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The Secret Message Our Triggers Have For Us

    Nobody likes to be triggered. Most people run away from them, or blame others for their triggers.

    Yet, there’s a deeper truth about our triggers. You can get triggered at work, in your intimate relationship, or with family members.

    When you feel triggered, do you feel disconnected, hopeless, angry or resentful?

    There is an alternative. Triggers can be a chance to learn about ourselves and each other, lean in, and feel more connected!

    In this episode, discover a simple method that you can learn to do just that.

    Our free handout is available for download here as you listen in: https://relationshipalkemy.com/free-downloads/

    Audio Version

    Video Version

    Hi. Welcome back to our podcast RelationshipAlkemy. I’m Jordan Bessaignet.

    And I’m Olivier Bessaignet.

    And today we have a great podcast plan. And if you’re watching our YouTube to video, you can see our little banner. But basically what’s our podcast going to be about today.

    The secret message our triggers have for us.

    Like what secret message?

    What who wants to investigate triggers anyway? Let’s run away from them. Usually triggers are uncomfortable. So how’s how can they be beneficial for us? A secrets message.

    Yeah. So I think before we go into the content that we have planned today, can you answer a question for me?

    Sure.

    What is a trigger?

    What is a trigger? Yeah, it’s an uncomfortable feeling that well, you know, we have a list. So if we go into our list of feelings when I’m not satisfied, that is part of our handouts. Yeah. It’s when you’re feeling overwhelmed, disconnected mostly from the person that’s involved, maybe angry, furious, pain. Yeah. Horrified, hostile or protected. I mean, yeah, you’re feeling really disconnected from that person who’s activating that trigger in you.

    So would you say like a trigger is usually due to some sort of trauma or like a past event that’s occurred to you and maybe you meet someone and then they kind of like activate that little piece?

    Well, it could be if somebody is crushing their current or yours, that’s no past drama. That’s actually an action. It’s happening in real time. So I can feel terrified or angry that somebody’s destroying my properties, things that I care about for work or whatever. It’s like that really sucks. But if we relook at it, if it’s like a mundane charge trigger, it might be about the other person, but it’s probably deeper than that. And that’s what we’re going to look at today. There are a couple of things that can happen.

    Okay.

    If somebody is seeing a couple of keywords, that might be normal to them, but to me, it reminds me of my grandmother, my father, then it can trigger this triggered response that has nothing to do with the person.

    Right.

    Or it could be because of my values. So if I have certain values and like I have a value for equality and fairness and somebody is trying to get their way, then it activates my value and I get triggered.

    Right.

    So we already answered that’s going to be the secret message I’ll figure out for us, but we’re going to unpack it. So you really understand it.

    We also have a free handout on this. If you go to our free handouts page, free downloads page on Relationship Alchemy.com, and you can follow along with us, but just to let you know, that’s where we’re going off today.

    And also, the book is now available and the book is like a whole collection of handouts.

    By the way, Olivier wrote a book.

    So you can download the handout separately or you can get 130 pages of handouts with detailed explanations.

    Yes. All right. So the secret message that our triggers have for us.

    So going back to this handout, the first thing that I want to point out is that a lot of people come to our class or our private sessions, like couples, come and say, I really want to improve my communication. We are not communicating well together. Let’s learn how to communicate better. But truth is our communication comes from our inner disposition and inner dialogue, which means that if I’m angry about this person, it’s going to be hard to be nice or if I have judgments about this person because I judge them to be responsible or to be manipulative, it’s going to be hard for me to stay open and understanding, like trying to understand them because I’m going to be defensive, most likely. So your communication will come from your inner disposition, either open and understanding or polarized in enemy image. Does that make sense?

    Yeah, makes a lot of sense. Yeah. This kind of ties back into basically the whole theme of everything that we share is this underlying message of what’s happening inside your brain going back to the cave and the little drops that drip from the cave. And what are those little drops saying? Are we understanding and open, or are we into polarization, enemy image? Yeah, we’ve shared before. It is a whole paradigm shift.

    It is a paradigm shift. And it might be in subtle things, but those subtle things make a huge difference.

    Yeah. So speaking of subtle things, let’s go into the example that we planned for today. Sure. Some real life integration stuff.

    Right. So how do we stay in openness and understanding and how do we make sure we don’t slide into polarization and enemy image? All right, let’s try it.

    Go for it. All right. So just to give a little bit of background information, most of our listeners know that we have a toddler now, and Cedar loves to play with blocks. He has a bunch of wooden blocks that his grandparents sent him, and he just started stacking them. But he’s mostly into destroying, making big messes.

    And not just with the blocks. He loves going into cupboards and getting all the frying pants down and opening the freezer and getting everything out and opening closed drawers and getting old clothes on the ground. This is lovely and fun. Such a fun age.

    But please continue. But it is tiring being his mom and having to clean up after him. Yeah. I find myself cleaning up after him multiple times a day. We do have the freedom of being able to keep him at home with us. And so we have to feed him breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks. And we got to wash his high chair off, and then we got to clean his bid, and we got to wipe his face. And then, by the way, it’s time to change his diaper. And by the way. All the blocks that I just put away, he took them back out.

