process is one of the foundation that really helped me and help so many people get in touch with their shadow and not have their shadow controlling. And the second one is re therapy work. And my favorite mentality is ifs internal family systems, because it’s all about what is really going on with this trauma, this shadow is that we have those protectors that want the flight to protect us from people abandoning us. In this example, how can I control the world and myself so that I don’t feel like that again? Okay, but underneath that is the little one that actually got abandoned. And the whole system is trying to not feel that way again. Right. But if we go slowly, gently, with empathy and good questions and we manage to heal that little one so that little one receives what they haven’t, such as comfort, being touched with grief, then it can flourish and blossom and that grief can happen. That process of letting go and on time, that nuts. The nut can diffuse, the memory will stay.

    It’s not like it’s going to disappear. But then that little one, little child that suffered this very difficult experience can be free of it. So that’s the ifs process.

    Yeah. And I love ifs. I’ve seen you this past year, like, working with so many people, and I just see such significant changes in everyone’s life. And that’s kind of like the one thing that I like to say is you book one session and you’re guaranteed to have a life change because it’s just such a beautiful modality in the way that it goes so slow. This, like, drip, drip, drip. In fact, it’s outstanding. It’s beyond it.

    What’s crazy is that, like you said, it’s slow, but I spend time in one session. It’s like we used to say, oh, therapy, okay, it’s a ten year process to feel any concrete results in our lives. But with this beautiful process, if it’s done correctly, because I’ve experienced facilitators not doing it correctly, but if it’s done correctly, it can be life changing in one, two or three sessions, anchored for life. So that’s how trauma and shadow can affect our intimate relationships. And so it’s impossible in my sense. Everybody wants the cool stuff. Everybody wants the happy ever after.

    Right. And that’s like going back to the first six to eight months in an intimate relationship is the honeymoon phase. And then after that, it’s like, oh, shit, the shadows are out. We love each other, but we have our trauma. Now, how do we go from this uiguy hormonal cocktail to something that is more sustainable, more gentle? And how do we remain in intimacy?

    Exactly. Yeah. How do we carry on that feeling over the time, over time, without that cocktail of hormones that will not, never come back again in the same way?

    Yeah.

    So I fully believe that relationships are really at work.

    I do too. And we can meditate on the mountain or we can get in a partnership. Either way, we’re going to have spiritual growth. We’re going to learn, we’re going to enjoy that chocolate chip feeling. I love shadow work, even though it is kind of a hard I mean, for me personally, it’s extremely hard to sit and, like, go into these parts of myself that feel like so yucky and gross or overwhelming or there’s so much emotion there. But I noticed when I do that, and even just like a little bit, even just like the smallest little drip, drip, drip, I do see my life changing. I do see my mindset switching. And I feel more intimacy with you, my partner, one and two, with my friends. And then my life has become this amazing swirl of colors versus, like, in my past, it felt very dark and draining and overwhelming.

    That’s one thing for sure is that trauma, unresolved trauma and unresolved shadow takes a lot of energy. It eats up your energy like crazy. You might not know it because it feels normal. Yeah. But it eats up your energy that you’re not pulling into more positive things right and recreating the life of your.

    Dreams eats up your life. All right, folks. Well, if you enjoyed what we talked about today, please give us a five star rating. Or better yet, leave us a review. And if you know of anyone who can benefit from this message that we shared today, please, please do not hesitate to share it with them.

    And if you want to dive in with us, leave a comment, and you can schedule a call with us and we can see where you’re at and if we could be a good fit to work together.

    All righty, be kind and be, well friends, and we’ll see you next time. Bye.

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