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Intimacy Self-Sabotage: Unmask the Stowaway… (2/6)

    You’re on your way to your intimacy paradise. This Island is filled with an abundance of love, warm, everything you could ever want! Let’s unload the cargo and get settled in.

    How is this exciting new place going to keep from becoming like the old place? What did you bring to your new partnership? 

    Join us in this episode as we identify the stowaway that is fatal to your loving comforts. We talk about understanding and unlearning embedded habits to prevent sabotaging the happiness in connections.

    Our free handout is available for download here as you listen in: https://relationshipalkemy.com/free-downloads/

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    Hi. Welcome back to RelationshipAlkemy. I’m Jordan Bessaignet. And this is my husband Olivier Bessaignet. And we’re back to talk to you about our next session in our podcast series, our previous podcast. We talked about the intimacy Wonderland and how to build your Wonderland the way that you want to. And today we’re going to further upon that idea and talk about the stowaway, which is wait a second. There’s a problem. We brought somebody or something with us. And what is that? Something?

    So remember our little map. We live on the main land with the zombies created by the factory of our programming. And we want to embark on this journey. So imagine you’re packing your best outfits and everything that you need to go on this beautiful journey. You ready to take the boat to this unknown, beautiful Paradise Island where you’re going to create your ideal relationship. And that’s what exactly we read last time we made a list of what we want to cultivate on this island and what we want to keep on the mainland, not bring with us.

    Right. And so we talked about that on this Virgin Island, we can cultivate a jungle or crops. You want to nurture fruits or wheats and what kind of environment? A little house on the beach to explore this beautiful new land of intimacy. There are three things mapping out the territory, which is what we did last time, then understanding the language, because when you go to a new country, you do not bring your language. You understand how to speak intimacy conscious communication. That’s going to be for the next episode and then custom and culture.

    Because if you go to a new country, you don’t want to repeat your own patterns in terms of custom cultures like codependency. You want to learn healthy boundaries with compassion, for example, that will be part of the custom cultures that we’re going to develop in this island. And that will be for episode number four. But today, today we started on this beautiful journey and we’ve mapped out our ideal island. But there is a problem. There is a problem because unbeknown to us, there’s a stowaway. We brought somebody in our ship with us, and we’re going to find out who that is and what that is before we do that, I really want to drive home why we’re doing this.

    And I believe that society teaches us a paradigm of right, wrong, good, bad, blame, shame. You take any movie from Hollywood. There’s always a good guy and a bad guy. And the bad guy is wrong. He’s doing wrong things. And thank God the hero to kick his ass and putting back into the righteous path. And so we really anchored through stories, culture, religious dogma, I would say not religion. I mean, the dogma part of religion that there’s good, bad, right, wrong. And how does that translate into intimate relationship?

    Well, if we have an argument, then who’s going to be right. And who’s going to be wrong? But if I win the argument and you lose the argument, who really lost the both of us and intimacy. Since my son was born ten months ago, I found me like a renewed mission, purpose in affirming my values in the world that I value a paradigm where there is no right, wrong, good, blame, shame in my world. I want to create a word around me of understanding. So if we have an argument, if we have differences, if we don’t agree, I want each other to understand.

    I want to understand each other so that we can come together and not win over the other. And I know it’s really difficult to do this because we are so programmed by this Python, like every movie, starting with the cartoons, even like, I love Mary Melodies and The Coyote and The Road Runner. And he’s clearly a good guy and a bad guy, right? And the bad guy gets beaten up. And the good guy is righteous. Maybe. But right now, Astam has no concept of who’s right, who’s wrong, who’s good, who’s bad, blame.

    Shame does not exist. Past future don’t exist. And I believe that if I don’t do anything, if I don’t use my voice, if I don’t manifest a world difference, if I don’t manifest that I want, then society will program will be stronger and will program our son about good, bad right, wrong. And he’s going to struggle just the way we struggle in intimate relationships with this paradigm. So I really want to shift the paradise. And that’s why my mission is to put this out for us, for our community.

    And who knows? Maybe for the world.

