Why is sexual intimacy sometimes so elusive? Television and social media show women how to look sexy and men how to appear successful. But when they meet in the bedroom, the feeling of intimacy and soul-nurturing connection can be elusive. What is the disconnect? And what can we do to reconnect?
Sequoia Stafford is a sex and tantra educator, coach and therapist. She is the embodiment of a women over 50 with a thriving sexual drive.
She’s on a mission to take the pain and suffering out of love and sex. She’s the bestselling author of It’s Hard!: Sexual Satisfaction Secrets to Beat ED and I’m Not Jealous: The Ethical Non-Monogamist’s Guide to Free Love Relationships Without Suffering. In her Santa Cruz, CA temple, she guides couples to find reverence in moments of intimacy and challenges them in order to open doors for sacred partnerships.
Sequoia is a master healer with over 20 years of experience training coaches and individuals to reconnect with their bodies, relationships, and sexualities. A lifetime of study has allowed her to weave together the best bits from a huge range of modalities and practices, including Neuroscience, Tantra, Shamanism, and Evolutionary Psychology.
Get her books for free at https://www.freelovemodel.com as well as her Top 12 Tips for Women Who WANT To Have Sex Again!
Hey, welcome back to our RelationshipAlkemy podcast. And today we are with Sequoia.
How are you doing, Sequoia?
I am doing great. I’m really happy to be here. I just adore the two of you, and I really am excited for this conversation.
And we’re here to talk about sex and spice it up, because so far we’ve been talking about emotional intimacy and emotional literacy and intelligence. But let’s start it up with Sequoia. What do you think about that, Sequoia?
I love it. I’m known as S three, and people oftentimes don’t know what that stands for. My first name Sequoia. My last name Stafford, but I always have ice in the middle there somewhere. I love it.
So we’re going to ask you questions about sex and why is sexual intimacy why sometimes it can be so elusive. We get bombarded everywhere in Instagram and shows that women need to be sexy and they know how to show it. And men need to be successful and masculine and they know how to show it. But when they go in the bedroom, they need to feel it. And why is there what’s going on and what is the disconnect and what can we do to reconnect? So that’s going to be the topic for today. I’m going to give you a few minutes to introduce yourself, and I have your two books here. So Congratulations on your two books. It’s hard and I’m not jealous. What is it about?
Yes, thank you. Well, thank you again for having me here. I really enjoy having conversations about sexuality, relationships, intimacy, and all of the nuts and bolts about that because I think that we need to normalize the conversations around sex. And that’s what I’m doing with my books. I’m really being very daring and putting myself out there. My first book, it’s Hard Sexual Satisfaction Secrets to Beat Erectile Dysfunction, that was quite courageous for me to actually write and also to release and stand basically in front of the world and say, yes, I do sexual healing. I teach people how to prevent erectile dysfunction and come back from it after they’ve gotten there. So I’m a Tantra educator, and I also educator. What’s that?
Sex educator. Sex educator, coach, therapist. I also do shamanic healing, modalities and full spectrum energy healing and a variety of all kinds of alternative healings that my clients might need. But I also really help people with their spiritual side of their relationships and their relationships to themselves first, but also to relationships so that they can have what I call sacred partnership. And I really am a full service kind of coach where I can help with anything that’s dysfunctional in their life, including their nutrition and their wellbeing practices, because I’ve been studying them for over 30 years and also have been in practice. Did I lose you guys? No, I just.
Okay. So to give you an idea of what I do and why I do it. I write books because I was doing one on one sessions and classes and retreats for people for years. But I really wanted to help out more people because most people are challenged to have the relationship workability of their dreams. And when your relationship isn’t working, other things in your life don’t work if you have children. Parenting is hard when your relationship isn’t working.
Wow. I love that you say that, because I’m about to read this book and on the last stage, stage five intimacy. I’m like, how do you prioritize between work, kids and relationships? And most people start with work and kids and relationship is last. And we’re like, wait, no, that’s not what we’re doing. We have our relationship first, and the rest aligns because it comes from us.
Yes. So the other things that get compromised when relationships your personal intimate relationships, your familiar relationships are not working is your workability, your productivity. And I know this first hand because when I was married to my daughter’s dad, we owned a toy store, and it was an ecofriendly toy store where I taught classes to moms and parents about how to raise children. And it was a healthy toy store where everything was safe for children and didn’t make the house toxic. So when I had that, our relationship was going downhill for a lot of reasons. But the more our relationship went downhill, the less effective I was at that business and also being able to give time to my daughter. And it broke my heart because all I needed was to have my partner and I work together to actually attain the very high goals. We were pillars of the community because our business was a central business in the community. And for my relationship to be taking time away from the big work that I was doing in the world, it literally killed part of my soul. And I have worked very hard to heal from the trauma of that relationship not working and all of the things that were wrapped up around that.
