How can you complain and authentically express your emotions and your truth, without creating disconnection, abandonment or defensiveness?
In this episode, we explore 5 formulas you can use right away to improve your communication and create connection, even through difficult conversations.
Our free handout is available for download as you listen in: https://relationshipalkemy.com/free-downloads/
Hi. Welcome back to our podcast RelationshipAlkemy. I’m Jordan Bessaignet and I’m Olivier. And together we talk about conscious relating.
Yeah. Today the title is Conscious Complaining, conscious complaining. Like what?
I’ve never heard conscious complaining before.
Yeah. Right. Exactly.
So I am eager to dive into what it means to complain consciously.
Yeah. So we’re talking about conscious communication, conscious relationship. And this is our episode number five of our mini series, and today is going to be the reward.
The payoff of everything that we’ve been discussing.
Yes. Because we talk about empathy, and we talk about what empathy is not because we use the English language in a way that is not empathy. And we’re used to communicating. We used to drama on TV, and so we use drama in relationships, and that is not connecting. So what we want just to remind you why we’re here is that we want to feel connected in relationships no matter what, even to the hard times and complaining, for example, can be a hard time and something hard to say and hard to hear.
Yeah. So how do we do complaining so that it feels connecting instead of disconnecting? So that’s what it’s about. So we’re going to give you I don’t remember four or five formulas on how to speak so that you can be heard, seen, understood, feeling connected, even when it’s a little challenging. Now, I want to preface this by saying that this will sound easy and this will not be easy to do because it takes practice and it takes listening to the other episodes before. So it makes sense just for someone who would just tune in on this episode first.
All right. So we have handouts called how to Communicate Consciously, and it’s part of our journey into intimacy and conscious communication. And this is episode number five.
So just a reminder. If you are looking for this handout, we have it on our website. If you go to relationshipalfmeat, go to the free downloads tab.
And all of our downloads are right there available for you to use.
Including those which are filling and spreadsheets. We’re going to use that today every time you use that, plus universal needs. So we’re referring specifically on this one to a journey into intimacy and conscious communication. That’s the handout we’re going to be showing you today. If you want to come to the free download section, download it and print it so you can follow along. If you go to the podcast tab, then you have a recap of our previous podcasts. The last one was, Why is empathy so counterintuitive?
And then number one secret to conscious communication. Let’s spoil it. It’s speaking feelings and needs feelings and needs instead of thoughts instead of thoughts. And we’ve explained thoroughly.
Definitely what it means in the previous podcast. So we’re not going to do that again.
So if you’re interested in that, please tune into our previous podcast where we go into it in detail. And. All right, let’s get into conscious complaining. What is that?
So either you can listen to the episodes on this page or you can click on any of those icons if you’re using Apple Podcast or Diesel, et cetera. Sorry. All right. What does it mean?
All right. Conscious communication is about owning your feelings and your needs without making others responsible for them. It’s also hearing others feelings and needs without feeling responsible for them, yet still showing up and being fully present with them.
Okay. Does that make sense? I’m not responsible for your feelings. And you’re not responsible for my feelings. But in the conscious community, we also have spiritual bypasses. And how does that look like it’s like, well, I’m not responsible for your feelings. So whatever you feel is not my responsibility. And so that is abandonment and spiritual bypass. Communication bypass, maybe reaching intimacy bypass, for sure. Intimacy bypass.
And there’s also the other side of that in the spiritual community where. I mean, we talked about this in our last episode of I’m an Empath. I feel everything you’re feeling. And so I’m afraid to tell you how I’m going to feel, because then I’m going to feel how you are feeling and it’s just going to be terrible.
So there’s a whole spectrum in there, and we think that this hopefully lands in the middle of the set.
You had one just a few days ago. She was like, well, I didn’t want to tell you that because I didn’t want you to feel bad or something. What did she say?
Yeah. I was actually going to bring this up as the examiner. So we’ll get into it later.
But just to Mr. That point, I didn’t tell you that. So it was like withhold for a month because I didn’t want you to feel bad. And the response is, well, you’re not responsible for my feelings, but you’re responsible for your actions, which is to say what you needed to say.
Yeah, definitely. We have a great example from my wife today.
So it’s not being responsible for somebody else’s feelings. The other one is not responsible for your feelings. But still, we show up and we are very present with each other. It’s not running away either. Very good. So first example, conscious complaining, my favorite. So how do you express yourself authentically and accurately? Because when there’s a trigger when there’s something to complain about, usually there are some emotions, such as maybe anger or disappointment, frustration. Right.