    Yeah. What I’m really hearing from what you’re sharing is that you really want to work together in partnership and to be in partnership and true partnership. You have to get rid of the blame. Shame, the right wrong. You really have to come to a place of understanding and empathy in order to create a healthy environment, one to raise a child, two to have a long lasting fruitful partnership.

    Yeah.

    And yeah, that’s what we’re trying to do here.

    The two paradigms that I see being opposite is either enemy image. Everything that we’ve described so far, good, bad, right, wrong is enemy image. Like the paradigm I want to bring forward is connection, understanding, empathy. So I don’t know why. Last time, just before recording the last episode, we had a big fight. I was like, oh, shit. How can we go live and be, like, a great teacher of empathy and understanding. But we’re just re disconnected right now, but it took less than 12 hours to resolve it this time two days, the day before we get into a big site.

    But it took less than it took, like an hour.

    30 minutes?

    Yeah. An hour to resolve.

    Yeah. Each time I noticed that’s getting better at identifying why we’re triggered and sharing that with the other person and cutting through what I think is bullshit, cutting through the bullshit and actually getting rid of the story and being like, this is what’s going on for me. This is how I’m feeling right now, just for a little bit of contact information. We own a food truck together, and we work a food truck. And if you’ve ever worked with your partner, you can understand just how triggering it is to work with a partner, especially we work at a farmer’s market.

    It can be a stressful environment. We have to serve a lot of orders. We have a lot of people who want things from us, and we’re just doing the best that we can. But things do arise. And so something came up, and there was a little bit of dodginess around it, and then we just were able to cut through and share. This is what’s going on. This is how I feel.

    I love serving delicious grapes to people, but our heart, our passion, our mission. Your mission is about birth work and babies. And my passion is this, which is changing the paradigm. Although we are happy to work together and have a family business because it’s reconnecting. That’s something that we do together. Our hearts are also very strongly into the other things that we do. And so you wanted to go the same one?

    Yeah. So for me, I was supposed to attend a newborn care class with another Duala that I know who is facilitating. And I wanted to make sure I got to that class on time. And, yes, I was being really snappy really short. Like, hey, kind of pressing him like, let’s do this because I was afraid of not getting to my class on time. And then he’s going through something super stressful.

    Well, it’s a very stressful station. What I’m doing is always to begin with. Yeah. And so I didn’t like being pressured. And of course, I was like, don’t fucking pressure me. The value that’s behind it. I think triggers. We’re going to have a whole episode about triggers, but triggers for me are precious because they reveal what we really care about. So she really cares about her mission. And I’m here with a food truck. I really care about paying rents. Right? So I’m not going to turn customers away.

    And she’s like, Well, we need to wrap up. I need to go. Wait. No, we can’t turn customers away. So we are clashing there on values because we have different strategies to meet our needs and our values. But as soon as you want to continue.

    You can go ahead.

    Yeah, we’re like, clashing for 45 minutes. Of course, since we’re in resistance, we’re resisting with each other. The whole world is resisting with us. There’s traffic. We can’t park where we need to park. The street is blocked and honking the guy, and it’s not coming back up in there. It’s a mess, right? Because we’re also in this messy mindset, right. So everything gets more stressful. But through that, in less than 45 minutes, we were able to come down and speak, not like clash on the strategies that we were disagreeing so strongly about, but come back to our values.

    Yeah. And we’re just able to really connect with each other and say, hey, this is what’s going on in the future. Make a request. Do you mind doing it? X-Y-Z way.

    Yeah. So changing the strategy, what matters is not the strategy. What matters are the values and feelings, right? What we care about. And I care that she gets her needs and her values met. And she cares the same for me. So we’re willing to be flexible on strategies to meet each other values.

    And that was it. And it’s like, okay, I can do that for you. And we went about our day, and then this potentially sparkful what is the impact turns into just another blip in our day. And it doesn’t have to be this huge agonizing fight and no connection. Thank you. I can understand you more. And we’re just able to move forward from that.

    So that’s the model we’re trying to model what it is to shift from blame, shame or right, wrong enemy image towards understanding each other, because otherwise the other model is enemy image, how irresponsible it is to turn clients away and lose money. I’m so right. And so until you apologize to me and realize how wrong you were in your thinking, I’m going to anchor my righteousness. How’s that going to go for connection? Pretty bad. So we constantly have a choice. We have that choice. Feelings arise right and invade us.

