Especially in America, women are expected to have a strong masculine side: they’re expected to be high achievers, have a successful career, and be perfect parents, all while looking like fashion models and having out of this world pleasure in their sex life!
But pleasure and intimacy can become elusive. There’s no action plan to figure out how to surrender into the Feminine. It’s quite the opposite.
Tune in to this episode where Jordan shares her journey with orgasms and childbirth, and how she learned how to surrender into the Feminine.
Hi. Welcome back to our podcast RelationshipAlkemy. I’m Jordan Bessaignet.
And I’m Olivier Bessaignet.
And today we have a super juicy topic. Our topic is surrendering into the feminine. What does it mean?
Yeah. Have you heard about that? We just started another round of our contract workshop, and it’s all we talk about. I mean, it’s a lot of what we talk about because it can be so elusive, especially now Western society.
Especially in America, especially in America. I think this is a really key point here, meeting you who you are European. And it’s really interesting because when I see a European woman, I know she’s European just based off of the way that she carries herself, which is so different from how American women carry themselves. Like, they have this Grace and this innate femininity, no matter how they dress, what they look like, maybe they’re a tomboy. Like, I’ve literally seen it all. But European women just have a different expression of femininity.
Yeah, I agree to that. And it took me a while, actually, to realize as much. But it’s true that dating women in France and women in America has been pretty different in terms of masculine energy and feminine energy. I’ve been surprised how many women first have suffered from trauma, way more than in Europe, in my experience. And how many women are in their masculine, even though they might look very attire feminine, even the woman who look very sexy or the businesswoman. They have a lot of makeup and long hair and all the feminine tires, but they’re very goal oriented. So let’s surrender into the feminine. So what’s my bullet point and what’s the plan?
What’s the plan? First plan.
Let’s achieve it.
There’s no plan.
That’s the problem.
I know. That’s the problem. That’s the hard part about surrendering into the feminine. So just to break it down a little bit, when we say masculine and feminine, we’re not referring to masculine as in men and feminine as in women. We believe that there are masculine and feminine energies that we all carry as individuals, and we can tap into those.
Yeah. Anytime the people who come to our Tantra workshop have a whole range of how they express the masculine and feminine. Usually we start the workshop by saying nature is very sex oriented. If you look around trees, animals, they won’t exist without sex.
It’s a little secret. Everything is about sex and pick up on that before.
So in nature, there’s a lot of sexuality. Of course, that’s how we carry on the species. But true, it’s masculine energy and feminine energy. So there’s a lot of confusion or lack of education in the west, in America on what it is different countries. Like, if you go more like in Asia, the men can have very feminine manners, but they’re still very masculine, so it’s integrated differently. Why is it so elusive, right, for women to surrender into their feminine?
So I think this is literally one of the most juiciest subjects out there. And just sharing my personal experience definitely grew up in a household where everything was goaloriented achievement oriented. So I definitely primed for my masculine. So my masculine is great. I really didn’t have much feminine energy. My mother didn’t really embody the most feminine energy out there. And when I turned 17, I would say definitely became more interested in sex. And, like, okay, what does femininity mean to me? And I was looking at, like, Teen Vogue and all the magazines, and there’s these gorgeous women on there who are, like, super skinny. And so I’m like, okay, that must be what it means to be a woman that must be feminine. And so I dived into that for myself, and I didn’t get anywhere with it. It was very frustrating. Well, I look like a woman. Why do men not, like, faint at my feet? Like, what is going on here?
So there’s that aspect, and then how does it feel right when it comes to having orgasms?
Yeah. So tying that in with my sexual lifestyle experience started off, actually my first sexual experience, I was raped, and that definitely squashed any emerging femininity. I mean, sex is very traumatizing. And it became, okay, masculine, like, super masculine. And I became very goal oriented of, like, searching for the elusive orgasm, which is very telling of the femininity in me or what I was expressing at that point. Yeah. Just a little bit about my story. And I started to engage with sexual partners, and I was, like, craving an orgasm. Like, okay, like, this man and I, we have super juicy sex. There’s a really strong sexual connection. I really like this man. And when we get to the bedroom, though, we have great sex, but I never come. Why is that? And actually, this is when I started to look into Tantra, because I was in orgasmic with partners with male partners. Specifically, I could orgasm with a female partner, but not with a male. And I was like, okay, that’s different. Like, what’s going on here? And so I started to do some research on the Internet. Thank you, Google and came across, like, a tonsure website.