So instead of starting with your thoughts, try starting with your needs or values, then express how you feel about the situation. And then lastly, if you do get to that step as a request.
Yeah. If it’s relevant necessary, you can add a request, so it would look like what’s important to me is and then you plug a need or a value, something that’s important to you. A value is great. And I feel and you say how you feel. So we have a couple of examples, and we can find many examples. But this one complaining, not consciously. So we said unconsciously, we’d be using analysis, diagnosis, judgments. So ur is a judgment. Okay. And that is polarization enemy image. So we’re trying to stay open and understanding.
So if I say you spend too much, you are responsible. You’re a spender. You are. Then I’m criticizing directly. Okay. But if I say what’s important to me is our financial safety. I care about our financial safety. So what is important to me is needs of value financial safety. I feel what’s the feeling? What are the feelings? Angry and anxious? Okay. Which I really don’t like. I don’t like feeling angry and anxious. So far, I’ve made nobody responsible for it. I’ve stated my truth, I’ve owned my feelings and my needs.
And why? Because I value financial safety. Okay. Can you help me and make sure that we don’t so that’s the request. Can you help me and make sure that we don’t spend more than $200 per week on dining out? Okay. So instead of accusing and saying it’s because of you and you’re bad, there’s something wrong with you. I’m saying I’m owning my values. I care about financial safety and stating my feelings, because right now, apparently my needs are not met. They are challenged. So I feel angry.
I feel anxious. I feel disappointed. I feel frustrated. I can have all those feelings. I can take out the spreadsheet.
The handy dandy feelings and needs sheet, and on the feelings and needs. We have feelings when our needs are not satisfied. And there’s a whole I mean, there’s so many feelings on there. If you’re ever struggling to identify maybe what you’re feeling. Yeah. We have that accessible.
So you know how to express yourself authentically and accurately. I can go for it because I’m not accusing. I’m owning so I can go for it. And I feel furious. I feel resentful. I feel frustrated. I feel exasperated. I feel aggravated. It’s been five months like that. So I can reshare the range of my feelings. And since it’s not accusing, it might feel a little uncomfortable, but it’s not directed at the other person. It’s owning your truth, right. So I can really express myself accurately and authentically instead of titling like, well, I don’t know how to say this because I’ve been holding it for three months now and now I’m about to blow up.
So instead of being polarizing, I can own my juice.
Yeah. And I really think that’s the beauty of nonviolent communication is it allows you to fully own your truth without blaming someone else shaming. Right. Wrong. There’s no aggressive poking. It’s just very like this is how I feel. And I mean, nobody can argue with your feelings because that’s your truth.
Especially if I don’t make anybody responsible for that. Nobody can argue with them. And nobody can argue with my values.
Yeah. So giving my real life example.
I actually used this formula in my real life. So just to give a little of bit background information, I work for a doula agency. And in this Duala agency, we work in teams. That way, if somebody is busy when someone goes into labor, there’s a better chance of someone else being able to cover it. And whatnot? It’s a brilliant system. I think it really incorporates partnership and teamwork and cocreation and purpose, and all of those rank high on my list of values.
So I’ve been working with this woman, and we have a client, and she’s actually due pretty soon. And we have had some communication bumps early on in our partnership at the beginning when we signed the contract altogether. And I had made a request asking for more communication because she was emailing to the client. Yeah. She had emailed the client without including me on the email, and it just felt like I wasn’t. I mean, I actually physically was not included. Yeah.
So how do you feel about it?
Yeah. I mean, in the moment, I wasn’t sure if it was. I was confused because this is actually my first time working with a client from this agency. So I felt confused about how things are done and was coming in with a little bit of newness maybe. And yeah, nervous.
I’m guessing your feelings so good.
Yeah. I was definitely nervous. I mean, I operate my own personal Duala practice way differently than this Duala agency. And so this is my first time coming into this agency with the client and working with someone else from the team. So there is a little bit of confusion nervousness going on. And yeah, it wasn’t included in the email. So I made a request.
So you felt confused and then you felt angry yet?
Yeah. I did not feel angry yet because I had brought it up to this person afterwards. And with my boss present, something is not working for something is not working for me. We need to clear this out right away. This is the beginning of a beautiful partnership. We’re going to be working together for the next nine months.
And you guys are in service.
We’re in service to somebody else who is extremely vulnerable. I mean, pregnancy is an extremely vulnerable time, and we need to get our communication on point. So we had a sit down meeting the three of us, and I requested that if anyone needs to talk to the client, we need to do it all together. We need to be a United front. Everyone needs to know what’s going on with the client. We all need to be included. And yeah, I just requested that in the future to be included on all conversations and to know everything that was going on.
