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Dissolving Power Struggles in Intimate Relationships

    Back in 2013, my therapist said, “Love is not enough. You’ve got to address issues about power, sex, and money, otherwise, they will destroy your relationships.” She was right!

    Your partner, friend, or family member might say that they see you as their equal, but in tense situations, how do they treat you? Do they try to force their way on you? Power struggles can also start in very subtle ways.

    Do you tend to give your power away, or do you tend to unconsciously try to overpower others?

    If you want to nurture a thriving relationship that provides safety and deep connection, then recognizing and dissolving negative thoughts and power struggles is paramount.

    Tune in to this episode on Dissolving Power Struggles in Intimate Relationships.

    Our free handout is available for download here as you listen in: https://relationshipalkemy.com/free-downloads/

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    Hi. Welcome back to our podcast. I’m Jordan Bessaignet.

    I’m Olivier Bessaignet. Podcast Relationship Alchemy.

    Welcome back to Relationship Alchemy.

    And today we’re going to be talking about out dissolving power struggles and judgments and judgments.

    Forgot to put that on there. But dissolving power struggles. So we were telling a friend about this topic, and her first question was, well, what’s the power struggle?

    What’s a power struggle and why is it one of the number one killer or destroyer of intimacy and relationships? Yeah. A power struggle is when you want to have things go your way. And we all do, maybe. And you pull a trick to why it has to go your way. Because I’m an adult, because I’m a teacher, because I’m a judge, because I’m older than you, because I’m a man.

    Because I know better than you.

    Because I know better.

    My personal favorite.

    Right. So there are many ways and we’re going to unpack this today, many ways we try to have power in the relationship. Power over or power under. That is not equal power. Okay. So back in 2013, my therapist said I was in a relationship and it was not going too well. And she said, no, love is not enough. The three things that will kill your relationship if your issues, if you don’t address them are money, sex and power.

    And I would say money and sex can be under the power struggle.

    That is why we’re not doing money, sex and power. We’re doing power struggles because money can be a power. Sex can be a power either by pushing sex or retaining sex or money, like a power can be trying to power over or retaining or taking away. If I take away my love, then I got the power in the relationship.

    Yeah. I’ve definitely been in so many kinds of intimate relationships with people where there have been power struggles. And it’s something I’m still trying to really grasp is, okay, power struggles might come up then what?

    Yeah. The way to dissolve power struggles is to not play into the power struggle. And in order to not play into the power struggle, we need to recognize that a power struggle is happening, that we’re not on equal power anymore. And to go, you know, this is not equal power. This is getting into a little power struggle here. I’m not playing. Okay. And so it’s very tricky. It’s not easy. So we can’t give you like a four minute run. We’re going to try to give you an hour run. That’s just going to touch the surface because Relationship Alchemy, for me, having the best relationship that you want is like dissolving power struggle is like paramount. It’s like the number one T, because everything if you manage to address that, everything will fall into alignment underneath. That makes sense. It’s like the big thing. This one helps. Everything will align.

    It’s like when you go to the chiropractor.

    Right.

    And then your whole spine is, like, aligned.

    Yeah. So how does it feel? How to recognize the power struggle.

    Okay, so first question, how to recognize the power struggle.

    It has a feeling attached to it.

    It does have a feeling. And I would describe this feeling as it’s interesting. I’ve been in many power struggles growing up. My dad and I would butt heads a lot. And it’s funny because that was the terminology that my mom would use. Like, oh, you guys are just too alike. You guys are always butting heads. And really we were having power struggles because my dad wanted me to do something. I didn’t want to do it. And he definitely used the phrase it’s my way or the highway.

    There you go, right there.

    Which is so just outward, like power struggle, not even trying to hide it. I would get this feeling and it’s like an energetic feeling of like someone is trying to make you do something. In my case that I didn’t want to do. And my dad also used physical force to get me to do things. So it would start off with a verbal confrontation, and I would say no or like, I don’t want to do this. And then it would turn into a physical.

    So three levels. First is words. Second is emotions. I’m trying to get my way by pushing or pulling through and emotional things. It could be getting angry or it could be, oh, you don’t love me.

    Yeah. Little girl trippy here, slime manipulation.

    So that’s levels of engagement. So words, you need to do this because I say so. Okay. And second level is like, Nick in there. Like, otherwise I’m going to get angry at you, or otherwise you don’t love me. And I’m going to put my way my love. Third is physical.