I think it was. I don’t even remember what it was, but basically I was searching, like, how to make sex, not about the orgasm. And that led me to Tantra because Tantra is all about the journey and not about the destination.
Excellent point. Yeah. One of the first things that we talk about when we talk about the tech stock in town trail is, all right, why do you want to come? Because when it comes to, we’re going to go back to specifically the feminine. But when we interact as a couple and when we have sex, whether it’s a woman with a woman or man with a man or men with a woman, it’s about the interaction. Right. So who’s the best person to make me come me surprise, not your partner. I know myself very well. So if I just need somebody to jerk me off, what does it say about the connection? The reverse of that is to focus not on the goal, not on the orgasm or not on what we think it’s supposed to look like, but to really focus on the connection. The connection. Like heart to heart and sex to sex and engage through our emotional centers and go slow and explore. And then just that is the rewards now focusing just on that. We get that first reward, and then we can be curious and surprised with whatever else comes after that.
And I want to say that the best sex that we have every time is when we go into timeless. One night we have a 14 month old kid, and it’s a lot harder to have sex with him around. So we have scheduled the babysitter. We had a couple of hours for ourselves, and then we started to have sex, and it was very frustrating. It didn’t happen.
Yeah. And I mean, I was definitely super attached to this outcome of like I mean, it was our anniversary night.
Right. It was our anniversary night. And the couple of times before were just amazing. We have reached, like, I don’t know, an experience, a sexual experience beyond what we could think imaginable. And so, like, going into our anniversary, we have to have everything.
The babysitter, super high expectations. We’re going to make love for hours, and it didn’t happen. And I was heartbroken, but it was a really good learning.
Exactly. And so just the thoughts, the focus, the intention of having any expectations or any goal or any the way it should look like, okay, we’re going to have six, 4 hours, and we’re going to have at least the same amount of pleasure orgasm than last time comparison right away. Then we were not focusing on the connection.
Yeah. We weren’t focusing on the connection.
It’s every time we have amazing sex is when we don’t know where it’s going.
And then we find new positions or new ways to kind of lock into each other that I don’t know if it’s fun, if it’s any book. We couldn’t have conceived it beforehand because it’s our energies playing together, coming together that create that. And so if it comes from the mind, it will not work. The mind is not the right tool for this.
Yeah. So bringing it back to the feminine and the masculine. Right. The mind is not going to help you surrender into your feminine.
And going back to a lot of women here in America, I find are in their masculine. And it’s because we live in a patriarchal society where really society requires most women to be in their masculine. You’re supposed to get the job. You’re supposed to blow everyone out of the water. You’re supposed to win all of your competitions. And it’s very goal oriented.
Very linear, and you need to look fashionable.
Oh, yeah. By the way, you need to look fucking great while you do it.
And you need to be a superstar mom.
Yeah. You need to have everything, and you need to do everything.
And the frustration is like, I’m doing everything. I’m there. I’m doing everything I’m supposed to do.
I’m checking the list. I have my little checklist out, and it’s all checked. Why am I not having these great, fantastic orgasms, like, full body orgasms, or why am I not perceived as feminine? Like, what’s going on there?
I’m doing everything that I’m supposed to do, and that’s a keyword that will kill any surrendering into the family opposite. So it’s this crazy thing. It’s like, how can I have that? I’m supposed to have that too. I’m supposed to have it. What should I do? What can I do?
What can I do? And this is the really hard part is my advice is don’t do anything. And obviously that sounds so much easier than it is.
So it’s the reverse. The polarity is like, well, okay, so I don’t do anything, and then they surrender.
But when we say surrender into the feminine, we do not mean disassociate or check out. We mean surrender, but stay present. And so this is really interesting when we get to the subject of sex, bringing it down to masculine and feminine. And the masculine is the giver, the initiator. And that doesn’t mean once again that the man is the giver, but the masculine energy is the giving energy. And so the masculine energy is the initiator. Maybe you’re coming up and you’re hugging your partner and you start initiating something beyond hugs and kisses. And it’s a very certain energy. And you know what energy I’m talking about? It’s very specific energy. And going into the feminine, the feminine’s job is to receive. And this is like receiving the special touch, the extra kisses. But this is the key part. You are still present during this interaction. And just to bring it back to my own personal experience for me because I had sexual trauma, remaining present was really hard.
Yeah. What do you do when you get trauma? You do your check out. Yeah.