    So, yeah. How do you feel about that?

    I feel slightly triggered, and I feel like there’s a lot of layers to this trigger because Cedar is just one layer, and I’m really happy to care for him. He is my child, and I understand that this is just the phase that we’re in right now, and that’s all fine and dandy, but here’s the but, yeah. We also have a housemate, and there’s you, and then there’s me. So it gets dirty or messy pretty quickly. We try to do our best to clean every couple of weeks.

    How do you feel about that?

    Ideally, I would love to clean once a week, but the only day we have open right now for cleaning is Sunday, and that happens to be our family day. And so Sunday comes, and I’m like, damn, I don’t want to clean. I just want to hang out with my husband and my baby.

    Difficult choices, values which value is going to win cleaner or hanging out? Family time.

    Family time. Yeah. So I do feel triggered when I come out to the kitchen and I had maybe cleaned it for lunch and swept, and I come out, and then someone has come back from the grocery store, and there’s a box or there’s, like, little crumbs on the counter or dishes on the sink, or I go into the bathroom and there’s, like, shaved hairs in the sink or hair in the drain or something. I’m like, I feel so triggered.

    Yeah. Okay. Now we understand better how you feel about it, but what does it mean to you that it’s triggering it this way?

    Yeah. So I think this is the real.

    Right.

    This is the real crux of the trigger, because already picking up after Cedar. I am Cedar’s mom. I’m picking up after him. But then when I start picking up after other people, I also get this feeling of like, well, I’m picking up after my toddler. Am I picking up after other people in the house who are autonomous adults?

    Right.

    Like, this feels weird.

    So it means that you’re mom two adults.

    Yes. And then that’s when I get triggered, because I don’t want to be anyone’s mom except Cedar’s mom.

    Makes sense.

    And maybe a couple more babies.

    But you don’t want to be a mom to adults even like they’re older than you?

    Actually, yeah. Cedar is the youngest in the house, and then I’m the second youngest in the house.

    Right. The roommate. So you don’t want to be a mom too older than you?

    No, definitely. I know some women fall into that. I don’t even know what it’s called, that pitfall system. Some women love to mother other people, and it’s, like, attached to their identity, and it’s the whole thing. I do not want to mother anyone except for my child.

    But what’s interesting is that picking up stuff after other people. It could mean many different things. Yeah. But to you specifically, it means that you are in a mouse role.

    Yes.

    Okay.

    And I think that’s even more. Like I said, there’s a lot of layers to this. And I think I also have certain beliefs about what a messy house means.

    What does it mean to have it?

    Why am I triggered in the first place about having a messy house? And my grandma always said cleanliness is next to Godliness.

    That’s a heavy one. Which means if the house is not clean.

    Then you’re going to go to hell. You’re just going straight to hell if your house is a clean. And growing up, both of my parents are pretty anal about cleanliness. It was a really strong value in our house every weekend. We weren’t allowed to do anything fun until our chores were done Saturday morning.

    Like just half an hour.

    No, just not half an hour. This is the part that’s so funny to me because when we do chores in our house, it’s like an hour Max, like chores. In my parents’house, it was like my parents would blast the stereo in the house at 07:00 A.m. On a Saturday if we didn’t have sports practice. And oh my gosh, there’d be music blasting and I’d be a teenager. Like, I just want to sleep. It’d usually be like some soul music or something. I have fond memories of it and also like, oh, my God, yeah.

    It sounds like also a family activity, like everybody else on board. So it’s a way to do something as a family. But that might not be the best idea of fancy.

    Yes. And yeah. Cleaning on Saturdays involved probably about like four or 5 hours. It was, you know, I’m cleaning my room, doing my laundry, starting my laundry, I’m cleaning my bathroom, maybe my parents bathroom. My mom would wake up and we’d go out to the table and there’d be a list for each of us. My sister and I very organized. Super organized. And on that list, there was your list of chores for the day. And sometimes that includes cleaning the ceiling fans or washing walls was really frequent in our house or like, dusting the wood and then polishing it, like lots and lots of cleaning.

    Yeah. Thank you for being so thorough. And I think that’s an amazing conversation to have in a relationship. It’s to know what it means. There are implied social conventions saying like, well, everybody knows that you should XYZ. And I don’t know, I’m from France. I don’t have the same XYZ in Americans.

    Yeah. I think a good example of this is I like to clean before we have parties. Right. Because I’m coming from.

    That’s a good one.

    I’m coming from this belief of the whole house is supposed to be clean to impress other people how clean your house is, which means you’re going to heaven and not to hell yeah.

    It makes sense when you say it. And so you’re probably right, but let me try it. So what kind of crazy idea is it to spend 2 hours cleaning a house knowing that when people come through in half an hour, it’s a huge mess? So I would logically clean the house after they’re gone so we can enjoy it for the rest of the week. Am I right? Who’s right? Who’s right?

    There’s definitely not a right or wrong. But if there was exactly I would be right.

    It’s great to make it fun.

    Yeah, definitely.