    Yeah. It felt terrible, and so it felt terrible, but it also created this part of me and my personality that liked power struggles because I thought that was normal.

    Yeah. That’s part of the love language at home.

    It was the love language.

    I thought we’re a family because we fight.

    Because we fight. And, you know, so when I would start to want intimate relationships, romantic, intimate relationships, power struggles would arise and it would turn me on.

    Yeah.

    Oh, this is hot.

    There’s tension.

    Yeah, there’s tension. Like, oh, this is hot. And I thought that was normal.

    Yeah.

    And it took me a while to realize after a couple of different relationships, like, okay, what’s the common denominator here? Me what’s really going on here? And I think I had to read Conscious Loving, and that really hit home with like, oh, power struggles are not normal in relationships, nor are they hot. I’m just traumatized. And that book just really hit home and helped me understand more why I was getting into the why I was, like, creating these power struggles.

    Yeah, that’s what I wanted to say. So there are two levels here. First of all, there’s a level of relationship where it’s appropriate to have a power difference if it’s between a parent and a child. Right. So of course, our son being 15 months old, of course we have power for him because it’s not appropriate for him to have full agency over himself. He just can’t he’s 15 months old right now. At 15 years old, it’s still the same. I mean, usually most of the time the teenager is still under survival for money, for food, for safety, physical and emotional safety from the parents. So it’s appropriate to have a power difference. Now when it comes to intimate relationships and when we’re adults in France.

    It’S over 18 as well.

    Okay.

    The second you turn 18.

    You’Re your own person.

    You’Re an adult, you’re your own person.

    So legally you have self agency, right?

    Yes. Okay.

    I’m not sure about I’m not used to the difference between 18 and 21, but I guess that’s another subject. So 18 got it over 18. Like in France, you are your own person, which means you have the right to decide for yourself.

    Yes.

    Okay. Once you have the right to decide for yourself and you engage into an intimate relationship, I believe it’s a universal truth. But if people want to argue with that, depending on their culture. But I believe that it’s the right for each person. It’s healthy for each person to engage on equal standpoint.

    Yeah, I would agree with that, too. And I know a lot of people that would not agree with that.

    We’re in a free country, the west. I mean, France, I was raised in a free country, and my parents mothered that we are equals now. We’re equal beings. It doesn’t mean that we can have a difference of power. Somebody can have money power and the other less. Somebody can have spiritual power, the other one less. But somebody can have social power. A famous author or a surgeon can have a lot of status, and the other one can be a home mom. How do you say a home mom? That’s perfectly. It’s a huge difference of power. But then when we come home, then we are equal human beings, and that’s the healthy way to engage in romantic relationships and partnerships. And it’s a sustainable way. Okay. Now we’re going to go into over all the ways that are not healthy and sustainable, you might say, well, I’ve been a 20 year marriage or a 40 year marriage, and we have power struggles all the time. Well, good for you. If you didn’t break up.

    Yeah.

    But for me, it’s not healthy. It’s not sustainable.

    Yeah, it’s definitely not healthy. But I think that in American culture specifically, there is this glorification of power struggles. You see it on TV, there’s like the hero, and she’s like fighting crime. And somebody tries to tell her like, no, don’t do this. And it’s like, Why? Because I’m your superior and then you’re rooting for the main character.

    And find their power through that.

    Power through that. So let’s go over difference of power real quick just to give some examples. If you’re listening to this podcast or watching and you’re kind of scratching your head like, oh, what’s?

    So we have a little bit.

    Yeah. So first of all, there’s social status. And this can mean you’re a parent, a teacher, a therapist. There’s money involved, which means somebody might have more money than you or you have more money than someone else popularity. You’re an author and influencer age. I think this one is a really interesting cultural status age that the elders of the community have more power.

    Let’s go over the holders. But then I want to give examples for you.

    Yeah. And then there’s law, which is like the police, the army, et cetera.

    So, yeah. If you talk to somebody in the army and they say, go this way or police officers go this way, you got to do it. Otherwise they’re going to be in trouble. Right?

    Yeah.

    So that’s social status.

    So that’s all social status. Moral status, which is religion example, I’m a priest or a Cardinal or I’m the Pope. You have to listen to what I’m saying.

    So that’s both moral and social status.

    Yes. This is really interesting. And there’s institutions which are all systemic, which are a judge, maybe a person in government.