So every time I went into a sexual space, it was like, okay, I’m disassociating and I’m just laying here and I’m not really present. I don’t really understand what presence means at this point in my life, but I’m here, but I’m not in my body. And someone I’ve had some great lovers, and they’re doing amazing things in my body, but I’m not in my body, so I’m not feeling it.
So to feel deeply, you have to focus on the feeling to focus on. Is it crafty? Is it fiery? Is it soft? Is it fast? Is it a bit overwhelming? Your breath? You really have to focus on your breath. In the book Journey Into intimacy and conscious communication. We’ve been talking a lot about conscious communication, but the part of intimacy is really important as well. The chapter that is one of the most important for that is active relaxation, presence, giving and receiving. And I think the keywords presence is very important. And active relaxation. What does that mean?
When you relax, you’re not supposed to be active. That’s counterintuitive. What are you talking about? But it’s true. To relax and to relax with presence, you do need to actively relax, because for the most part, our society isn’t geared towards rest or relaxation. So it might take your nervous system a couple of minutes to get into relaxation mode. And some tools that are extremely beneficial for this are breath sound and movement.
And if you take anything away from this podcast today about having better sex, it’s breath sound, movement.
So let’s take it to an extreme. And since we’re talking about the feminine energy for the woman, the extreme is birth.
Right. If you didn’t know, I’m also Adola. I am a birth worker, and that is my calling in this lifetime and my passion. And I actually just recently had a birth that I attended. And what’s really interesting is I would say when you first meet the client, you can tell how their birth is going to go based off of the way they present themselves.
So, yeah, describe that without describing the person. But it’s common traits.
Yeah. So there’s some common traits that kind of key you in. So the first thing I want to say is birth work is innately feminine because it is the most feminine you can get is pushing a baby out of your Yoni or growing a baby and having necessary that’s the most feminine thing you will ever do in your life. And why it’s so feminine is because you have to totally surrender to everything. But once again, surrender does not mean disassociate or not have presence.
So one of the topic that you are very keen about is having ecstatic birth, and that’s what you experienced for yourself.
Yeah. We’re going to get into that a little bit later.
But I just want to I just wanted to hint at it.
So we’re going to get to the ecstatic birth, which is like the optimum or the extreme of the feminine way to surrender and having even an orgasm while giving birth. But, yeah, we’re talking about the extreme of. Okay. How do you describe it?
When I meet a client, I can see if they’re in their masculine or if they’re in their feminine energy. And if someone’s in their masculine, they’re usually they have some bravado about the subject, some like metchis mole almost.
What did they say?
Like, very like, oh, I got this. I can do this. This is going to be a breeze, which, by the way, I’ve never met someone who has had a breeze in birth. I’ve heard some crazy birth stories about having a baby in like, an hour, but nobody would say that was easy.
That’s why they call it labor. But there’s just this outward appearance, maybe this overconfidence almost of just very linear energy. I’m struggling to find words to describe it. Can you help me out a little bit?
Yeah. Usually there’s a want to control or expectations. Like, I want my birth to be short or the baby needs to come on that day.
And it’s very commonly accepted with the mainstream society, that means it’s going to be scheduled.
That’s the whole thing about scheduling your induction.
Okay. Let’s have a baby on your time. Not on the baby’s time.
Right. On your time instead of the baby’s time. That’s a key thing for surrendering. Surrendering is not on your time. Surrendering is on the universe time.
And surrendering is also not your plan. I think this is so hard because with birth, you want to prepare everything. And I went through this experience of, like, down to the visualization of what it’s going to look like, who’s going to be there, what songs going to be playing as I push my baby out?
That’s the thing. And for me, it’s the same with the way I created in the universe. I have want and desires, and I can imagine having the song, can imagine having that time of the day, but then I’m not attached to it. I surrender to what’s showing up, and it’s about being flexible with what’s going up.
So it’s beautiful to have the intentions. And also, you just really can’t control what’s going to happen. And so this is where I see a lot of women struggling with birth is just the idea of not controlling. So that one, you have to surrender to your body, which for some women, this is a completely foreign idea. Also, within sex, you have to surrender to your body. You can’t control your body, you can’t control your orgasm. You can’t control anything. It’s all about the surrender. And the other thing that you’re doing is, like, breath sound, movement. Like, how are you coping with everything that’s happening?
So you have to surrender to your body.
Yeah, to surrender to the baby. Because once again, when you are giving birth, it’s not a one way street. There are two people involved in this, you and your baby. And so your baby has their own plan, their own idea. The baby is on baby’s time.