So what happened this weekend?
Fast forward this weekend.
Like a month later.
Yeah. So we had our last prenatal of this woman’s. We have prenatals to prep for the birth, and this woman is due at any point. And we had our last prenatal about a month ago, and I was told that I would be going to this birthday. I was the primary caretaker. She was the backup. So we had already established our roles, and I felt really good. I’m like, okay, I’m going to this birth. I’m already counting this in my financial book that I will be getting money for going to this birth.
Yeah. You organize your life around that.
Yeah. I put off going on a solo trip, going on vacation. I’ve been having some anxiety about missing this woman’s phone call. If she goes to labor, goes into labor in the middle of the night, then I’m going to miss her phone call. So I haven’t been sleeping as deeply and soundly. And yeah, I mean, I’ve just been organizing my life around the fact that this woman is going to give birth at any moment, and I’m going to show up in service for her. So this past weekend, we’re actually in the food truck working and the client text saying, I need to talk to you about something.
And my partner in the conversation or my partner in the duo that we work in responded back, great. Are you free in 15 minutes?
Yeah. And obviously you’re not because you’re busy.
I was not free. I was busy. I could have stepped away from the truck. But by the time I read these 20 minutes had already passed, I’m working. I’m not, like, on my phone, and I’m catching up with this in real time. And slowly, these feelings are starting to build, and I text my partner separately and say, hey, why wasn’t I included in this conversation?
The phone call?
Yeah. I need to know what’s going on. This woman is about to give birth any minute. She could be having her baby right now, and I would not know.
And so this woman calls me and we talk and on the phone, I was very upset. I was very emotional. I couldn’t really pinpoint the reason why.
There was still, like, a little cloud of hate confusion. And on the phone, my partner let me know. She said, Well, I didn’t want to tell you, but after our last prenatal, this couple called me and requested that I be the one to attend their birth. And in the moment, I definitely was frozen. And I couldn’t really process very much. So I just said, okay, and she said, sorry for not telling you. And I just said, it’s okay.
Because I was so frozen.
Totally blindsided. I was like, Wait, what? And we ended our conversation, and I went back to the food truck, and then all of the emotions started to hit. Yeah. And I’m sitting here with Olivier processing, and I’m like, no, I’m actually furious yeah, right. I am enraged right now. I have a deep burning pit of fire in my belly, and there was so many things wrong with this situation, and it really got to me. Yeah.
And there’s multiple layers to that.
Yeah. We’re going to go into the lower layer a little bit more with the next prompt. Yeah. So I use this prompt. I pulled out my phone immediately.
All right. So communication. How do you communicate accurately and authentically?
Authentically. And the first modality that comes to mind is I want to cuss my partner out. I want to cuss my boss out. I want to use language that isn’t necessarily going to be benefiting the situation.
So it’s not going to be connecting.
It’s going to destroy everything.
There’s a little bit of Calamar inside of me that wants to burn everything down. And this part of me is like whispering in my ear. The other part of me is like, no, no, this is a professional setting. We need to handle this professionally.
So I pulled my phone out and I texted the first thing that would have come out of your mouth probably would be judgments and diagnosis. So no thoughts. So what’s? The first thing that comes out of your mouth is that your thoughts or something else? So what did you do instead of your thoughts?
So instead of jumping into my thoughts and saying you were wrong to do this to me, like, screw you. I’m never working in partnership with you again, which I’m really proud of myself for not doing this because the amount of Fury that I felt in my body.
So it’s not bottling it up either.
Yeah, definitely. I definitely don’t bottle it up, and then it comes out passive aggressively by the time we work together. So I use this prompt. And I said, What’s important to me is teamwork co creation. I really value communication. And we have already talked about this.
I think you started on this one. You started with your feelings.
Yes, I did start with my feelings. You can tweak it however you want. But I said, I feel angry, serious. I’m very upset right now as I value, because I value teamwork, partnership, cocreation and communication. And we have already sat down and talked about this once and with this situation that just came up of one not being included on a phone call about a woman who were servicing. We are servicing her together and two withholding the information for a few months withholding information for a month that I’ve been organizing my life around, and the woman responded, my partner responded back that I said, I really value honesty, right.
That was one of my things that I really valued. And she had responded back that what she was doing was not dishonest. And I kind of got a little snappy. And I said, what do you call withholding information for a month?