    Yeah. Politician, politician, politician is a high social status, but they might want to embody a moralistic social status.

    Yes.

    Right. Because moral people, which we all know politicians are the most moralistic people out there. Right. So the moral status could be like the person is a priest or a preacher and say, I’m the head of my Church. So that’s why I’m right. Or a person could be like anybody but say marriage and says, that’s why I’m right. And things need to go my way.

    We’re going to give examples and then moralistic judgments, which also falls under kind of moral status of what’s good, what’s bad or country, race, gender.

    So, I mean, Maristic judgment does not necessarily it’s not because the Quran said that, because the Bible said that because I’m a judge and I know better. My six judgment is, yeah, what’s good, what’s bad? Or I judge you for being lazy. I judge you for being XYZ. Right. So morality judgments does not necessarily back itself on a moral status or social status just because I have judgments about how things need to go. And the last one I put country, I’m right because I’m an American or because I’m a European and Indian people or Asian people or XYZ because they’re country, because they’re race, because I’m a male. And that’s tolling to the patriarchy. Those are based on moralistic judgments. Okay. So those are all the reasons why somebody would identify with a position and use that to pressure somebody else to get their way, make sense.

    Yes. So let’s go over some examples real quick. I mean, social status of being a parent.

    Right. So after being 18, that should stop.

    But I definitely know many people where that doesn’t stop. For example, my own family, definitely my dad uses well, I’m your dad, so I know you more than you know yourself.

    Right. I know better. You don’t understand.

    You don’t understand or you haven’t accepted it yet, like some sort of something like that. There’s a teacher.

    Yeah. So because I’m a teacher, then I know better about life, about whatever teacher does that. I don’t know. I know therapists. What I mean is that teacher and students, whether they’re under 18 or over 18, if you go to take classes, then the teacher has like, we teach workshops. Right. So as a workshop leaders, we have a bigger power than the participants.

    Yes.

    Therefore, we have a responsibility with that. Same for the therapist. Okay. The therapist has a higher power than the clients because therapist is not sharing about their vulnerability. The client is. So the client is opening up. It’s just one way.

    So there’s also, like, ethics rules for these to protect both students and teachers, or in this case, like therapists and clientele to make sure that there are no power differences or that nothing like shady happens.

    That’s very important in ethics. Exactly what you said for workshop leaders and therapists especially. We also are to teachers. I’ve done so many tons of workshops and seen in townshore workshops. Sometimes the workshop leaders sleeps with the students, and we’ve seen so many cases of therapists also that sleep with their students. Like a big breach of ethics. Why is it so and I can give you the example for teachers, because my dad was the teacher and my mom was a student when they met, and then they started dating, and then they had me. So that was also a breach of ethics. I love my parents, and there’s nothing wrong with what they did except that they did not follow the ethical path of realizing that there’s a power difference. And therefore we need to dissolve the power difference before we go into the intimate relationship. Otherwise, it sets it up for a power dynamic dynamic, and therefore directly power struggles.

    So money is pretty explicit. Inventory.

    Yeah. I have more money than you. Therefore, things need to go my way.

    Popularity authors influencers people that are so I can give you the perfect example.

    Because that’s my previous relationship, my best relationship. We would have a difference of opinion. Okay. And she would say, I’m right, because my friend so she was a famous author. My friend who wrote XYZ book says in her book, which therefore I’m writing this argument in this conversation, like, wow, he’s just pulling apart trick on me right now. We’re having conversation as intimate partners. Don’t pull a freaking book on me, okay? Tell me this is your opinion and you’re anchored in your opinion. I understand that. But pushing their opinion because I wrote that in a book or my famous friend wrote that in the book. Thank you.

    So the next one is age. An example of this is an elder in the community. And this is really interesting because this is like something that’s been ingrained in me culturally, like respect your elders.

    Yeah.

    So I personally have not seen this abused before, but I imagine there are scenarios out there where people, elders in the community might have abused their power in some way.

    I mean, it’s pretty easy when somebody has more experience to go, like, well, it needs to go my way because I know better because I’ve lived longer. So I have more experience. So when an elder gives an advice in terms of I’ve been through this, I can tell you my point of view. That’s great. We’re still equal human beings. We’re still equal power. And I’m sharing the gold of my experience. That’s beautiful. But when it comes to the elder has the final word and it needs to go their way because they’re an elder, then we’re not on the same, like, grounds, and they’re putting themselves as superior.