It’s usually minimized how much the baby actually is active during the birth because we go, oh, we need the breathing coach, because the coach is going to help me birth the baby because I’m birthing the baby. That is not true. The baby is actually active in that process of birth.
Yeah, the baby actually is helping you. You guys are a team working together to birth. If you want to think of it, the baby is birthing you as a Mama.
So you are birthing the baby, and the baby is birthing. You can’t have one without the other. You got to have them both working together.
So it’s starting with intention but not a plan, which is very different. Okay.
There’s not much planning. So when we see within birth work, when people are scheduling inductions, when they are forcing themselves to maybe go into labor, there is some questions that arise of like, okay, well, why are you doing this? What makes you feel uncomfortable? Or why are you pushing this so hard? And it’s often once you start asking certain questions, you start to see a pattern emerging of, I want to control the experience or I have a lot of anxiety. So there’s the control level. But once you go under that.
It’S really I have a lot of anxiety about this because control remember our previous podcast about communication? Control is an expression of anxiety. When people are controlling and they look very they have their sink together, they look assertive, they look like they know what they want because they organize and control everything. It’s an expression of anxiety.
Yeah. That is just a glimpse into birth work, which is ultimately the most feminine thing out there. And I think birth is just this beautiful, prime example of the feminine energy expressing itself.
Because you can’t really have a lot of masculine energy in birth, because that’s just not how it is. It’s not linear. It is very, like, spiral shape and circular. And like, for example, going into the birth that I experienced, it’s really funny because Olivier totally doubted me.
Yeah. Because you were having those signs. You were like, I got this. I was like, okay, well, let’s go to breathing class and see how you’re doing. No, I don’t need to.
He definitely was like, well, I’ll pay for us to go to a class and we can dive into it. I was like, Nah. Like, I got this. I can do it. It’s no big deal.
Which is exactly what you described before.
I was exhibiting portions of the masculine and going into my next birth. It’s funny. I will do things differently, but I think a lot of it was because I did have anxiety about the situation. Because you hear from everyone, birth is extremely painful. It’s going to be hard. And by the way, I was huge. I was pregnant. Our son was £10. 8oz, almost eleven pound baby. And I was huge. And all I could think about was like, oh, my God, I have to get this thing out of me now. Like, okay, we’ve been together for the past 40 weeks, but, oh, my God, now it has to come out. But this is me being in my mind. And so when the time came, I went into labor and the contractions are coming. And it was a really interesting experience to wrap my mind around because my mind wasn’t there it’s hard for me to wrap my mind around it because it was all my body. Yeah, it was my body doing the work. It was like, the experience is more getting my mind out of it.
How did you switch?
I remember when I switched this. So our midwife came really early in the morning, and I asked for a cervical check, and she checked me, and I was at 3 CM. And I was like, okay, something has to change here. Yeah. I really wanted to birth the baby at night, and it was like, 06:00 a.m.. So I was like, okay, I have a lot of hours to go. Just birthing at night felt really safe to me. And it was like that’s what my body wanted. I was like, how am I going to get from 06:00 A.m. To nighttime? And I was like, okay, something has to change. I cannot hold on to this experience, and I’m really going to have to relax. So the midwife left. She’s like, call me when you need me. And I got in the bathtub because my whole pregnancy, I was taking baths, and it was just really like my happy place and where I found the most relaxation. And getting into the warm water, I felt my nervous system like, okay. And I was like, okay, I can work with this. And I remember we had our friend who was acting as a duller, and she was like, do you want to watch a movie?
Like, let’s listen to music? And I was like, no, I don’t want to do anything.
That’s the thing, right? So that’s a very clear sign. Anything that involves the mind, I would take you out of the experience. It’s the same for sex.
Yes, exactly. It’s the same for sex. Anything that’s going to take you out of your body and bring you into your mind, you’re just like, throw it away. That’s not going to be helpful.
I remember this morning when you were like, wow, this is different. It’s coming for me. I started going into a timeless space. It felt like a mushroom journey. And the clock didn’t matter. Or we were checking it as a tool to have some to know where we’re going. But time didn’t matter. It could be three days. It didn’t matter any external, like paying bills or anything, like anything.
Like systemic outside of the primal human experience, that didn’t matter. So all that mattered was me and the tub and your breath.
You were breathing, so you were breathing very deeply.
Because that was the only way I could feel some sort of control. Yeah, this is a good example of breath work that we do in our Tantra workshop. It is primarily breathing through your mouth and you’re breathing faster, so it sounds like. And that’s good if you want to lose control. But in birth, you don’t want to lose control or you do want to lose control, but you want to lose control in a different way of controlling your body.