And she said an attempt to mitigate the feelings in our relationship.
Yeah, right. And so it didn’t work because, of course, with all the information made it worse. And she’s not responsible for your feelings. She’s responsible for communicating timely the information. And we all deal with it differently. And if you would have been frustrated and disappointed at the time, it would be for you to handle.
Yeah, definitely. And I mean, if a client doesn’t want me at their birth and they want somebody else because they feel more comfortable, that’s awesome.
I really value people’s nose, because then I’m not wasting my time. I could have gotten another client in that time. Something else could have been arranged. Cool. Thank you for your know.
You don’t want me at your birth. That’s great. I’m glad to know what you want. I’ll see you at the postpartum visit.
Yeah, well, it sounds like they liked you anyway, so we don’t know exactly what they were telling each other behind your back. So who cares? It’s not the point of this moment, but it’s beautiful. Like, the way you illustrate the process, because it’s so common that in the face of a situation where we discovering something and also we’re blindsided, either reacting with judgment or freezing, no reaction is very common. And it’s not wrong. It’s like, okay. I could not do any better in the moment.
Now, 15 minutes later.
Yeah. When everything sets in a little bit and you’re like, oh, snap. This just happened.
Let’s redo this.
Yeah. And I’m actually really proud of myself for speaking up for myself, because I’m really proud that in the beginning, when there was something off about it that I one brought it up right away, that I made a request. And so I feel extremely validated. Like, I checked my P’s and Q’s. I did what I needed to do.
Because if you would have lashed out, maybe in the moment it would feel better. But then your values for connections. And if you would have, like, bundled up, then your values for communication and setting up for yourself would have been out. Right. So this is really the key. If you guys know any better, I’m open to suggestions, but this is the best I ever found.
Me, too. And I was able to communicate precisely authentically and clearly. Hey, what you did was not okay with me. I am not okay with this. This crosses a boundary of mine, and I did it without shaming blaming. There was no right or wrong conversation. It was just. This is how I feel.
This is why I feel this way, because my values and needs were not met. And whatever you want to do with this information, I’m presenting it to you, and you can sit and process. We’re supposed to have a sit down meeting together, all three of us.
So it’s great, because what I like about it is that if you make the other wrong either going to have to repent or rebel. No, I did not. No, it’s not my fault. They will have to be act. But now you’re giving the meeting a chance and you’re even giving that person a chance to not feeling that she is wrong. But that something. Maybe she missed a step or something is not working for you. So either she can say, you know, I don’t like your way and communicating, etc’i.
Don’t want to partner with you, or I want to do my thing solo, right?
Yeah. I mean, she did bring up how we work differently.
Which I feel like kind of falls into the right wrong way of doing things. And I just came back with my request and my feelings and my needs. And yeah, we’re going to have a sit down meeting and we’re going to clear this out and with the hope that we can continue to work together in the future.
Well, letting go of any agenda is showing up in openness. But you know what? You’re bringing to the table for yourself and you can respond to whatever happens.
And it leaves an openness to negotiating agreements, negotiating needs instead of who’s going to be the most powerful to make the other wrong is going to win the game.
Yeah. And then it just turns into a power struggle. And that’s the opposite of connection.
I want to feel connected with this woman. I want to go into service with this woman feeling connected.
So real life example.
Good job. Another example from the spreadsheet is so instead of criticizing and saying, you neglect me, there’s like a sense of lack of connection and love. So you neglect me. You never take me out anymore. Okay. So that would be accusing. And the other going like, what should I do? Should I submit and go? I’m sorry. I’m a bad boy or I’m a bad partner. So I’m going to try to be a better partner, right. That’s terrible. You can say I miss a romantic evenings. So owning your values, romantic evenings are what’s important to me.
We could say what’s important to me is having romance, and I miss it. So I feel lonely and I wish for more connection with you. So it’s not making wrong. But it’s stating your needs and your feelings, then request. Can you surprise me on Friday? Okay.
So when we use a diagnosis or analysis, people must either repent or defend when we share our feelings and needs, it gives them a chance to be generous and give from the heart.
Maybe some self reflection.
Yeah. Some self reflection.
Yeah. What they stand for and what they want to handle that.
And if the person responds with a negative thought, thank them for trying to hear you never say no. I didn’t say that.
And just try again and continue focusing on your present feelings and needs.