    Yeah.

    So there are two examples in this age and elder. So my father was three years older than my mom. I’m 25 older than my wife. It would be easy to go. It needs to go my way because I’m older and I know better. And this is the most important part. If you have more power because money, because status, because whatever, then it’s your responsibility to come into the relationship and put it aside.

    Yeah. I think that’s a really good example that slipped my mind because I really don’t think of us our age difference, because like you said, it is your responsibility to put that to the side. So that was a really good example. I was not thinking about that. So the next one is, if somebody is in the law, if they are a police officer, if they’re in the army.

    So I was driving down the street, and this random guy goes, you stop at the lights. There was not a light. It was just like a passage for, wow, I’m losing my words there. Pedestrian. Yes.

    Pedestrian crosswalk.

    Yeah. Crosswalk. Thank you. So I stopped at a crosswalk, and these random guys go, Put your lights on. I was like, it must be a cop. I understand he would do that when he has a uniform, but it’s a problem when he puts the onion form down and it still talks this way to somebody now equals it doesn’t have the uniform anymore.

    Yeah.

    What the hell that happened one time.

    I remember I was like, probably ten, and we were in Vegas, and my mom was driving on the freeway, and she had cut someone off, not intentionally, by accidentally. And the guy followed us to the gas station, got out of his car, and he was like, I’m a police officer. I would have written you a ticket for that. And it was just so inappropriate because he stopped us. Like, my mom is pumping gas. She has her kids in the car. It was interesting because this man had a delusion of power, but he wasn’t wearing his uniform.

    Exactly.

    And that’s so inappropriate to stop someone at the gas station and like, okay, sure, you got cut off, but you just move on to the next part of your day.

    Yeah.

    And because he was a police officer, he thought that it was socially acceptable for him to come up to my mom and to talk to her and to tell her all the things that she had done wrong, even though he wasn’t on.

    So the problem is that when he puts down his uniform and he goes home and does the same with brother, sister, wife, et cetera, because the mindset because he’s used to giving orders. And it could be the same with the boss. With the manager. I can’t believe I forgot to put that on my list. The boss the manager, especially. Like, for example, if you have a business together, we have a business together. So who’s the boss?

    I’m the boss.

    My name is some guys to be top dog. Power struggle. Yeah, right. So you need to put that mindset down, right when you go home. And also if you’re the opposite, which is the employee, the assistant, you need to put that mindset down and come to the other family members, your spouse, et cetera, and come back with equal power. Equal. Equal human beings. Right?

    Yeah. So let’s get into the juicy stuff.

    Okay.

    I think the rest of this is pretty self explanatory. I hope you guys got a little glimpse of what we mean when we say, like, power struggles and how these can be created. But the juicy stuff now is it? What is it? So let’s say there’s a power struggle in your relationship. This can be any intimate relationship, and these do creep up. Maybe you’re doing your best and you’re very vigilant, but something happens. Something creeps up, and there’s a power struggle. What do you do then?

    Yes, there are different stages and levels. The last one is going to be boundary. So we did that a couple of episodes ago. We might touch on it again right now. So watch the other one for a full thing on boundaries. Okay. So the first thing is to notice the feeling, because the feeling is going to tell you that a purse struggle is happening because either you feel pumped up or you feel you’re, like, shrinking inside, and all of a sudden what’s normal is to walk around and be yourself. I know it’s not easy. I know maybe a lot of people that are listening to us, it’s not their reality. Like, current normal all the time reality. So you’re feeling fully yourself. Everything is okay. And also, for some reason, you feel cringy, like something is going on. I don’t know what’s going on.

    Yeah. Or I think this is really important. You feel pumped up.

    Yeah.

    And I want to dive into this part more because I feel like I can really understand the shrinking part. But the pumped up, because as somebody who has perpetuated power struggles, I think this is really interesting. The feeling you feel after power struggle.

    Yeah. Are you asking me?

    Yeah.

    I thought you. No, you had it. I know because I hate it.

    Yeah. It’s interesting because you’re the opposite. I’d say you’re more of like a shrinking.

    I can feel when I could have the little gates and go like, this is my entrance and I compress it and it could be with our younger friends. Okay. Let’s assert ourselves. When it comes to boundary, people ask, like, how can I be more assertive? That’s also a very good one.