Well, the way I see it is not trying to control the body, but connecting with and to the body. And that’s why the breath is so important. So I’m focusing my attention on my breath being in my guts. I imagine it would be in your Yoni or your gender or your uterus. Like, you have to focus your breath. You have to focus not your mind, but your focus on your breath and your breath being connected to your guts, to your primal areas.
That was my next thing. The reason I was breathing so deeply is because I was visualizing breathing into my own. And this allowed me to relax when the contractions came. Sometimes as a birth worker, when you see a woman in labor and assign that she’s not coping well with the pain is you can tell that she’s kind of like pushing against the pain rather than accepting it.
Right. Merging and going with it and into it instead of pushing the baby or pushing the experience and pushing the baby out.
Yes. And then that’s a good tool to see, like, okay, where is this going? How is this birth going to play out? Will she need an epidural for pain management, or will she rock this on her own?
So breathing into your Yoni and surrendering to the pain.
But not disassociating it’s, staying present with what’s there, what’s alive. And it’s really interesting when I was getting further into the labor, so we stayed like that for a couple of hours. And finally it was during the wintertime, like, peak winter, like, the deepest, darkest part of winter. So the sun went down around 04:00 A.m., and I felt my body start to pick up, like, okay, show time. Things are going to progress here. And the contractions were right on top of each other, and it became this endless loop of pain. And this is where I had kicked everyone out of the bathroom except Olivier. And I was telling him, I don’t think I can do this. This is really intense. I just need five minutes of rest, and then we can do this. And what was really helpful was, Olivier, sharing, like, your body is not going to give you more than you can handle because your body needs you to be present and it needs you to be an active participant in this experience.
Yeah. Your body is not going to betray you.
If you find the timing, like, if you go at the bodies, the body is going fast, but it’s also going slow enough, so it’s not going to rip you. And if you reconnect with that, then you can ride the wave.
Yeah. It did work. And so also the reason why this felt so overwhelming was because I was starting to get into my mind of, okay, how much longer is this going to last?
There you go.
And so then time was introduced back into the equation, and this also goes for sex. How long is this going to last? Instead of just enjoying what’s actually happening or how long I want to feel this pleasure forever. So I’m calculating in my head, looking at my mental clock, like, how long have we been having sex? And really the key is getting out of the mind. And time is human.
It’s a concept.
It’s a concept. Our cat does not have any concept of time. He does whatever he wants.
Imagine that nature and the universe has survived, and animals have survived without the concept of time for millions of years. And we’re the 0.1% that humans that have that concept. What do you mean by that time? We will be lost. Every animal survives perfectly without the concept of time, because they go with that flow. They just go from one thing to the other, and they listen to themselves. They connected with themselves, so they know when to rest. They know when to get up. It’s not connected to a clock.
Yeah. Our cat does not have a schedule. He totally does. He comes in, he goes out, he takes a nap for a couple of hours. He rests when he needs it. He gets his food when he needs it, and he goes outside when he needs to. And none of that has anything to do with time. He doesn’t look at his clock and say, like, oh, it’s noon, I need to eat lunch.
So that’s the space you need to go into when it’s time to surrender into the feminine, either with sex or with birth.
Which is innately sex.
Yeah. And that’s why we practice in our Township workshop. We try to communicate that experience, and it’s practicing the giving and receiving. So when we make love, for example, it’s all mixed together. I’m giving, I’m receiving, she’s giving, she’s receiving. We switch all the time. But to understand the difference, it’s great to separate them, at least for a few times. For practice.
Just for practice.
How would it be to give knowing I’m not going to receive anything? How would it be to receive knowing I’m not going to give anything?
Yeah. I think the first time I heard of this practice, I was, like, super excited to dive into that because I had tied receiving into getting. And I think this is really a prominent idea. And mainstream culture is like, in order for you to receive, you must give me something. And that is like, literally capitalism. That’s the epitome of capitalism. And so capitalism does not work with sex. No surprise.
Not with birth either, except at the hospital. And then they rush everything, and therefore, it’s not on baby’s time, which is why there’s so much trauma in birth in the hospitals. It has its place. We’re not criticizing, and we’re not saying it should go away. It has its place, but it’s not the ideal.
Yeah. It’s not the ideal. And just from some experiences that I’ve had, like, it is rushed. You’re on your doctor’s time. The doctor is deciding, and your doctor might be a man, which is really funny to me.