Right. So if you say, I miss our mentoring evenings. I feel lonely, and I wish for more connection with you. Can you surprise me on Friday and the other goes like, oh, I feel criticized. Well, that’s not why I feel criticized because. Well, basically what you’re saying is that I’m about a husband. Well, if you say, well, I didn’t say that, and it gets worse, respond rather like, thank you for letting me know what you heard. Okay. I certainly would not want to criticize you. What I would like you to understand is and you try again.
What’s important to me is our romance, our romantic evenings. And I would like to have more. I feel lonely, and I would like to have more romantic evenings with you. What do you hear? So maybe you would have to repeat it three or four times if somebody is reading their negative thoughts and in their polarized or enemy image kind of inner disposition. We talked about last week and you’re trying to bring them in the openness and the understanding way. Okay. So it might take a few try outs.
So do not defend if the other one goes into their head and their negativity. You’re making me wrong. No, I’m not.
Or they heard about the nonviolent communication thing. And you didn’t say exactly. I feel this night. I did that. Well, that was not a feeling. So don’t respond to that. Don’t react to that. Thank you for letting me. Nobody hurts. And then you go again. Feelings and needs another format formula for being curious is very similar. And that’s for engaging conversation. And it’s simply to ask. So if somebody is telling you about their day at work and their boss or manager or their spouse or their boyfriend or whatever is happening for them, or they are not saying anything, but you can read their posture and you try to guess.
Remember I pointed out when I was doing it before.
Yeah. Earlier in the podcast.
So you’re feeling anxious?
Yeah. It’s very connecting in partnership and friendships. It’s hugely connecting when somebody can truly empathize and reflect back to you like, hey, are you feeling this? And it’s like, oh, thank you. You just provide a little bit of clarity. I am feeling this or it’s. No, actually, I’m not feeling this. I’m feeling this instead.
So what’s awesome is that if you guess wrong, it works even then.
Yeah. That’s the great thing about this. And it allows the person to slow down and identify their feelings. No, actually, I’m not feeling this. I feel this.
Yeah. So it brings the conversation from thoughts to feelings. Okay. So even if the conversation is driven by analysis, diagnosis, judgments or strategies, we need to stop going out together or we need to stop whatever what the complaint would be. The nonconscious complaint would be, like, the strategy we need to do this. We need to do that. You need to stop this. You need to do that, et cetera. Respond by. Okay. And how do you feel about that? Because you need a loan time because you need.
So if someone says.
What would you like me to know about you, right.
Well, I’m tired of you criticizing me and controlling me, so that would be a judgment in the diagnosis.
And I would respond back. I understand you don’t like being criticized. Are you feeling defensive? Because what’s important to you is to do things at your own pace and you need autonomy.
Right. So instead of pointing fingers, I’m like it forces me to respond to that. Do I feel defensive? Well, maybe a little because I need to do things at my own pace. That’s important to me. So now the conversation is focused on things and needs. Okay. So it helps shift the conversation. So that’s a great one to use. And if you see in the relationships that matter the most to you, whether it’s at work or at home, family members, partners instead of going, well, how was your day?
And. Well, the car broke down and I was trying to down the side of the road.
How do you feel about that right away? Feelings.
Yeah. That goes into our next portion of the handout, which are other cues to create connection. And I think you are such a great Fantabulous partner because you ask me these questions all the time, and I know it allows for a deeper connection between us to be nurtured. And these keys are. And how do you feel about that? Or because you need.
Either I say because you need and I pause and let her fill the blank. Or I try to plug something in because something comes to my mind because you need space right now. How do you feel about that overwhelmed question Mark? And then the other person can check in with themselves.
Yeah. So I think these two phrases are great tools. Simple. Such simple tools to have in the toolbox for maybe we’re having a conversation. And the other person is kind of spinning in their thoughts a little bit. And you want to foster a deeper intimacy. And we can talk about story all day long. We can give analysis all day long. We can be in our thoughts. And these two prompts really help drop it down into a deeper level of connection.
Now, sometimes I go to her and I’m like, Well, I want to record the podcast. What do you think would be a good time, right. So my questions are either what do you think? What do you feel because you need? So I will prompt a think question. If we need to organize something, I will prompt a feel question if I want to feel connected, and I will prompt a need question if I want to understand more about her.
And I think that should be a handout in itself, because that is a perfect breakdown of when to use these phrases in which situation? Yeah. We’re going to pin that forever. We’re going to improve our podcast.
Now. The next one is a little trickier and a little deeper, and we’re going to use the whole thing again.
Yeah. Going back to our example in a second just to give a little bit of overlap. But intimate relationships can trigger each other’s trauma. Expressing that trauma can disarm how we may take things personally.