    We blend with our feelings because we have strong values. We have strong beliefs and needs that we need to get met. But usually we’re hung up on the strategies, and my strategy is so much better than yours. That’s why I’m so right.

    As you can see, if we were to keep this mindset, it would be very hard to raise a child, have a food truck together. Our life would just be in disarray all the time.

    I really believe that the loss, the biggest loss will be on intimacy and therefore, pleasure, orgasm, manifesting happiness. Those are the things that can be applause and people ask all the time, but I want more organism. I want more connection. Why is it that I can’t find? Like, men are immature, right. We hear a lot of women say, I can’t find a good man because men are so immature. I hear men saying, women are so bitchy and hard to satisfy. I can’t take it anymore. Those are external.

    It’s still enemy image. Okay. So the work that we offer we’re bringing forward is to shift that paradigm and that mindset. Therefore, today.

    So Segway. Today we’re going to be talking about the stowaway. And just exactly how do we shift ourselves out of that paradigm of blame, shame and into a more conscious, loving, more intimate connection.

    So, like we were saying, we are excited to embark on this journey to discover this new exciting land, the magical land of intimacy, the one we crave so much connection, belonging, closeness, commitment, trust, safety, all that that we want. Pleasure, multiple orgasms, adventure together, isn’t it? Why we’re alive wouldn’t be so exciting. Okay, so we’re taking this ship from the mainlands towards this beautiful intimacy paradise that we’ve pictured in our mind as this island beautiful Islands, the map of the territory, the language and the custom and culture.

    Last time we made a list of how it would look like love, connection, affection, presence, trust, friendship, joy, play, transparency, taking responsibility, sole growth feeling. So I think that’s the best definition of intimacy feeling reassured that we are loved and accepted for who we are. If we can offer that to each other, I think everything else will align cooperation. And so we do not want enemy image, power struggle, content, attempt, manipulation, monastic judgments, codependency, defenselessness, stonewalling, contempts. Okay, so we have mapped out all that last time.

    Now we’re on our way on the boat and we have ride to this island. We’ve started to settle and create, like, build a whole house and start working the land and planting seeds. And six months from now, it’s been six months and somehow on being on to us, somehow something is happening. A storm comes in again and we’re not happy and our crops are being destroyed. Yeah. What is really going on?

    Yeah, it’s really interesting. The science behind relationships. For the first six months, you are in a hormonal honeymoon oxytocin. Serotonin. Dopamine you’re just, like, so into this person and they’ve tracked it through science that this is actually happening in your body. And then the love lenses lift. Not as much serotonin oxytocin is flowing as freely.

    Oh, shit. That person is fucked up too.

    And that’s when you realize, okay. And I think this is like, the perfect time for the work to start. This is like, okay, fairly real. Yeah. We’re over like the beautiful rose tinted glasses. Those have come off. And now I’m here with a very real person who has real struggles, real shadows, just like I do. And this is for me. This is like, the most intimate part. I think this is like, the defining point of a relationship. If you’re going to continue on or if you’re going to go your separate ways is let’s develop that intimacy now.

    Well, there are a few strategies that people use. The first one could be spiritual bypassing. I’m good. I’m not getting affected. I’m above all this. I’m just going to float away to my meditation room every time something comes up, put it on a rug. It doesn’t exist. Nice.

    Definitely been in a relationship with a spiritual bypasser. A person meditated, I think like 2 hours every day it was a lot.

    But how do they end all differences and struggles?

    Meditation.

    So they don’t talk about it?

    No.

    Okay.

    Meditated away and searching for this state of bliss all the time.

    Grasping for the state of bliss.

    Yeah. And I mean, for me, I was like, okay, this is not real. I want to work through our problems.

    Was it connecting? Did you feel more connected?

    No. I felt very alienated.

    Yeah.

    Wait. I want to talk to you about this. And it was very disconnecting for me.

    Alienated as dismissive.

    No. Alienated in the sense that I was searching for more connection and the moments that I wanted to be reassured that we are still very connected. It was like, no, I’m going to go meditate, but wait. Which also triggered my abandonment wound.