Then you have a real male experience.
Masculine experience of a birth. All right, well, it’s been ten minutes, and the baby needs to be out now, and I don’t know.
And they go grab it.
That’s the thing in birth. It’s like this little tease.
Yeah. That was the most magical moment. That was the most magical moment about your birth. I want to say our birth.
First of all, you were so grounded on your feet. We had the idea of doing it in water, but then we didn’t have this. I mean, it didn’t happen.
And so you were.
Like, grounded with your feet in the ground and the baby’s head starts to Crown and then go back.
Yeah. And it’s almost like if you’re attached to an outcome of time, it can be very frustrating because the baby’s head, it’s like Peekaboo, go back in. And it feels like just the feeling of the baby in your vagina, of coming in and out. It feels like you’re taking two steps forward, three steps back, and it can be really frustrating if you’re attached to an outcome. And I think what’s really magical about the birth that we experienced was sure I had this vision in my head. I wanted a water birth. I wanted the tub. I wanted the fireplace in our living room going. I wanted gently beautiful choral music in the background. And let me tell you, I had none at all because, one, I couldn’t stand music because it took me out of the experience. Two, the baby came so fast that by the time we called the midwife, even when she got to our house, there wasn’t going to be enough time to set up the tub. So, sure, I had this expectation, but flexibility, I had to release it like, okay, this isn’t what this baby wants. That’s fine. It was what I wanted.
But once again, the baby and I are working together. And then there was no fireplace because the tub wasn’t set up. I ended up giving birth in our room, on our bed. Once again, this is the part of my birth that was orgasmic.
This was the juicy part. This is the reason why I will have more babies, to experience this feeling again. And it’s such a strange feeling to feel almost eleven pound baby coming into your vaginal canal through your cervix. And it feels like a bowling ball. It really feels like you’re pooping out a bowling ball. And at first, my body was pushing, but like me, Jordan was not working with my body. And so I had to wrap my mind around the sensation of my body pushing. And it was like some really quick learning that happened. And I had to learn how to feel it go into the feeling of, like, it’s not a comfortable feeling. It literally feels like you’re shitting out a bowling ball. And if you can just imagine that it can be really painful. And it was really painful because I was resisting it at first. And so we did take a video of the birth. And if you look at I think there’s, like, a two minute clip, right when I started pushing, and I was like, oh, my God. Oh, my God. This is crazy. Like, I don’t know. Come on, guys.
And then I was like, okay, that was my mind speaking.
And then so that passed. I let it have its moment, and then that passed, and we went into this timeless pushing zone. And for me, that was the orgasmic part. And to just feel like my Crown was so open and to feel the contraction and then push it out through my own was very pleasurable. It was a very pleasurable experience, but only after I surrendered into the feeling.
And it was going very slowly. It took whatever time it took. It took two or 3 hours.
It took 2 hours, 2 hours.
And you said afterwards that it felt like five minutes.
I literally thought I pushed for ten minutes until the midwife was like, no, that lasted 2 hours. And it’s like, oh.
My God, what clearly timeless space right there. And, I mean, supporting you and being ready to catch the baby, I really saw how it was slowly pushing the tissues so that they had the time to expand and going and then retracting and going so slowly easing into this huge transformation.
Yeah. I mean, just to relate that to sex, if you’re having sex with a man and he just jams his clock inside of you, that’s going to be one painful too traumatic. I know, because it’s happened to me. And you have to go slowly. You have to go centimeter by centimeter. And as a woman with a vagina, you have to relax your vagina, and so you can accept the offering. So to say.
The slower we go, then we can also go into intensity. But we don’t start with intensity because that reduces the range. So we start with very slow, timeless, slow. Lots of deep breaths.
Lots of breathing through a mouth.
And you know this little trick or saying that your mouth is connected to your pelvic floor. So if you’re tense in your mouth, probably you’re tense in your pelvic floor. If you’re tense in your pelvic floor, you’re not going to sense much. So in order to feel more, you need to relax your pelvic floor, which a good trick is to relax your mouth, let it fall, breathe freely, breathe deeply, and go into that timeless creativity. So it’s an exploration. It’s creativity, and it needs to be very slow. And all you have to do is focus on slowness and not giving any time frame, because at some point, the energy will want to ramp up by itself and contradict it. So just waiting or being attentive or focused, vigilant active. Yeah, exactly. Refocus on the sensations and witnessing more than doing. Witnessing more than doing and witnessing actively. At some point, it will shift and become more primal or more active. And now that active part is not mechanical. It’s not the way it’s supposed to look like on porn or whatever your reference might have been. Okay. This is how sex is supposed to look like.