So this formula is about ownership of your shadow or trauma of our shadow and our trauma in partnerships. If both partners can do that simultaneously together and be on the same page with that, it will help tremendously.
Yeah. And I mean, we talk about this all the time with other people in between ourselves. But you can have all these formulas in the world. You can be NVC communication master. And if you haven’t looked at your trauma, the formulas are only going to take you so far.
Here’s the truth about trauma. It colors our reality. Okay. And we are beings of beliefs.
Wait, before we go into this, how do you define trauma?
Okay. Trauma is something that happened when we’re young, okay. And we were overwhelmed by a situation, and we lost our agency somehow because we were either trapped or unable to use our agency. So it’s examples from people that work with us. It’s the little boy who’s screamed ads in the car. So he’s trapped in the car. He can’t go anywhere. And he’s made wrong because he’s not doing what the parent wants him to do. So instead, explaining is screamed at is receiving this load of emotions that he cannot process because he’s attached to his parents for his survival, so he cannot push them away.
He can’t run. He needs to be loved. And at the same time, he’s receiving something that he cannot process. That looks terrifying.
Yeah. I mean, an example from our lives is our son who, if you guys aren’t aware, he has a condition called her Sprung’s disease. And over the past year of life, he’s received four surgeries to help correct his intestine problems. And I mean, we’ve done hospital visits up the Wazoo, and we’re on first name basis with all of the nurses in the PIQ and in the emergency room. Our son is young. He’s a baby. He’s a toddler now. But this problem started pretty much the second he was born.
It’s not his fault. It’s not our fault.
It’s not our fault. Nobody’s fault. It’s not God’s fault.
Yeah, but he has to deal with that.
Yeah, he has to deal with that. He just finished his last surgery, and we’re finally on the tail end of his health issues. And we have to go in to see his surgeon because she wants to check on him and make sure everything is going well. And we take him in and how she has to make sure that everything is healing well, is she has to put her finger into his anus and swipe and.
Feel for scar tissues, you know, tightness.
And she has to release that which she did in our last visit. And it’s really sad because we have to hold down. Yeah. We have to pin down our sun so the surgeon can do this procedure, which is hugely beneficial. It’s needed. It’s saving his life. It’s keeping things flowing. And we can’t really explain to our son, who is pre verbal. First of all, we do the best that we can. Like we explained to him, but he is pre verbal, and he’s a toddler, and we have to hold him down.
And the surgeon has to put her finger into his anus.
Which is completely intrusive, which is intrusive.
And our son has a need for autonomy, and that is not being autonomous.
Just used cars across his belly. So he’s been cut up open several times. Yeah.
Not even once, but several times. And we know having the knowledge that we know about trauma, we know that this is trauma happening right before our eyes. So that’s just a personal example from our lives, if you want more understanding. But our son can’t comprehend what’s happening to him in this moment.
Yeah. This morning, I was having a healing session with the clients, one on one. And we were talking about her at twelve years old, and on one end, mom was very strong and very protective and also expression of femininity. She was like, well, that did not exist. Basically, anything feminine was wrong. And then with that and they were separated, she could feel all his sexual stuff and also his friends. And so she had this confusion between don’t be a sexy woman. But then she could feel the attraction from man grown up man.
And that was weird and yucky and inappropriate. And so she developed this belief in the world or this way to walk in the world. That was kind of screwed. So we’re unpacking that to free her up. But until that lands really impacts how we see the world, what we focus on and what we manifest in the world.
Yes. So trauma is directly related to our belief system.
So you can imagine in intimate relationship how that comes out. And some things are personal.
I don’t like when you do this, but a lot of things are layered with previous stuff that have nothing to do with the current partner. If you don’t communicate that everything is personal, but if you communicate that, then it becomes less personal and we can understand each other instead of pointing fingers.
So back to my example from earlier with my coworker. Yeah. I was in the shower after processing all of this, and I had sent my text, and I felt really good about the way I communicated, and something was still nagging me. I was in the shower where I think best, and I was really turning it over. Like, why am I so furious about this?
Why did you freeze in the first place?
Yeah. The question is, why did I freeze in the first place on the phone call? That’s really unlike me. I would like to say I’m pretty good at responding. And that’s not typical of me. Something was just lingering. And so I was turning it over and feeling it out. And I realized that why this felt so personal to me. It felt like the trial. Sure. I had already requested that this woman communicate with me and let me know things as they were going on, which didn’t happen, which is the first layer.
But the deeper layer is that it triggered me into my childhood trauma of my dad not telling me for 16 years that the woman who raised me, who I thought was my biological mom was actually not my biological mom.