And so I know firsthand how bad it can get. My well being was affected by it. That’s another thing that people don’t take into consideration. Like, if you want your relationship to work really well, you have to be well. Yeah. So many relationships go downhill when someone in the relationship is ill. And let’s face it, majority of people don’t have lifestyles that make them well. They have lifestyle choices that they don’t realize their choices, but they’re just kind of on default. And those lifestyles are literally killing their well being, and they’re killing any option of intimacy. So a lot of the work that I do it’s hard is just teach people what healthy lifestyle choices are so that you can prevent Ed from happening or you can actually reverse it naturally without pills, without surgical procedures, without injections. And most people are floored. They’re shocked at how simple but not easy it is to have these lifestyle choices. But all of those things negatively impact your ability to have intimate relationships. But everybody wants to have the intimate relationship and then they’ll work on everything else. I hope I can cut on here. It’s bullshit.
Real bullshit. Like how you do anything is how you do everything. So if you think you can fill your body with crap and then have a really exceptional sex life, you’re kidding yourself.
I thought sex would save the relationship and be the magical pill that would solve everything else. But why is it not working?
It doesn’t work because it’s a fantasy that we have gotten. Like you were saying, we’ve gotten this fantasy program in our head by all of the marketing that is around the world that says sex is the answer. And all of the movies, Hollywood, everything you see anywhere, including social media, is all marketing. And so if you consume that much marketing, you are going to be sexually trained and educated by those images, messages. And if you can unplug from that and really learn what works for you and your partner, not what a movie says works because it’s also not what pornos work. Look, there’s a whole generation of children that started watching pornos when they were like around ten and they’re now like, my daughter’s, age 19. Right. And we’re seeing Ed in 20 year old boys. And by the way, Ed can be both women and men. Erectile functionality is for both men and women. So this book, most people think, is just for men. I do speak towards a male reader, but the book is really for men and women because everything that applies for a man’s erectile functionality is the same for a woman’s.
It’s just got a different structure to it.
It’s like you’re just talking about disconnection from sexuality.
Yeah. So a lot of people just think that sex is of the flesh. And so I started out that book saying this is not about skin bag slapping together for friction release. That’s not what we’re talking about. I’m talking about sex. And I define sex as an acronym. Sacred experiences of ecstasy.
I love that. Thank you.
So sex to me is not skin bag friction release. Anybody can do that. But I’m looking for sacred experiences of ecstasy where I get to know myself and I get to know my partner. That is what sex is really about. Sex is not just getting off. Anybody can do that to an image, to a thought. But what we’re talking about is courageous, vulnerability, opening. Literally, like I describe when I have some really intense full body orgasms where literally I see fireworks in my skull and I go on a shamanic journey from it. I describe it like my partner has literally like, or I have literally sliced my body open and my partner has so carefully, gingerly with reverence, started to touch the inside of that opening so delicately and energetically reverent such that something that would otherwise feel painful feels unbelievable. And that’s basically what we women are doing. You’re literally, as you go into a woman’s Yoni sacred space, Volva vagina, you’re literally going inside that person’s body. And it’s not just a bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. I mean, why would I ever want anybody to touch my if you’re engorged, I can totally get there.
But it’s a sensitive woman’s body where you’re internal. But that’s not what porno show, especially in America. We have this fear of genitalia and nudity that everything is basically stripped of its sacredness and reverence. If we really did show someone having reverence for a woman’s Yoni in the inside of their body, instead of making it lewd, crude, and grotesque, we’d have a whole different experience of sex, and we would have a whole different conversation. I am going to cough a little, so I’m going to mute myself while you ask your question.
Well, I think that was a beautiful explanation description of what’s going on for women during sex. I really resonated with that. To give a little bit more insight to my sexual journey, I definitely had, you know, the porn in my head, what an orgasm looks like from movies.
Plus a little bit of Christian.
Oh, plus some good Catholic dogma.
Masturbation is wrong.
Yeah, masturbation is wrong. Sexual shame. I went through a program in middle school called In God’s Image, where we were told that sex was only to make babies.
Nothing about pleasure, nothing about orgasms. My parents were not very sexually embodied. They had sex, and I remember hearing them, but it was like, oh, my God, my parents are having sex like EW. And it wasn’t like a full embodiment that they embodied in their partnership from day to day. Yeah, I’ve been on just an intense journey of, like, coming from only being able to orgasm from clitoral stimulation. And I mean, this man right here, we have gone into the depths of sexual intimacy. And when I first met him, I told him I’ve never orgasmed with a partner before. The full body orgasm was a myth. I don’t know what people are talking about. When people talk about orgasms, they talk about it differently than what I’m feeling like there’s something that’s not lining up. And I mean, we are able to work together, and I had to sift through a lot of sexual trauma and eventually was able to get to a space of full body orgasm. And so I guess my question is for the women listening to this podcast, do you have any recommendations on getting to that full body orgasm?