It’s the energy that’s creating the connection, that grows, the sexual interaction. And maybe it goes faster. And often men have issues with that. I don’t want to come too fast, or if it’s too much friction, then I’m going to get numb or I’m going to come too fast. But if you take the time for this energy to build by itself, then the intensity will not make you come. And the intensity for the woman will go into more surrendering, more active. Maybe you start with surrendering with not much movement, but then you can be more in movement, which doesn’t mean you’re active in your movement. You’re letting energy move you, and it can be primal, it can be active, it can be standing.
Yeah. I think of it as like active relaxation. The visualization that I get is the keyhole. And once you get through the keyhole, and then it’s like on the other side, there’s a whole new world and you can do so many things in that, like so much fun, juicy sexual exploration. And it all comes, though, through the keyhole. If you think of it as like, you’re putting the key in the keyhole, turning the key, and you’re actively relaxing, you’re surrendering. And not just in the sense of the female is surrendering, but the male also has to tap into their feminine energy and surrender as well.
So, you know, the Ying Yang sign, there’s the masculine energy and the feminine energy. But in the masculine, there’s a dot of feminine energy. In the feminine energy, there’s a dot of masculine energy. So for the feminine, the feminine energy is surrendering, but the dots is active. Focus on how does it feel? Okay. And for the masculine is okay. I’m initiating. I’m actively offering things, but if I’m not in tune or tapped into how it’s received, then I’m going to be forceful and it’s not going to work.
And I think this is why at the beginning, we did kind of start expressing how you shared. In America, there seems to be a lot more sexual trauma than in Europe. And I think that’s a huge component is that subscribing to heteronormative things. The mail has not been taught presents.
Yeah, it requires a lot of presence.
It requires a lot of presence. In checking in with your partner, like, okay, how does this feel? Do you like this? Do you not like this. And because of porn and the lack of sexual education in America, a lot of men just like blow through this and it’s because of programming and there’s just no sexual education.
Sex. It’s not supposed to be mechanical.
And unfortunately, the way it is portrayed out there is very mechanical. And so, yeah. One of the major practices of soundtrack is to dissolve anything mechanical and go into okay. What’s new, what wants to arise? What’s different than last time? And this is where we find new ways for sexual pleasure. It’s not from a book. It’s not something that we plan. It’s like our bodies click together in a way that we didn’t imagine because we’re on the other side of the keyhole. So we don’t focus on how it’s going to look like or a specific way. We focus on just like attuning to each other, going with each other with the flow. And at some point, if we can let go of the mind, it clicks into this and then the energy, the bodies kind of take over.
Yeah. And I mean, same thing with birth. Exactly. It’s literally the same thing. Like the baby is working with you, you’re working with the baby and the baby is trying to find the best path to come out of your uterus into your vaginal canal. And you’re like moving your hips and you’re also trying to help the baby get into your vaginal canal through your pelvis. And like because of surrendering into the feminine. Because I attuned to what was going on inside of me and got out of my mind, I was able to have an orgasmic birth and I totally blew your expectations out of the water.
To touch on trauma during birth and during sex. Having a baby is like the most profound initiation for a woman. It’s sad that men don’t have that kind of initiation anymore, but for a woman, it’s truly an initiation. And part of initiation means you might die. A true initiation is not something you go through and you know you’re going to be fine to find your power. And it’s the same for the heroes journey in every movie stars or whatever, avatar, they are going to die. And when they are at the last of their resorts, they find a new way. That’s what an initiation is. So birthing is an initiation for women. So if we use a lot of pain, cares and all that, that steals the experience out of the initiation because you have to go through your own experience and the body will give you the power to go through. And it’s the same for sex. My partner in France, Bagvati Tantra, teacher. We were together for twelve years. She was great at healing body. She was a dancer, professional dancer, and she would teach a class and somebody would fall on their waist or twist their ankle, whatever.
She would come with her hands and she would heal them, but the way she would heal them, she would go, okay, it’s going to hurt because we have to go back through the pain. It’s like a nut. A nut happens in order to untie it and restore flow, we have to go back into the nut. And when you cringe your face like that for 30 minutes, the moment you relax, it’s going to hurt. And it’s not because relaxing hurts. It’s because it’s been tense.