Yeah. Well, that’s a lot.
I mean, yeah. Welcome to my life. That really messed me up. That really traumatized me. I had a lot of beliefs about honesty and communication that set a foundation for my belief system. I deeply need for people to communicate with me. One withholding information from me in my eyes is.
Yeah, the highest betrayal.
It truly is the highest betrayal because of this childhood trauma that I went through. And now, whenever I am in relation with anyone, whether it’s person down the street, you my best friend of many years, banker or co worker who I just met. I have a need that they tell me information when they get that information because of this childhood trauma. And once I understood that I came to Olivier, I was like, Babe, I have figured it out and I felt yeah. I mean, I just understood my feelings more on a deep, complex level of okay.
Not only is this triggering because my needs were ignored, it’s clear that this woman didn’t hear me after our sit down meeting. She didn’t see me and my values. And on top of this, it is retriggering this huge childhood trauma.
Yeah. So let’s try to use a communication formula. So it would go, like when I hear you say or when you do, and then I put camera. So what does it mean? Camera means what a camera or recorder would play again. So when you betrayed me, it’s not a camera because it’s an analysis. And the person can argue that it’s not true, right? But when you said and you quote it when you did and you replay the scene naturally without right wrong. So see our previous episode for all the details on that.
When I hear you say, when you do, when you did camera, it triggers a child wood, wood in me of and you can state what it is and I feel and you say how you feel, because this is where we connect. Do you want to try it? Plug it in.
So applying this to the example when you withheld information from me for a month that the client told you regarding her wanting you at her birth.
So withholding information is true. In this case, if you want to be even, like, make sure she’s not hearing.
When the client tells you that she wants you at your birth and not me, and you don’t tell me for a month, that is the most neutral way you can say it.
That was great. That was great.
When you receive the information that the client wants you and not me, and you don’t tell me for a month, which means we’re holding.
Yeah, that was a very good specification there.
Because withholding people can get defensive.
Yeah, it feels a little pokey already. Yeah, definitely.
You can say when you received the email on the 15th of last month, and you tell me on the 21st of this month that’s the camera. Nobody can argue with the facts and there’s nothing attached to it. There’s no meaning attached to it, what it means to me, what it means to them, et cetera, that’s the camera.
It triggers a childhood wound in me of and this is where I would go into my trauma of my dad not telling me for 16 years that my biological mom and the woman raising me. We’re not the same person. And I feel serious. I feel enraged. I feel deeply hurt. I feel upset.
So you see, you can express all the emotions that are bubbling and bursting in your chest at the end of this format. This formula, right. And the other one, hopefully, maybe not the first time, but with a little training, first time, they might feel overwhelmed with the feelings at the end. And if they don’t get it, what did you hear me say? Well, I don’t know what to say. I mean, I was a lot. I feel criticized. You can try again. No, I’m not trying to criticize you.
I hear you feel criticized. That’s not where I’m coming from, where I’m coming from. If you want to understand me, is that you receive information on 15th in the next four weeks. You don’t tell me that information and triggers that very deep childhood wound that my father withheld information from me, a very crucial information about my identity. And so when that happens, I feel enraged. Can you hear that? Right? The coworker. They get it so they don’t get it. But in intimate relationship, we can’t run away from each other or it’s either abandoned or we decide to end it up.
So how do we stay connected even through this hardship?
Yeah. I’m not going to use the other two examples that I have from something else. So just to wrap it up quickly, we talked about it before interrupting with compassion. So when somebody is kind of renting in their thoughts of what happened and what the others did to them, and instead of just passively having to take sides. You’re right. Either taking side or having to suffer through that. You don’t have to suffer through that. You can interrupt them. Okay, so how do you feel about that? And that interrupts the train of thoughts, like the circling forever.
When the other starts monologuing or spinning their thoughts, you need to assert yourself and shift the focus from thoughts back to present feelings and needs. You don’t have to suffer through that. I think it was clear.
Just also as well request ask before. Do you want to just vent or would you like to process things?
Because sometimes you just need to vent and you just need to spit out what is coming up.
Very good point.
And sometimes we need to process.
Yeah, because it started to come out. Whoa. Okay. Very good point. Do you need to vent or I can ask you how you feel about that?
Don’t ask me how I feel. And I can say that’s beautiful. Honey, I need to work. I need to take a shower. I need to get out the door. I’m not available for that. Can you call France or can we pin that? And I’ll be available in 2 hours?