Yeah, it’s a great question. First of all, I just want to acknowledge you for sharing so vulnerably and courageously your own experience, because you do speak for a good percentage of women in general. I believe it’s up in the 90% tile. It could be 80s, but I think it’s in the 80s, 80 something percentile of women have never had an orgasm. And that’s because sexual education in around the world is not actually sexual education. It’s reproductive education and it’s abstinence education. And it’s bullshit that it’s being called sexual education. It’s definitely not sensual education, which is terrible because back in the days where we were living in tribes, we had our elders, the wise women and the wise men of the tribe would initiate youngsters in a variety of ways. They wouldn’t just have warrior initiations. Everyone had initiation to be an adult and puberty was part of that initiation. Puberty and sexual practices. Oh, my light catch. Oh, look, now you get to see my crotch.
Hi everyone. Don’t mind me. My studio sometimes falls when I do some dramatic comments. But.
It’S like, wait.
I want to go right down there. Yeah. So we used to have practices in our societies when we were not being educated by commercialism and marketing. Right. Going back to that and what we need again to answer your question is we need to have sacred experiences of ecstasy, educational education. And that’s one of the things I’m really proud about, the Tantra movement. And being a Tantra educator and coach and healer is the honor of my life. I can’t tell you I get to hold humans in the most sacred place. The only other places that are even more sacred or on the same level is when someone passes away, which I have held people in that place too. So duluting them on the other side of the veil. And also when a baby is born, that is also a very sacred time. And my career has been in all of those. And that’s the cycle of life. So it’s a beautiful place to be. But to answer your question about what to teach someone about full body orgasms, the very first step is to heal any of these social traumas from this ridiculous thing they call sex education from the organized religion traumatizing all of us and telling us that this beautiful sacred pleasure that our body naturally has for them to actually traumatize everyone.
And it is a trauma. I believe it’s a social agreed upon trauma to control us. Because when we feel the flow of life coming through our bodies.
We will become more conscious, we will become better humans.
We will question authority.
We’ll be like, wait a minute, I just got a download while I was having an orgasm. And if you haven’t had downloads while you’re having orgasms yet, trust me, it’s coming because that is on the other side of sacred experiences of ecstasy sex. What happens is you literally open the antenna, the pineal glands. The Egyptians called the pineal glands, the eye of raw, the third eye. Right. And when you have an orgasm and you’re doing these practices and you’re bringing the energy up towards the pineal gland, and you’re feeding the symbol, the Caduceus, the symbol of medicine with the two snakes kissing a pineal gland or a pine cone. That actually is what we’re doing. In contrast, sexual practices, we’re feeding our pineal gland the creative energy of sex, the manifestation energy of sex. That’s what it is we’re doing, that we’re opening that antenna and then gathering data from the Cosmos. And that data is then getting integrated into all of our systems in our body. And the contract practice calls those chakras. And chakras are basically just views to see the world from and experience the world from, like I call them all eyeballs like their windows to the different ways our whole system interpret what’s going on.
And that’s basically what’s happening when you have a full body orgasm, your antenna gets amplified in its ability to express a signal and also receive the signal. And expressing in multiple ways, you’re receiving from your partner, and you’re expressing to your partner. Right. So there’s that way, but then there’s also you’re receiving and expressing to both the Earth and the Cosmos, the universe. And all energy has data. We just don’t know how to read the data. And that’s basically what I teach people, is I teach them not only to have these experiences, to open those channels so that you can get downloads. And then what are they saying? And that mystery school, which is called Goddess Arts and Intimacy Academy, that school is training women to be able to do these processes and then live a life as the healer of their own life and their families and men, too. But a little bit we have different conversations about different things because as you know, Jordan, when you become Mama now, you’re like, oh, my God, if I don’t nurse this baby, if I don’t pay attention to his signs, how am I going to know how to help him when he has a cold?
And you can’t just, like, hand that responsibility over to Western medicine, because Western medicine is really drug chemical pharmacological practices, which nobody ever got. Nobody ever got healthier by taking a chemical. That’s not true. You can’t take a chemical and think that you’re going to change the way nature actually works. It’s actually going to alter it. And there’s side effects. Sometimes they’re considered beneficial side effects, and sometimes they’re not considered beneficial side effects. Just look at any of the commercials on pharmaceutical drugs. They have to be side effects. But it’s not like you might die from this. You might actually lose your fingers. It’s just ridiculous. Anyway, so the answer to your question, Jordan, is starting with healing the trauma like we were talking about before you started recording this. Healing from any trauma is the first step, and then your body knows what to do. But it’s really best to have someone show you, right. And you can either have that with a partner, like being with Olivier he and I both studied from the same Tantra master. So I know Olivier’s training you couldn’t be with a more Tantra master. And that’s what all of us women need.