    There you go.

    Yeah.

    It’s abandoning, right. You’re coming with your values. We’re being triggered because I have values that are not being met. I have needs that are not being met. Okay. We have differences if that person walks away. And that was the second strategy I wanted to get, too. The first one is like, spiritual bypass. The second one is okay. I’m not going to deal with that. It’s like I’m going to move on to next relationship. So same about admit.

    Yeah. And that person and I did part ways and not in a very conscious way. And yeah, I mean, it sucks. I felt disconnected.

    Were you feeling, like, valued or taking? Yeah.

    No, I didn’t feel valued for me. It was a really confusing time in the sense that we had just shared all this love.

    Right.

    And all of a sudden it was like, too much. Can’t do it. I have to leave you’re too much. You’re too much.

    Which is also like a storyline that has played out a lot of women that reflections like.

    Wow, I’m either not enough or too much.

    Yeah. So there’s that storyline playing in as well. And yeah, it was very disconnected. Very alienating. I actually left to visit my sister in New York for six weeks because I was just so shocked. I was like, I don’t know how this turned from one thing to the other so quickly.

    So you felt really hurt?

    Yeah. I felt deeply hurt.

    Deeply hurt. Okay. I totally understand because abandonment hurts. And so when somebody says I’m not going to deal with that problem, either they put it on the rug or say goodbye, that really hurts because it’s a rejection of everything that happened so far.

    Yeah. And so for me, actually, it was paramount in knowing what I wanted in my next partner, which was somebody who was able to have the hard conversations without being overwhelmed or shifting into these spiritual bypass, putting things under the rug. And the next partner that I met was and I have been delightfully surprised every time that we don’t do that.

    Yeah.

    I see. It like, you have to go through these things to understand exactly what it is that you want. And I never knew I wanted that in a partner.

    Yeah.

    So that person. Thank you.

    Yeah, for teaching me this and.

    Now live our lives.

    Right when somebody can meet you in the beautiful moments, but also in the difficult moments. Not because we love being in the difficult moments, not because we’re hooked on or addicted to the blame shame enemy image, but because we want to go back to connection and going back to the connection means going through the cave means going through the dark tunnel and discovering more of the shadows or dark side of ourselves, the other person. So it starts with ourselves because I can blame the world for how people the world entirely like the world is fucked up.

    Everybody’s fucked up. All the partners have been are fucked up. Who’s going to be right for me? But guess what? Are you perfect.

    I am also fucked up.

    So I can’t say I’m a powerful Manifestor and say that it’s not my fault. If all my past relationship have failed, that just does not add up. Right.

    I’ve met some people who think like that, though, and you would be astonished.

    I mean, my last relationship before you. I definitely blame her for criticizing me so much and having so much contempt over me. And she destroyed a relationship. And for a good while, I was happy with that statement. And being right in my choice to leave, it gave me the energy to leave. And it was kind of a safeguard protector. It was protecting myself to leave right to stop being in that toxic, poisonous clouds and environments for me. But then what I’m going to say, am I going to continue blaming that person forever?

    At some point, you got to sit down and ask yourself, how did I create this? What was my part of it?

    Accountability, self accountability, self reflection, self reflection.

    I value self reflection, empathy, understanding over staying in the enemy image. Blame shame game. Now we’re getting to the crook of it. Okay, so in the handouts. So the handouts just side note, you can go to recentshipalkemy. Com under the Tab podcast. You’ll find the replay of all the podcasts and the links to the different Apple podcasts, et cetera. But if you go to the tab that’s called free downloads, then you arrive on this page where you can download free downloads. Just download the worksheets. You’re going to receive a couple of few things like the conscious communication worksheets, the journey into intimacy and conscious communication that’s related to this series, an emotional literacy list of universal feelings and needs.

    We’ll talk about that next time. Okay, so just go there, download it so that you have it. And then here it is. You may blame others and the world for your past breakups. Hot breaks. I’m sorry, but reality is you’re probably not perfect yourself. And you may have brought your own shadow with you in time, your ideal island is turning into a nightmare again. So let’s talk about the self Savager. Okay, the storeway. Who is it? It’s the self Savager surprise.