    Yes. I was going to say this is like a really interesting question because where is the line between assertive and aggressive?

    Right.

    Where is the line?

    I’m going to answer that. When it comes to boundaries, for example, people say, I want to be more assertive. And the thing is, if you are assertive, when you need to place a boundary, that means you’re going to push back and you’re trying to have more power than the other, you’re still perpetrating power shutter. So that’s why I say when placing boundary, you do not need to be assertive. You need to be decisive. Is that very different or there’s a difference? If I’m assertive, I need to push back and say, no, you’re not right. Because I’m right and I need to push my point further. So you cave. Okay, that’s assertive.

    Yes.

    Now if I’m decisive, it’s like, wait, nobody tells me what you think or what to do. I’m decisive. And so I go like, hey, what are you trying to do? Because nobody tells me what to do or what to think. So if you’re telling me what to do, what to think, I’m not okay with it. And either that change or I’m going to step out to do something else that’s decisive because you know your own rules, you know your own standpoint that you’re decisive about your own rules. Okay. And that’s not a power struggle. That’s dissolving power struggle.

    So I think that should go somewhere because it is true. Let’s get into this a little bit more. What are some ways that people can perpetuate power struggles without knowing it? And I think that is one example of being assertive. Well, you don’t need to be assertive when setting a boundary because it’s just your boundary.

    Yeah, exactly. So if you feel you’ve pushed in and you’re about to cave in. Right. Either you’re trying to push back and be more powerful than the other or match it. Even trying to match the others power is still in the power struggle.

    Yeah, exactly. Because at that point I think of it like Rams.

    Yes, exactly.

    When they’re fighting and they have their horns and they’re locked and they’re trying to push back and forth and they’re engaged in the power shuttle versus like disengaging in the power shuttle. Somebody’s trying to do that and you just step to the side.

    Exactly.

    And their power. Oh, my God, this is so good.

    I’ve done Aikido for seven years and that’s exactly what it is. It’s like somebody comes with power and you just step aside and you let them hit their wall. It’s just not the resisting force. You just like, and whatever their force that they’re putting in, it’s going to Boomerang backwards. So the first thing is if you’re trying to push back, you’re still in the power struggle. Second thing is if you cave in, which means you submit or you ignore it. Right. You’re still in a power struggle.

    Surprise. You’re still engaged in a power struggle when you are submissive. Because then this is really interesting coming from like, BDSM, because they say the submissive has all the power because they’re the one setting the boundaries, setting the parameters. They’re the one like, sure that the Dom is doing things to them, but they have the power because they’re submitting.

    Yeah. So there’s a lot of agreements so that nobody gets hurt. But we are moving into a power dynamic.

    Yeah, right.

    I mean, it might be erotic or there might be some sexual tension there. I don’t experience that. So I can really talk about that as a personal experience because I hate power struggles and I want to dissolve them. So I’m not in power struggles when I have sex with my partner. There’s no power struggle. So we can blossom.

    Some people do experience, BTSM, Kink, all of that. It is a real life thing. I was just using it as.

    Yeah. So I’m not saying don’t do it. I’m like track it. Okay. So if something is through a power dynamic, track the feeling. And yeah, it’s good to have rules when there’s a parodynamic, usually there are rules so that things continue without hurting somebody. But I prefer to just dissolve it. So submitting, caving in or not engaging or ignoring, you’re still fueling the power struggle. Because if the other one, like, says, this is my way, this is my way, and you ignore it, that means you’re letting them driving the conversation and it’s still their world. Their truth becomes the truth.

    Yeah. So what would be your advice for somebody who might be engaged in a power struggle with their partner or in an intimate relationship of some sort?

    What would be your advice to them so we can break it down another level? Because the government Institute, they have this little thing they say we can predict at 90% accuracy the future of a relationship based on those four elements. If there’s a lot of criticism, contempt, defensiveness or stonewalling, then the relationship is highly at risk. And those four elements, where do they come from? What do they represent? Power struggles.

    Right.

    So that’s why you need to track defensiveness is like, yeah, I really don’t like that you said that you put the trash out yesterday and still not down. Well, not my fault. Because that’s defensiveness.

    No, I didn’t.

    Defensiveness is a way to get out of accountability. And therefore it is a power struggle. Criticism is you should XYZ, because also criticism is mostly about judgment. Okay. So you are.