I had sexual trauma from being assaulted by a boss at work. Sexually assaulted by a boss at work and other things in my childhood where I was touched inappropriate appropriately. We all have trauma. You don’t get out of it alive, and you don’t get out of it without having something that you personally feel is wrong. Right or not. Right or not what you wanted. Right? That’s what a trauma is, right. But we have to learn how to process trauma without living a smaller version of our life. And that’s why I like to say that it requires courageous vulnerability and it requires communication. Because if you’re wanting to have an orgasm for the first time, you have to be able to trust your partner, and you have to be able to ask your partner to go easy on you and to not be judgmental or critical because you’re a newbie. But people won’t say that everyone hides their sexual proficiency, right? Everyone does because you want to look sexy. Like you were saying, Olivier, everyone wants to be that sexy person. And then they get into the bedroom and do you just be sexy like you saw in the movie?
And then what happens when you don’t know how to go down on someone or how to receive oral sex from your partner? Like, I don’t know how to do grab their hair. What do I do? So I believe sexual as sacred experiences, ecstasy education is super important. And finding someone who you trust.
Whether it’s a partner.
Whether it’s a coach like myself or you guys, whether it’s going to retreat, where you get to be in a safe container, any of those options are really great, but ask for someone to guide you along. It makes me sad that there is this thing out there that working in the realms of sexual education is sex work. It’s like what actual sex work is out there, in my opinion, is the porn, the marketing companies, every single marketing, everything is based on sexuality, right? Every ad has some kind of sexuality to it okay if it’s okay for a Corporation to have sex work and it’s not illegal, why is it not okay for someone who’s actually providing a service to someone who needs that help? That’s a crime, in my opinion. And I think we need more sensual and sacred experience of ecstasy teachers out there. There’s a lot of people who are suffering. Like, what you were just sharing.
I would like just to comment on something, because there’s also the projection in the mainstream that the story, the way you told it could be like she got her orgasm because of the man, or the man is responsible for providing that. And my experience dating quite a handful of very well sexually educated people who were like Dakini and country teachers. It’s amazing. I remember having my first thought, wow, I’m dating Dakini. My expectations of myself went upstairs. It’s going to be way harder for me. But it was the contrary. It’s like the single stroke. She was already there because she was already in it. And so it’s much harder with somebody who didn’t explore themselves or didn’t go through any training, because then they’re like, well, make me feel something, like, give me pleasure. Whereas someone who’s embodied, like you or the people who go through those trainings, like, they already bring it and you’re just the match. That’s the man.
I agree completely and vice versa. I agree completely. And here’s what I’m going to add to what you said, because that was brilliant, what you just shared, the reason so many bikinis, not all of them not saying all of them, but women who have trained in the tantric arts have looked deeply into themselves, and they’ve gone through their traumas. Because you can’t do this work because I’m an acting Dakini, meaning that I do sky dance. And nobody knows that term, probably from your podcast, but basically, I’m a trantrica. I do tantric healing sessions, and we’re called bikinis, and men are called DACAs. But you can’t do this work if you still have traumas. Right. And I’m not saying that my traumas are gone. They’re still there. I just am in an active process to be working through them. Yes. The bikinis actually come and they’re awakened. They’re awakened to sexual abilities of their own body. They generally especially if they’ve been doing it a while, they generally have really worked on understanding themselves. And that’s really my answer again, to Jordan’s question is find out about yourself. Learn what feels good, not because your partner is doing it and you’re like, oh, that’s what feels good.
I’m going to have him do that every time. No. All of my students have a personal honoring practice as a daily meditation, and I call it a central meditation. As part of my program, I have a central meditation that they get with doing my course. And I recommend that they do it every day, or at least to what works in their schedule, just ten to 15 minutes every day, where you’re amplifying your energy, especially in the morning, where you try different modalities of touch. I say that there’s five trantrica touch modalities, and they are correlated with the elements Earth, water, fire, air, and ether. And when people can really understand and have some way to conceptualize the different kinds of touch, then you’re now going into deeper and deeper abilities to connect your neurology to your flesh and also your spirit and your energy. And if you practice that every day with the breathing and the discovery oh, my gosh, honey, I just came out of my sensual meditation, and not only are you doing manifestation work in that meditation, but you’re also learning how your body actually functions, what’s the anatomy of your erectile tissue.