    You brought your self Savager with you.

    So blaming others and the world is avoiding responsibility and disempowering to reclaim your power. Let us radically.

    Use radical honesty, typo.

    That’s why and practice self responsibility question.

    So how did you sabotage your last relationship or relationship?

    Yeah, let’s take a moment.

    Okay.

    Let’s take a moment. Maybe take a moment. Go inwards if you want to do this exercise with us and remember your last relationship, right. I understand the heartbreak. Like you said, you were devastated. You spent how long in New York?

    Six weeks?

    Yeah. Six weeks trying to men your heart. Me too. My last breakup was excruciating. It took me months to heal from that. So I get that mending our heart is important. Now let’s do the autopsy to learn and not repeat our mistakes. Mistakes?

    I think that’s the important part is the autopsy.

    Yeah. Otherwise we’re going to repeat the same pattern. Right. And then heartbreak again.

    So how did you sabotage your last relationship? And what are the ways you’re pushing love, connection and intimacy away?

    Right. So we talked about a few things, and on the handouts, we’ve given you a little list of potential. Maybe something comes to mind right away. Maybe you’re just blank like, no, they fucked me over. Okay, we get it. We’re going to give you a few ideas, see if any of them resonate with you. My last relationship I received, I was on the receiving end of a lot of content, and everything I was doing was not good enough. So if I look inside, it restocked to be on receiving end of that.

    But how did I let it happen? Okay. I could have done more. I could have been over backwards. No, none of that. Okay. Somehow I let the gates open. Somehow I enabled and I let that person build up their animated image of me. Okay, so I did therapy and self worth, I guess, self work. And I uncovered that when I was a child. My mother was my main caretaker, but also my grandmother was a very strong caretaker for me. And she used to say that I was the center of her world.

    Everything that she was doing was out of love for me. So she loved me immensely more than anything else in the world. For her, I received so much love, but I also received so much criticism. Nothing was good enough. Like I remember sitting down for doing the homework, and it would be 2345 6 hours doing one little thing. Whatever I was done was not good enough. And until she would dictate it forward for me, then it was good enough, meaning it was coming from her. Okay.

    So I anchored this love language for one of our primary caretaker that I’m loving mentally and at the same time, I’m never good enough. Okay. So somehow had its blind spots. And that person I was in an intimate relationship with gave me so much love. And at the same time when she would give me criticism, I would not place a boundary. It was like, well, it’s part of being loved. So after doing therapy and work on myself and that’s blind spot, not belief, I made a decision for myself, said, never again will someone tell me that I’m not good enough and treat me like a little boy?

    Okay. So sometimes it comes up. It has come up in our relationship. It has come up with my friends. From that statement, some of my friends had to fall away, and I still love them. And I still grieve the loss of the connection. But when I started affirming my new reality, they did not agree with it. They’re like, no, we still have to push back that you’re challenged and not good enough. I was like, no, nobody treats me like that. So there was a clash. But now I’m protecting my self worth and my self value instead of leaving that blind spot and that door open.

    Now I protect my integrity, which makes me stronger and makes our connection stronger. I’m taking care of my little boy. I’m taking care of my values. I don’t step down and get trumped over my values, right. So that’s myself. Accountability.

    Yeah. It’s funny, because thinking going back to this question of how did you sabotage your last relationship or what are the ways you’re pushing love, connection and intimacy away? Reflecting on this is really interesting. I haven’t reflected on this in a while, but yeah, for me in my past relationship. And this was like a huge lesson I learned when I went to New York. I had a lot of time to reflect and be away from the immediacy of the situation and the immediacy of the community that we’re involved in here.

    And I noticed I definitely was doing this thing where just when I was about to be in a place of vulnerability, I would attack the other person. Or like, in my mind, something came up about why this person wasn’t good enough for me to connect with.

    So you’re choosing people that are not good enough for you?

    Yes. Which was a program ingrained in me through my father of nobody is good enough for my little girl, which is a very intense mindset to have, because nobody is perfect. Everyone is going to do something where when you get to a point in your relationship with anyone, there’s going to be some discord that’s just the nature of relationships.