    Lazy.

    Lazy, irresponsible, immature, selfish, all that. That means you’re bad, you’re wrong.

    Right?

    I’m right. And there I’m superior.

    Therefore I am superior.

    Right there. So all those words of judgments, like how to get out of power struggles need to track all those words of moralistic judgments and take them out of your vocabulary.

    So this is why with conscious communication, it’s important to track am I making comparisons? Am I making analysis? Am I making, like to track the story?

    Yes.

    Track the story. And we do believe in saying, I have an analysis of you.

    Yes.

    Or Pinpointing. I have a judgment of you.

    A diagnosis.

    I have a diagnosis of you.

    So another way that hurt today about our struggle is like, this person really disrespected me.

    Yeah. I think this is a really common language mistake that’s used in everyday language. This person disrespected me. And really what they’re saying is I feel hurt by hurt by your being angry.

    Like when somebody says I feel disrespected, usually there are two layers. The first one is Ouch and the second one is I’m regaining my power.

    Yes. So this is really interesting. We were talking about this beforehand. This is kind of like going with the assertiveness of boundaries because I feel. Oh, I remember it was I feel taken advantage of.

    Yes, absolutely.

    And so when someone is taking advantage of you, a natural inclination is to push back, like, okay, I need to defend myself. I need to protect myself, and I have to push back because I’m perceiving that there is a power struggle of some sort.

    So usually it’s an emotion bypass. And anger is a perfectly valid motion. I feel angry that somebody is doing something to me that I’m not okay with. The bypass would be not to acknowledge the anger and just go into like using the anger to push back or to get revenge or to take advantage of that person that’s trying to take advantage of us, out them socially, remove our love. Right. Or judge them, criticize them. Okay. So that would be bypassing the anger and going straight into an action, an action that perpetuates a power struggle, whereas the healthy way would go like, wow, I feel really angry right now. I’m really pissed off. I’m really upset now. You are in your power and you can feel your power when you take your power and you push it onto somebody else because you have the right. So because they took advantage of you. So you have the right to counter attack or make them feel how it feels to be taken advantage of, then you’re using that anger and that power and you’re pushing on somebody else. Okay. But if you stay in your power and go like, wow, I feel so angry.

    This doesn’t work for me. And then you place a boundary.

    Boundary.

    So the boundary is this doesn’t work for me. You’re free. The equality is you’re free to do whatever you want to do. You’re free to spend your money the way you want. You’re free to spend your time the way you want. Okay? But when it has a negative impact on me, that doesn’t work for me. Okay? If that doesn’t change, then I’m going to change my behavior.

    I’m like Mind Blittery.

    So I’m thinking of our friends who are moving right now, and one is like painting everything and the other one is on vacation and they both pissed at each other because one is like, well, I’m doing all the work and the other one is like, why are you bugging me? I love it because each person is in their own reality and justified in their own reality. So if I’m listening to one and I don’t know the other one’s reality, I’m like, wow, they’re right. And if I’m listening to the second one and I don’t know what’s going on with the first one, I’m like, wow, they’re right too. So they sound right in their own world. Now, when we try to have a relationship, that means those two words try to come together.

    Yes. And I think this is like the key paramount highlight. This is the important part. When you’re engaging with someone, it’s not just you.

    Yeah.

    And I saw this beautiful diagram on Instagram one time because we had been trying to explain this to somebody and it wasn’t quite landing. So this person on Instagram had drawn a Venn diagram. So there’s you, and then you’re your own bubble, and then there’s me and I’m my own bubble. And if we say you and me.

    Then we don’t have a relationship.

    We don’t have a relationship. There’s going to be power struggles. It’s going to be your way or it’s going to be my way.

    Well, if they’re separate, they don’t interact. Now, if one becomes like, take all the space of the other, then that’s the power struggle. And I’m having it my way because I’m right.

    In a Venn diagram, the circles are conjoined and in an equal way, there’s an us, and this is how you navigate relationships. So there’s you and then there’s me and we negotiate and we negotiate in the middle, and therefore it’s fair and equal for everyone involved.