And that all is super important. So that’s one of the most important practices that I think any woman or man should go through. But nobody in sex Ed teaches that they say masturbation bad or masturbation. That’s a private thing. Nobody wants to talk about that, which I totally disagree. I think we should all be normalizing this conversation and not shying away from it.
Yeah. So I guess another question. This relates more to our relationship. Yeah. I mean, when we first met, we were having sex two, three times a day, and it felt like every time we left the bedroom, I was just counting down the hours until we got back into bed together.
Well, I got to tell you, you’ve got to let go of the goal of ejaculating, because that’s not sustainable. So that means we’re going into other realms.
Yeah, well, of course.
That’S a big part of the trantrica practice. It’s like, okay, how do you not kill yourself by having sex so much? And what I mean by kill yourself by having so much sex, I mean, having sensual experiences of ecstasy where you actually have to put a timer on yourself so that you can actually go to work or take care of the kids.
Right. We’ll go back to my question in a second. But now our son is one, and we have to have a babysitter come so we can have sex because we do want that spacious levacious time of hours.
Well, the other day, the baby started to follow Steve or not pay attention to us. So we got it started. And then he was like.
Okay, why are you guys doing so he always wakes up and feels the energy, and it’s like, what are you guys doing?
So I brought him to our housemate and said, can you watch him for 15 minutes, please? And then I went back, okay, we got 15 minutes, and I just killed it.
Well, let’s just lay here together naked, because 15 minutes.
That like a drop in the ocean.
Oh, my God, it’s so cute. Because if you research on the Internet, like, the length of time most people are having sex, it’s basically 15 minutes. And that’s because their climax is a second long and they are basically having about five minutes of intercourse before it actually happens. This is what’s going on out there, people you’re not having sex for more than 15 minutes in conventional relationships. And that’s to us, the three of us were like 15 minutes.
I mean, that’s like taking a breath.
I would say that’s just the breath work. I’m like, let’s sink our breaths now. But, yeah, I guess back to my question, which has a little bit of sharing in it. We’re having sex multiple times a day, all day when we didn’t have work and COVID hit, so we didn’t have anywhere to be or do it. And we were having even more sex. And of course, after all that sex came a baby.
And then she was pregnant.
And then I got pregnant. And, man, I had such a rough first trimester. And, yeah, Olivier and I had this amazing, beautiful, sensual sex life. And then those pregnancy hormones hit, and I could not stand to be touched.
Literally, I would be nauseous. I would throw up when he would touch me. And that’s really hard to go through in a relationship.
Even snuggling to sleep, cuddling to sleep.
I couldn’t be touched.
I mean, I was carrying so much energy inside that all the external was just too much. And we went through a period, probably for about the first 25 weeks of being pregnant where we didn’t have sex.
Yeah, that was rough, man.
That was rough. And we’re still working through this trauma here.
I’m really proud of you guys. I understand firsthand how Parenthood can affect your relationship, as I was sharing before we started the podcast. But what you went through is a lot of women’s stories, and a lot of women also have cultural programming that says that it’s too dangerous to have sex during pregnancy. Right. And for myself, I lost four babies, and those four babies made me be hyper stressed to any symptom, any spotting, any bleeding. And it kind of made me who I am today with understanding all the modalities of health for healthy babies growing, but also healthy mommies, healthy dads, and the conception. But it was very stressful and very emotional to lose children. My daughter was born first, so I had, like, everything went great. Like, oh, my God, I can totally have children. And then all the babies that I conceived after that, I conceived very easily, but then I lost them. So my relationship with my husband was very stressed because sex became are we going to get pregnant and is the baby going to survive, or are we not going to get pregnant? Because I’m not ready yet, because I haven’t healed from the last loss.
And a lot of men and women have no idea about they’re not actually teaching reproductive health in those sex education. They actually aren’t teaching what our ancestors knew many generations back. And that is that a woman in a tribe would not get pregnant. Every year, a woman’s body actually is depleted of nutrients by growing a human being inside of us. We’re literally growing a person. My person that I grew, she’s six ft one, right. She grew a six foot one human inside me. She wasn’t six foot one when she was there. I get it. But she’s now six foot one. That’s a big deal. It’s a miracle that we’re able to do that. And unfortunately, we don’t have societies that support women doing that job. We women really shouldn’t be doing anything other than taking care of our well, being and not being super stressed and doing all of these side things. And I’m not saying women should take a whole year off of their life. I’m saying live. But also know that you’re doing one of the most important jobs. You’re building a human.
And of course you’re tired.
Of course you feel intense. Your body is like going there’s a lot of shit going on right now. I need to actually be supported by the tribe, by everyone, not just the spouse. Right. And unfortunately, with the kind of society we have now, we’re all in little tiny boxes and the partner is working. And if you’re not feeling well, I know you guys were drinking COVID, but it’s really challenging. And I think that we’re seeing it as a byproduct instead of what’s actually happening.