    So what does it mean, discord? What does it mean? Does it mean we have differences and we can understand each other and go back to connection? Or does it mean I knew it? That person is actually not good enough? I knew it already.

    Right. So going in with this mindset, it’s like, wow, you’re not good enough. And here are the here’s the list that I’ve been collecting throughout our relationship. Every time you do something.

    I went in courts.

    Yeah. Exactly. And that’s exactly what I was doing. And I was doing that, too, with, like, friendships in the past. And what was really going on for me is I was looking for a reason to be out of connection.

    Yeah.

    Because that’s all I knew.

    Growing up intimacy is scary because being vulnerable is scary. So if vulnerability starts arising, what do you do? Do you lean in or go? No. I need a good reason to step up. That’s what I’m hearing from you. Yeah.

    And that ties into, like, my at the time attachment that I had, which was avoidance, huge avoidance. And it was vulnerability is scary. I can’t trust anyone because everyone is going to fuck me over. That was a huge one. So, yeah, looking for little things that were off. And I think the biggest thing that destroyed it was not talking about it. The second I felt it, it would be putting the feelings aside on the list. It would just go on the list. And instead of talking about it and clearing it now.

    I’m growing resentment in the case.

    Yeah.

    It’s already ready to pull out a minute. We go to court.

    Yes.

    The lawyer is preparing.

    Yeah. The lawyer part of me was like, I’m taking notes and all of a sudden I have these huge feelings of resentment. And this has happened a couple of times in friendships that I’ve had, of course, huge feelings of resentment. And all of a sudden, I’ve even had, like, mediations with people where we’re both stating our case. And it’s just gone, like, terrible because we don’t have the intention to connect.

    But in the moment, you’re winning.

    Yes.

    And afterwards it feels so shitty, so shitty.

    And it’s like, wow. All I really wanted was connection and intimacy.

    And that’s the last.

    And that was how I was sabotaging myself for probably the past couple of years. And so I realized, okay, what is it going to New York and being around so many people, if you’ve ever been to New York, it’s a beautiful city. Amazing. The amount of people is overwhelming. But there’s so many different people that you can connect with. And it’s like, I don’t want to connect with any of these people on a deeper level. I want to go back to the relationships that I’ve had back to these friendships at the time I was contemplating, do I want to move to New York?

    Do I want to stay in Reno? And I decided to come back to Reno and go deeper into these relationships and these friendships that I’ve had for the past couple of years, which we’ve been through at this point. Now that I have been open to receiving the love and the vulnerability and sharing my true self, the heights that we’ve reached have been unmatched.

    I know it’s scary, and it sounds like it’s a better idea to try and change the world, but actually trying to change yourself is more achievable faster, and the effects are more like, long term. Otherwise, it’s a continuous, exhausting battle.

    And that’s what I realized in New York, because, okay, I’m repeating these patterns. It took serious introspection and serious self reflection to get to that point where I was like, Wait, am I the problem?

    Yeah.

    Wasn’t me the whole time. And it took a lot of accountability to say, no, I don’t want to do this moving forward. When I notice this cropping up in myself, creeping and stay in, I want to say, wave my sword of discernment and say, no, this is not what I want moving forward.

    That is exactly what I so value in you. And I was so surprised because I was like, Well, we have such an age gap. I need to find somebody more mature and age, but you kept getting my attention because every time something would rise up, you would go, like, okay, I can figure this out. I can change because I change all the time. I learn all the time. I learn by myself, all the time. I value so much, changing me to better me and therefore better my world and improve my reality.

    The reality I manifest. And this woman’s like, yeah, right there, right there. Wait. This is exactly what I want.

    Yeah. And for me, letting go of the blame, shame and taking to court, I would say, was a huge shift in my paradigm, which allowed me to be in relation with you, because otherwise, it’s like taking me to court and boom, we’re disconnected and moving on to the next person. So it’s such a huge shift for me in my world and the way that I view things to be able to come to this point. And it hasn’t failed me. This mindset has not failed me. It’s something that works through every situation.

    I have some very difficult family members, as I would say, everyone has. And bringing this paradigm shift to those relationships.

    Yeah.