So relaxing tension hurts. Relaxing trauma hurts. So people go like, oh, I don’t want to touch it. Oh, I don’t want to feel pain. But you have to go. It’s not going to be as painful as the trauma, but you have to go through that pain to untie the knots and really see it, dissolve it and restore flow. Okay. So that’s why what I witnessed with you, and you’re going to tell us right now if it’s true or not. Like you had sexual trauma before. You mention the rape. And the way to release that trauma is to go slowly back into the knot. And this time, instead of dissociating, bringing presence and connection to your body and then find a way for it to release it.
Yeah. And so actually, I want to touch on this. I don’t know if I’ve actually shared this experience with you, but when the contractions, it’s called transition. When you’re dilating from eight to 10 CM, and it’s like the most intense part of labor, a lot of women say they can’t do it during this time. It’s like very intense. Contractions are right on top of each other. Like, there’s no break. And I just remember, like, having this experience of, like, I’m releasing all of my sexual trauma right now.
You did it on purpose. Wow.
Yeah. Cool. Because it felt so painful. I can’t even explain how painful it was. And my body felt like it was grieving. It felt like it was grieving. And I was able to release a lot of sexual trauma during that time. And it was like this weird. Like, I didn’t think I was going to have that from birth. I didn’t know what to expect, except it’s super painful, and you’re going to end up with a baby at the end of it. And I was able to like, yeah, it was just a crazy experience. And my mind felt like because it was so painful, I needed to release other painful times in my life. And one of that was severe sexual trauma. And I remember I was, like, crying because it was painful, and I was just, like, releasing years of sexual trauma. And it’s crazy because before having Cedar, we always use lube. Myoni just would not produce a lot of juices. And after having a baby, we have not used lube once.
Except for anal sex. But that’s something entirely different.
But saying that’s a lot of surrendering.
But also, it’s the same thing. I have a new Yoni. And I have a new understanding of life and surrendering into the feminine. And I really believe that my way is a good way to do it. I truly believe that. And I really witnessed a really traumatizing birth a couple of days ago. And what came through for me was that I need to create a course on how to do this because it’s not last minute.
Like our midwife said, birth is 90% mental. Everybody says it’s 90% physical. That’s why the doctors. No, they come in when the mental has failed. Okay. So you can prepare and be in the right mental state and paradigm.
Yeah. And that has to start the second you find out you’re pregnant, because your pregnancy goes by so quickly. And there are so many other external things to focus on. And unfortunately, a lot of women don’t start thinking about the birth until they’re about like six weeks out from giving birth. And honestly, by then, it’s probably too late. And it’s not too late in the sense of like, you can’t do it. It’s just there’s so much to understand and grasp. And it takes a lot of practice.
And you can practice to let go of the mind.
Yes. And you can’t expect yourself to be able to do it the second you give birth.
Except I did. Maybe I’m just.
No, but you have a long.
No, I had a long practice history of breath work, yoga, embodiment. I mean, doing pull is extremely painful and turning pain into pleasure.
So when we say it’s 90% mental, it’s not mind, it’s a mindset. So you can trust your body. If you just check out, your body is not going to function properly either. So it’s a focus to let your body do the thing.
And I mean, all of this is extremely applicable to sex.
You have to be present. Yeah. We took an extreme story for fun because. Why not? But all of this is applicable to sex. And, you know, if you feel if you’re pregnant and you’re listening to this and you’re curious about my offering, please reach out. Yeah. I really want to create a course now, and this has given me some new direction.
Please. This is needed.
Yeah. I mean, that’s what was really revealed to me was like, this is valuable knowledge to pass on to others, and I truly believe in it and I embody it.
I would say I’m an expert.
Yeah. And so it’s the same. So the topic was relaxing into the feminine. That’s why we talked also about birth. But when it comes to sex, it’s really the practice of this giving and receiving and focusing your breath, your sound, so that the body acts and trusting that. And we don’t trust that in the west. But trusting that with your guts is what’s going to make all the difference. Yeah. All right.
All right, guys, I hope you all enjoyed this podcast was a little bit different than the communication aspect but we’re all about intimacy communication all of that. So if you found this helpful, please give us a five star rating. Better yet, leave us a review. You can find all of our podcasts on our website relationshipalkemy.com you can just go to the podcast tab everything is under there and by the way, Olivier wrote a book and if you’re curious about the book that he wrote, it’s also on relationship alchemy you can buy the book I think it’s like $19. It’s $19 it’ll be the best book you ever buy and yeah, that’s all we have to say on that.
Thank you for listening.
Thank you for listening.
See you next time.
See you next time. Bye.