You are building a baby. There’s no more important work, and you’re building the next generation that is either going to be healthy or not. And we’re just not actually doing a very good job. I think about that. And that’s the whole picture for me. I include that every sexual experience that anybody has, a natural byproduct is to get pregnant. And people don’t even talk about that.
I’m just going to take care of that if that ever happens. Well, you have no idea as a woman how depleted your body will be if you get pregnant. And either you miscarry it, abort it, or have it, any of those are going to deplete your body. So when I have new partners and I’m 51, so I don’t believe I’m still fertile, at least I haven’t gotten pregnant in years. And I actually have a conversation with all of my partners. And I say, look, I just want you to know that I know that a byproduct of this action is to have a conception. I’m not looking for a conception, but I will not abort if that happens. Like, I believe in nature. I will do different actions to make sure that I don’t get pregnant, but I don’t do chemicals in my body that are like chemical drugs and stuff. So I don’t do chemical contraception. And so I have that conversation with everybody. So they understand that. Don’t be surprised if we have to have this conversation because it is a byproduct. And if you don’t believe that, you should really question whether or not you’re understanding what this whole practice is about, because that is a natural byproduct.
So going back to what you’re sharing, your experience is one that a lot of women suffer through without a partner who knows to be tender and gentle and understanding. And I think that a lot of relationships go downhill when that byproduct happens. That baby actually shows up and everybody’s like, oh, we’re so excited. We’re going to have baby showers and baby room. But what you don’t realize is that this is going to test your timing for your sex life.
Yeah, just to speak on that more, just to share a little bit my background. I’m not sure if you knew this but I am a doula as well and I really approach birth. I’m a full spectrum Duela so I facilitate abortion ceremonies as well as births as well as postpartum as well as consultations. Everything that you just shared right now is like, yes, right on, right on. Because I did have the luxury of having a partner who understood these things and I was allowed to rest during my pregnancy and he didn’t take it personal when I said don’t touch me, I’m going to throw up. And eventually around 25 weeks, Panther came back out and I was like, okay well we need to have sex. And we were having sex two, three times a day again. And then of course I got too big. My son was £10. 6oz. So by the last month of pregnancy it was like, oh no, we can’t do this anymore. And then with our personal story, our son went to the hospital immediate postpartum and it was such an interesting time because I remember feeling as my body recovered, I wanted to have sex so bad.
Like I was in this ecstatic state pretty much all the time. But it was really confusing because I had this emotional state of my baby is in the hospital and it was a really confusing time. I didn’t want to have sex. It felt wrong to celebrate life and through this really sacred act while our son was possibly dying in the hospital. So it was just a really confusing time. And then we brought our son home and all of a sudden it was doctor’s appointments and changing our son’s colostomy bag and getting up at 03:00 A.m. To make sure the bag didn’t leak. And all of a sudden we went to being insanely sleep deprived where I remember a friend offered, she said, okay, well I’ll come take Cedar for a couple of hours and you guys can have sex and we’re like, oh my God, thank you. This is an amazing gift. We are so excited.
Guess what happened?
She left and we slept the whole time.
Oh my God, that’s awesome.
I’m so glad you slept.
If we don’t have good sleep, we can’t have good sex. If you’re bought that’s. What I was talking about before is off. You have to take care of the well being and then the sex life will actually be healthy and vital and fed with all the energy because sex basically an orgasm basically is just an amplification of your energy, right? So if you are tapped out and you have no reserves left, then you’re not able to amplify anything because you have nothing to amplify.
So I guess my question is getting down to the nittygritty of it. We are in this sleepdeprived state the majority of the time. Our son is one and he’s still, I mean he has severe trauma and has night terrors in the hospital. Night time is a really rough time in our hospital or sorry, in our house. What do we do? We want to cultivate an amazing sexual relationship. It’s hard. We don’t have as much free time.
It’s hard. But then when you ask.
I totally get it.
Is there more to your question?
I know that it was a long question, but basically what can we do? And other couples who might be facing this situation of new Parenthood or they have extremely like extenuating circumstances in their life where they aren’t as well or as healthy as they could be, but still want to cultivate a magical sexual intimacy together?
Yeah, it’s a great question. And I have an answer for you. It’s a very simple answer.
This is the truth about all of the work that I do.