    Don’t get me wrong. It’s hard. It is so hard, especially in familial relations, where you’ve been relating with this person a certain way throughout your whole life.

    And they still try to hook you up in the old way, and it’s not working anymore. And they get so pissed.

    Yeah, it’s been huge, like, boundaries. And we’re going to have a whole separate podcast, probably a podcast series on boundaries because they’re just paramount to your life. But, yeah, bringing this mindset shift has allowed me to journey deeper into intimacy with you, with my close friends, with random strangers on the street, too, like being able to overlook these differences. There’s so many ways that I’m different from other people. And instead of, like, searching for those differences. Now I look for the ways that were similar.

    And it’s a huge shift or understand our differences, like, oh, okay.

    You’re so different. And that’s okay. I can. I love you. Even love your differences, even though I don’t agree, even though I won’t do it like you, I can still value you. And the way you’ve come to your values and your decisions in your life and respect that.

    Yeah. And I mean, it’s been so helpful in our relationship, just running a food truck together. He does things so differently than the way I would do things. And sometimes when I’m feeling on edge, it bothers me so much. Why aren’t you doing it this way? That’s how I would do it. But then I can take a step back and say, no. He’s a different person with different perspectives and different outlook on life, and he can do it the way that he wants to do it. And then I let go of my need to control.

    Perfect. So let’s go back to the question. We’re trying to give you ideas. How did you sabotage your last relationship? What are the ways you’ve been pushing love, connection and intimacy away? If something hits, it could be busyness. Distractions, laziness, avoidance, negativity.

    Rejecting differences, enemy image, the enemy image. What we just talked about lengthy resentment.

    So going to court.

    Going to court, building a case, fear or lack of trust, which is huge.

    It’s a hard one to accept. But I have deep fears, anxiety and lack of trust. That when I engage in relationship, I tend to sabotage them. It’s a hard statement to accept. But if it’s true, facing it and confronting it. I know it could be scary, but it will be the way through the other side.

    Yeah. I mean, just like sharing my story, the fear and everyone’s going to fuck me over. I can’t trust anyone, which was a pattern or sorry, a program given to me by someone else. Yeah. Working through that is really scary. But on the other side, a whole new world liberation. Yeah. So we also talked about wanting to be right or self righteousness.

    That could be an addiction.

    A powerful addiction.

    Being right is probably one of the hardest addictions I face and reinforced by society so much through the movies.

    The stories, the books, what I was saying about religion, the dogma part of religion that can reinforce that belief. Is it really serving you? If it is, keep it. You make your choices. Expectations. Okay. So usually these appointments are exactly related to expectations. Arguing with reality. That’s a big one for me. It’s like it shouldn’t be this way. It’s like today. It’s raining, and it shouldn’t be this way. I feel so angry because it’s raining today. What can you do about it? So you’re arguing with reality.

    So you’re making yourself miserable. Okay. Attachment to perfection. That could be a big one, especially in the US perfection, yours and others. Okay. Your attachment attachment to your own perfection can be a big intimacy killer and definitely being attached to the other’s perfection. Definitely, Mr. Killer, because again, it’s arguing with reality. It’s not realistic. It’s not pragmatic. It’s not going to happen. Impatience is a big one for me. The way I can push love away or connection or intimacy is impatience, because if I really thought of it, it should already have changed.

    How come the world is now moving fast enough?

    Yeah. And the last one is lack of discernment or lack of healthy boundaries.

    Yeah. See if any of those resonates for you. Okay. So it’s not something we can give you. It’s something for you to self reflect. And that’s the big power for me. The power of self reflection is immense. Everything we’ve been talking about for the last what 49 minutes now is about the power of self reflection. I believe the power of self reflection is stronger than any image being right.

    Wrong.

    I mean, the right wrong, bad, good, bad Blam Shing paradigm. It is stronger, but it is a choice. You have to decide and choose it. And when something else shows up, the old paradigm, looking at it and say, there you are again, I will do differently, even if you still do the same again. Like, okay, Redo, how would I have done it again? So instead of going, oh, I fucked up again. And self Loading. Just do the redo. Okay, I did it again. That’s okay. I’m getting it.

    So surely. And how would I done it differently? And playing a different scenario in your head is already a new step forward.