    Yeah. So the thing I said to that person that was saying, well, I’m doing all the thing and I’m getting re resentful. My response was like, can you do your parts and be generous and do a little bit of their parts but not assume responsibility for everything they are moving. So can you move your stuff? Can you move some furniture and you can leave all their stuff and half of the furnitures and the cleaning? And if they don’t do it and they go like, well, the landlord is not happy and they’re asking me for an extra fee. And the people are moving in on the first and I’m not moved out. I’m like, it sucks. And I’m like, yeah, it does, right? But I contact all responsibility for all that responsibility on me. So I took maybe 60% of the responsibility and I let you figure out the 40% that you are responsible for. So the boundary is crossing the line where you can be loving, giving, generous, but not take all the responsibility. And you organize your life so that some of the responsibility. You don’t shouldering it. Right. So if she could take our stuff out, clean her room and clean up the house, the bathroom, and so she’s done her work and so that the person is coming back who is late or whatever, whenever she needs to organize her life, she really needs to go on vacation.

    Maybe it was to save a relationship. I don’t know. They’re trying to best that’s the key, too. I assume they are trying to do the best they can to meet their own needs and survive in this world. Okay. So there’s no criticism there, but I’m taking the responsibility that I can I cannot take responsibility of everybody in the world so I can help my friends but not take on their responsibility.

    Wow.

    That’s the boundary.

    That’s the boundary. That’s the key here. And you can speak with your therapist. Why? If you do tend to do these things, why is it why do you tend to overexert yourself or overgive I personally am an overgiver. And then I find myself resenting people when they can’t give back to me what I feel like I’m giving them. Yeah. So I’ll be talking with my therapist a little bit more.

    So a few pointers. Yeah. Over giving or taking on too much resources. Yeah. Would be definitely pointers. So for me, the key phrase of a boundary is you’re free to do whatever you choose to do. Okay. That would mean we are equal. So another one, contempt. I’ve been on the receiving amount of contempt my previous relationship, the famous author, she had more money, she had more power in the world. She had more influence. And therefore she was like, well, you’re not doing as much as I do, so you’re not doing enough. So you’re not enough. So I was always feeling like I was never enough. Whatever I do, I was never enough. She also tends to be not avoidant attachment, but the opposite. Anxious, anxious attachment so whatever love I would be giving, it was never enough. So I always felt that could be a queue that was never enough for doing enough. That means there is a power struggle somewhere.

    I feel like we need to create like a checklist, like the power struggle here.

    If XYZ maybe close to codependency.

    I know. It’s really interesting. Power struggles and the codependency, they’re kind of like intermingling with each other. It’s really interesting.

    Yeah. So we would love to have more examples. If you guys want to write to us, that’d be great.

    Please write it to us. If you have any questions.

    Because then we can address them.

    Yeah, we can share them. Share with us your stories.

    Yeah.

    Let’s talk about power struggling.

    Right. And all the ways because it’s hard to see on wrap, especially if you’re used to them, because that’s what was the way in the family dynamic or the school dynamic. Had somebody shared a man saying that his whole childhood was about team sports. So being by himself, his dad will always get him into soccer and football and whatever, like team, team, team. It was like, how can I relax a minute and not be always pulled into this world where it’s normalized? Okay. Because the power struggle is normalized. Then we don’t see it.

    You don’t see it until it’s too late. And then you’re like, Dang, it was there the whole time. And here are all the little key pointers that were pointing to it. Yeah.

    So what can you do? It’s like track the feeling. Try to see how you or the other person are justifying their point of view as the truth or the thing that needs to be done. If somebody says, this is my point of view and you’re free to have your point of view, this is what I do and you’re free to do what I do, then there’s no power struggle. So the opposite is if my point of view is the right point of view, then there’s a part of struggle. Or if my husband or my wife or my manager is always right and I have to cave in or agree with them, that means you’re perpetrating a power struggle by giving your power away.

    Some good juicy stuff. I’m really marinating. If you want, please write to us. Also, if you like our podcast, please give us a thumbs up or a five star rating. And if you extra love our podcast, please leave us a review. It will really help our ratings. And yeah, if you have any questions, reach out. Please always go to Relationshipalkemy.com. We have all of our podcasts there under the Podcast tab. We also have a free download if you’re interested in diving deeper.

    All the worksheets will be there for this one because this is in the middle of last time we did Boundaries and the one before triggers.

    Yes. So we have everything on relationshipalkemy.com. And once again, if you think somebody else could benefit from listening to this podcast or any of our podcasts, please share it with them. Spread the word. We are here to serve.

    All right.

    All right. You all have a good day. Have a good rest of your day. See you next time.

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