It’s very simple and it’s based in nature, but it’s not easy to do that within a society that says otherwise. So here’s the answer, okay. I look at life and the things that I have to do in my day, my week, my year, my time. I look at it from the perspective of a container with things I need to put in it. Right? So my life is a container. And then I prioritize by saying there are some things that are big rocks. So I’m going to put those things in first. Then there are some things that are like I’ll say, those are A priority, right. And then there’s B, priority things and those are kind of like pebbles. And then there’s C, priority things and that’s kind of like sand. And then there’s just the everyday needs, like the primordial needs, like breathing and drinking water and eating food. That’s like water, right? So that goes in amongst all of it. So I consider sexuality to be a big rock. Just like exercise is a big rock. Just like a nutrition choice to fuel your body with nutrition. That gives you the healthiest expression of life coming out of every cell in your body as it possibly can.
You got to figure out what that is. I’m not going to tell you unless you’re working with me what I would recommend for you. But big rocks, the big rocks go in first, then the pebbles, then the sand, then the water. And if you do it in that order, instead of putting the water in first, then the sand, then the pebbles, then the big rocks, there’s no room for the fucking big rocks, right? And sex is a wellness practice. This is what the organized religions don’t want you to know. Sexuality, when you’re having a sacred experience of ecstasy practice, it actually can heal. It has the power. It’s coming from the second Chakra. Now, the second Chakra is the nerve bundles of the reproductive system. So this system, for most of us, we only use that a very small percentage of our life. I have been pregnant five times. I have one baby. I’m 51. I use my sexual center, my second Chakra, for creating all the things that I want to do in my life, including the youthfulness that you see before you. I’m 51. I don’t look 51. I’m actually very fit. I used to be a competitive athlete, so I did my practices from the time I was three.
So I’m not saying, like, I went from being obese to being how I look today. And it was all because of the Tantra. I’ve actually been on this journey since I was three. I just happened to have parents that were very sports activated when I was young. So I was raised by parents who understood that. But I use my sexual center to not just have an orgasm, but to fuel my life, fuel my cells, clear them out of any debris, any vibrations that are clouding my system. And a year long Goddess Arts and Intimacy Academy. I run. That it’s every day. I also have a practice where I teach couples how to have delicious love. I have clients. I do podcasts. I have a child. I have another business. I’m considering opening up a medical spa. So I am very, very active. My sexual practices are fueling that. It’s amplifying my energy. It’s giving me the cleared ORIC field so that I’m constantly improving myself. I’m constantly becoming the best person that I can possibly be. And I’m human, just like anybody else. But our sexual center and our sexual practices could be considered our wellbeing practices.
And so that’s one of the reasons why I say it’s a big rock. So what I tell everyone I work with is schedule your big rocks. If you have to get a babysitter that understands your special needs because of what we went through, you want to find someone who you trust where just like you trust Olivier to guide you and be your partner and create a safe container. And he trusts you to do the same thing. It’s not just one sided, right? But you have to find someone who you can hand your child over to your beloved child that you built in your body to something.
Sure it is.
So that you can actually be present with only Olivier. And that Olivier can also do that because he’s a protective Papa and he’s been taking care of Cedars challenges just like you. So you both need that. Having a container that you both can go deep. Even with the challenges of a child who has had medical issues. It’s a very big deal, but you have to schedule it. And that’s what I meant. It’s going to be easy. I’m sorry. It’s going to be simple.
Because most people are like, well, isn’t that going to just take away the spontaneity of my sex life? No people. Here’s the thing. Let me tell you a little secret. We women would really love to know that we are delicious, that you can eat any part of our body. Because like I said before, the organs, the sexual organs are not what I call just the sex parts of my body. I consider my hair to be part of sex. I consider the back of my neck. I consider my fingers, my toes, right the inside of my ear. So I want to know that I have scheduled a sacred experience of ecstasy with my partner so that he can prepare himself. I can prepare myself. And when it’s time to shut everything else out, I’ve handled everything leading up to it and after it so that I’m not going to be in the middle of an act and have to stop.
Things aren’t handled. So I schedule my life. I schedule my exercise. I schedule my sexuality. Yeah, sometimes it’s spontaneous, but I know that I’m going into a moment in my life where all my focus is on my partner. And if it turns into sex, great. If it doesn’t turn into sex, that’s okay, because I’m not goal oriented. I have orgasms in my life. I do not goal Orient my interactions with my partners, but I generally will turn off my phone if I’m with a partner or romantic partner. I oftentimes we’ll leave it at home because that’s one of the reasons so many people have relationship issues is there constantly, like, distractions. No distractions. Because of these things, I schedule it. I know that all of my clients are taking care of that. I don’t have anything waiting on me that has me be in my head instead of in my pussy.
Yes, there you go.
I was about to say, we’re going to wrap up with that because it’s already been an hour. But I’ve been also wanting to ask you a very last question and hopefully quickly. But I know it’s going to be simple and not easy is a lot of people and women, like society, tells us and tells women that after 45 and especially after 50, once you have your babies, kind of forget it. It’s naturally. They say it’s normal that I’m not in there anymore after menopause hormone changes and everything. Is that true?