    Yeah. Just to touch on that a little bit more. I was actually talking about that with a friend. And the way that he and I view the world is very similar of sharpening our sort of discernment and boundaries. And these people come into our life at what we think of as random, but really an intricate, deeply intricate plan of testing where you’re at in your hero’s journey. So you say I slayed this Dragon never again. The Dragon morphs, because Dragons are magical and morphed into a different look.

    But it’s still the same Dragon. And is your sword sharp enough to play the Dragon again? Are your boundaries firm enough to not even let the Dragon in the first place?

    Yeah. And we talking about boundaries, not hard boundaries, but boundaries with compassion. We have a whole episode on it, but basically, it’s like, how can I be firm with what I need without cutting love away?

    Yeah.

    So I’m still here. I still love you. But that behavior does not work for me.

    Whole other series.

    So the last question, the second question is, therefore, what do you need to let go of?

    And yeah, to bring in another fruitful relationship, another loving relationship full of intimacy and connection. Moving forward. What is it that you need to let go of. And there’s something out there for everyone, I assure you. And just taking that time to self reflect, to think about it, to analyze the patterns in your past. I encourage you to do that. And I encourage that to happen. And I encourage it to be a regular thing for you, not just something you do once a year. But like anyone listening to this podcast, they desire to be a better person.

    That’s why we’re all here. We all want to be better people. And so I encourage you to look at your past patterns and relationships and see, how can I do better? What can I let go of moving forward?

    Yeah. Take a moment. Because last episode, we were talking about what would be our ideal relationship, and it’s not enough to just say, okay, I’m a powerful Manifestor. I’m going to manifest the relationship that I want. And I’m so clear on the list that I want and the list that I don’t want. Unfortunately, we have blind spots. We call them shadows, for example, and they will creep again until we look at them. They will pull our strings again. So we have plenty of processes and tools to learn how to bring more discernment and face our shadows.

    We don’t have the time to go over them right now, but just getting into this awareness and choosing this path is essential. That’s our value. And so those two questions that we’re asking you today to reflect on, they’re the trail heads. Okay. How did you sabotage your last relationship? What are the ways you tend to push love, connection and intimacy away? That would be the trailhead, and therefore what you need to let go of. Okay, so those are the trail heads. The trail heads to start uncovering a shadow over what to do with it some other times and other episodes.

    It’s deep work. We also do private sessions to help people through that. Now next episode, we’ve talked about the territory we’ve talked about, why we tend to destroy what we create more awareness instead of bypassing. Then with all that knowledge, we’re going to talk next time about the language of conscious communication. Okay. How do we use the English words to convey really precisely our truth, our reality, so that we are heard, seen, understood to the core, and the other feels heard, seen and understood. So we have this yummy gooey, gooey, chocolate chip feeling of intimacy because I’m a junkie to that.

    Aren’t we all all right. Well, thank you guys for listening. And we hope to see you next time with our next episode. And just to remember that you can get this podcast on various different sources, you can always reach out to us if you want to talk to us more about anything that we’ve talked about.

    So go to Relationshipalkemey. Com. You have the tab that’s podcast where you get all the replays and you have the links to all the apps you can listen to us on, like Apple Music, Google Podcast, et cetera. Go to that free download tab where you can download the resources that we’re sharing with you. And also you would receive updates about the upcoming podcast and resources that we provide.

    And if you are located in Reno, we are having in person classes at the studio in Midtown. That tab is also on there. And I believe our classes are every other week.

    So the first and third Wednesday of the month.

    The first and third Wednesday of the month. If you want to talk about this and if you want to go deeper into this with other people, join us in our class.

    Yeah, we learn tools. We’ll practice tools such as nonviolent communication, internal family systems, which is a very powerful modality to heal from trauma and from bad experiences and beliefs. Negative beliefs that don’t serve us anymore. That we might have anchored in the past, from bad experiences at the time it was valid and useful, but maybe not anymore. So those modalities will practice together and unpack whatever you want to bring it in. We can talk about intimacy, sexuality, polyamory all that good stuff.

    All right. Well, thank you for joining us, and we’ll see you next time. Bye.

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