Yeah. And then everyone’s boundaries are respected and love boundaries.
And the last one is also helpful for de escalating arguments. Okay, so you can use the same approach to the arguments. The trick is to remove your responsibility for how the person feels. So you’re not taking sides and you’re removing what it means about the other person while still acknowledging the reality. When criticism comes your way, it can be really hard to not take it personally and not react defensively. This is really a test to your mastery of conscious communication. Okay. If they say you’re responsible.
You spend too much so you can answer back.
The first thing is, wow, that’s a criticism. That’s a direct criticism, and it’s really hard to respond consciously at first. So you need to breathe.
Breathe. Definitely breathe.
And you need to apply empathy to yourself.
Okay. Wow. I feel overwhelmed right now, and this is attacking my very being. Your irresponsible is attacking my very being. That’s mean. That’s not gentle. Ouch, Ouch, Ouch. So you need to take a few seconds and give yourself empathy first before you can give anybody else empathy. But then when you’re ready.
So you’re saying that our financial security is really important to you?
Remember the first formula, what’s important to me.
And you feel scared and protective when I don’t converse with you before making purchases.
Right? Feelings what’s important to you? And then you feel. Okay. Okay. So I get acknowledged pointing fingers. You’re responsible. You spend too much. The response is an empathetic response. So you’re saying that our financial security is really important to you. And so instead of responding by the pointing the finger creates a mindset of who’s right, who’s wrong? Your fault. My fault. Okay. So by responding with feelings and needs, so our financial security is important to you. It removes who’s right and who’s wrong. And it removes the person who’s pointed to stepping away and saying, Well, I’m not responsible for that.
I’m not responsible for your feelings. I’m not responsible for you for your needs. But I hear that your needs and your value is financial security. Okay. And you feel because if you don’t talk about the feelings, it’s still bubbling.
And you feel scared and you feel protective, right? Still removing anybody from being responsible for that. Okay.
And once again, I think you’re great at this. And it definitely when things do come up between us. I think you’re great at being able to, in the words of Marshall Rosenberg, put your draft years on and being able to listen from a place of needs, feelings, values, and you’re able to really translate. And I mean, this helps in our relationship because it brings us back to connection.
Yeah. It gives the other a chance to hear you to stay connected. And maybe to find a strategy that neither of us would have thought of, maybe have some self infection. Maybe the other does not know what’s going on.
Right. The oblivious to what is happening. They thought they go out their own way during themselves. Right. And they don’t understand the impact on others on the other partner because of maybe some trauma going out. Maybe she doesn’t realize what she’s doing because she has a blind spot about it. Maybe it aggravates me because I have trauma about it or previews history about it that has nothing to do with either of us or her or together.
So by first removing responsibility in the first expression, I’m going to put it again. Conscious complaining.
Conscious complaining is about removing responsibility in the first sentence that comes out of your mouth. But also be authentic and accurate on how you feel and why you feel this way in terms of needs and values. Once the other hear you, maybe the others say, I really didn’t care. So do you care about the impact that we’re doing on me or not? No, I don’t really care about. Okay. Well, we need to split up.
And we clearly cannot live together.
Yeah. This is not a good relationship for the year of us, not for me starting to set boundaries about it or it’s. Oh, wow. I didn’t realize. I know. I struggle with it. I’m sorry. I struggle with it. Okay. I understand you struggle with it. So what can we do so that you’re conscious of the impact on me and you work on your struggles for yourself and for improving the relationship on your end. And I’m going to process my own feelings and my impatience and my past traumas and my past triggers and show up also mutually so that we can come together instead of going at each other.
Yeah. Once again bringing everyone back into connection.
Right. So conscious complaining allows you to stay connected even through hard times. So I invite you to go back to Relationshipalchemy. Com. Download this handout on the free downloads tab because I think those formulas.
The formulas are great printed tools. Yeah. Great tools to have in your toolbox.
Print it and use them.
Print it and use them.
Yeah. So also use the podcast tab to see the previous podcast episodes and the apps where you can find them. And that’s it for today. Next time, we’re going to talk about intimacy. And if you remember the beginning of our doubts, we started our exploration, talking about the map of the territory, the language. We spend a lot of time on the language, and that wraps it up. For now. There’s so much more to explore.
But so much more. We can only do one podcast at a time.
But we just want to thank you for listening and for joining us on this journey of conscious communication and intimacy.
And so the next one is going to be on customs and cultures. And we’re going to talk about boundaries, among other, those things.
All right. Well, we’ll see you next time or listen to you next time. Have a great day.