Oh, God. Well, I think it’s true for people who haven’t been Dakini care of themselves. I think it’s true for conventional relationships and sexual practices.
Because it’s true for people who believe it.
Who bought into the story that women are going to lose their sexual drive. Are you kidding? When I turned 40, it was like a switch that turned off and I was like.
Holy shit, girl.
I’m a Scorpio three times over. So I have lots of sexual energy. But no, I actually think that women start hitting their crime around 40 and they can keep going up. But again, that’s a concept that’s based on skin bag sex. People who have energy, sex. I don’t care if you’re a wrecked or you’re soft or you’re a quadriplegic or not. You can have an energy orgasm off of someone just like playing with your little toe. And that is what most people don’t realize is possible. They hear about it, but they don’t actually believe it. And so many of us are used to rubbing or rubbing, and friction is what we think causes an orgasm. No. That actually causes the nervous system to kind of blow out, actually. I don’t know if you guys have ever felt this, but have you ever masturbated to a point where you’re just, like, trying to get it, all of a sudden you get to the end and it’s like it’s nothing because we blew out our nerves. So we’re actually teaching people to do the opposite, which is not blow out your nerves. Let your nerves come out like of the woods.
Oh, my gosh.
That’s why I call it because my nerves are like, do that lightly again.
Because I just want to.
That only happens if you have a lighter touch, if you have an energetic touch and you practice some of these five tantric touches that I teach. Yeah. Did I answer your question, Olivier?
Because I think you blew out my mess. Awesome. Well, I’m so disappointed because I thought that you were about to teach us all the secret buttons. But you didn’t. You tell us that it’s not about the buttons. It’s about connection to self and self care. And you connected sex to spirituality. So. Well, I resonate with that.
Well, we integrate sex into our mundane and spiritual, which is the same thing daily life.
I don’t think that there is a better practice out there than to have a sacred experience of ecstasy, to become a better and better person, a better and better lover, a better and better intimate partner, whether you’re just a friend or a Tantra buddy or a married partner. I think that sexual practices can make us all be a better society, and that’s a different story than what’s out there in the media than Hollywood. And I’d like that story to be told. So I’m also working on a musical.
Okay. Tell that story.
So like I said.
I have so much manifestation.
Us to the rest of your life.
Well, you see my website. There everyone who’s listening to this podcast. I have a gift for you. I have both of my books and twelve tips to want to have sex again. And some of the practices that I shared with Jordan and Olivier are in that twelve tips. You get all that for free if you go to freelovemodel.com. And there’s a little treat at the end where you can even schedule a free consultation with me if you are interested. But I really have enjoyed this conversation so much. And I do adore both of you and your little Cedar. Thank you for visiting me in Santa Cruz when you were here last. I really appreciate that time with you too, and getting to know you. Jordan, thank you for being a doula. Thank you for supporting all of those areas because we women need to have support when we go through these initiations, right. It’s an initiation into another level of womanhood. When you go through the portal of birthing a child, however you birth the child.
And every conception, no matter if it ends with a live baby, a miscarriage, or even choosing it to terminate the pregnancy, you will always have been altered by that experience. And the sexual practices help to make those sacred and for all of us, men and women to have reverence for the act of creation. We are, after all, all created in the image of the creator. And that means I’m a creator. You’re a creator. You’re a creator. All of your audience are creators and our sexual practices are practices. Practice is very intentional. They’re practicing how to be the best creator that we can possibly be. And that might be for me creating all of these experiences for people, but it might be for someone out there just creating a relationship to their partner and to maybe their friends and maybe children. But the cycle of life is a part of all of us. We don’t get out of this without passing away. We all die and we’ve all been born to families. So this has been really beautiful and thank you for having me.
Thank you. Kasuki, that was absolutely delicious. And I love the depth that you bring as the spiciness and the joyfulness with the depth just equally. And that’s what I really honor about you. And that’s also what we relate to.
And yes, thank you so much just for coming on our podcast and sharing your lens how you view the world. And I know this is going to help a lot of people.
I’m so glad. Yeah. As far as I’m concerned, the more we all help each other, the better off our society is going to be. So it’s an honor for me to come and share the things that I teach with your audience and I’m really glad that you guys are doing this podcasts are a great way to really reach a large population, which is why I’m launching my podcast on Valentine’s day called Sex for life to really teach people how to have these practices that maybe can’t work with me directly, but they can learn from these kinds of conversations. So thank you. Great work. I’m really proud of you guys and I can’t wait to read your book as well. So thank you both very much.
Thank you. All right. We’ll have you again. Talk to you soon.
Awesome. All right. Thanks.