    Because we come from a mindset of openness and understanding. Let’s try to polarize people who don’t clean. So generalization people who don’t clean the house before guests arrive.

    Yeah. This is like my childhood. My parents ingraining this belief system into me that people that have messy houses don’t care about themselves.

    Poor self esteem. Poor self esteem and respect for others.

    Yeah. Or not even respect for others, but respect for themselves. Because I was taught, like, your home is your sanctuary, your home is your temple. And this is supposed to be like a Holy place. This is like where you lay your head at night. This is where we have sex and this is where we live our life. And this aspect of spirituality of like, this is our temple. So that’s what I was taught. So I did have beliefs growing up. Like, my family would go to someone’s house and if it wasn’t clean, my parents were definitely mentioning it in the car on the way back home.

    Judgment.

    By the way, that person is probably going to hell. Like, for other reasons.

    For other reasons. Okay.

    The cleanliness is just a reflection. The lack of cleanliness is just a reflection of who they are.

    What’s wrong with them.

    And what’s wrong with who they are.

    Yeah. What’s wrong with who they are?

    Yes. Ouch. So when I come you’ve been judged.

    Yes. Go ahead.

    I want to stand. You’ve been judged. So when I come home, I come home and I look at our house and I’m not saying we’re not dirty or messy all the time. Certain times I walk in the house, I’m like, Holy fuck, it looks like a bomb has gone off in our house. And the crazy thing is, no one else is noticing it. It’s just me.

    We must live in parallel dimension.

    Yes. Because there’s like utter chaos. There’s blocks everywhere.

    Let me point out how much we live in different dimensions.

    Yes.

    Because when you go into the bathroom and you look around the bathroom, you see how many facial hair there are. And when I walk into the bathroom, which is a totally parallel universe, I don’t see any of those. But I see a lot of long, black, thick, curly hairs which you don’t seem to register.

    I definitely register that. That’s why we have a hair catcher, right?

    No, I meant exactly.

    It’s just men’s facial hair.

    Yeah. I’m tempted to go into Polarization and take some pictures to show in your face next time. So I hope you guys enjoy an old couple night. I make. Yeah. But what I really learned about you is that where it all comes from and what it all means. And also, you said something before that you didn’t say it today, but that the house is a reflection of who you are and that to go into creativity mode or work mode or knowing what you want for yourself, it’s important for you to first have an environment where you feel comfortable.

    Yeah. I guess. I have this belief that having a clean home allows for the energy to flow more. And if the house is messy, that means my mind is messy.

    Right.

    And I can’t think, I can’t really organize it. And so before I’ll even do anything, before I can even get into that creativity mode, I need to clean the house.

    Yeah. Okay. Makes sense. So coming from a mindset of understanding, I understand now how you feel when you see those things. How you feel. Because what it means. Right. When you see those things, it means something. It’s pointed out on the handouts. What does it mean? What does it mean to have hair in the sink? What does it mean to have the blocks around? What does it mean to have crumbles in the kitchen, on the kitchen counters? What does it mean to have grease on the stove? It means that this is not cleaning s, which is far from garminess. I’m not going to repeat everything you said I would, but you guys heard it, so I don’t need to repeat it in this instance. And either I could stay in Polarization and judge you for your fucked up Catholic upbringing, being very French. So I could polarize. I could polarize and say, well, you’re still a victim of you’re not thinking for yourself. It’s like your parents are still dictating who you are, and I think that’s weak. I could say all that.

    He could say that, and then he’s sleeping downstairs. All right, well, now we need to get a divorce.

    Right. Did you feel judged?

    Yeah.

    For things that matter to you.

    Yes.

    So we really recommend and we hope to model that polarization and judgment are toxic in relationship and creates disconnection.

    Yes.

    Now understanding creates connection. So what does it mean? Right. If I can understand what it means to her, then I can have empathy and say, oh, I understand what it is like that for you. Now, I have a very radically different upbringing.

    Yes.

    Not only being French, but my mother hates cleaning, and my childhood was having Legos on the ground. The desk will be full with model airplanes, model boats, pirate boats. So it would be a reflection of my creativity. Right. Everything that you would see around would be all spread around, but will be a reflection of my little projects, my creativity, my dreams, what I’m excited about. So when I see Cedar spreading out everything, like, wow, he’s so creative. What a genius. I’m not like, he’s making a mess in my heart. Like, oh, he’s like me.

    Let’s stifle the creativity of the beliefs of the Catholic Church when you get it out of him.

    So seeing the same picture, like, the camera would see the same thing. We see the blocks on the floor or the crumbles in the kitchen, and the camera would see the same thing. But we live in different parts. We’re joking about it, but we do live in everybody lives in their world.

    Yes. Because of the lenses that we’ve been given through our upbringing about the different values that we have.

    Exactly.

    There’s so much that goes into why we think the way we think. And it’s so fascinating to me. I remember the first time you shared that with me that you see it as like, wow, people are really creative in this house.

    Right?

    I was so mind blown. Like, what? Okay, I can see that. Like, I can understand that. And honestly, that belief system has a way better impact on my nervous system than cleanliness is next to Godliness.

    Well, everybody made their own choices. We’re living in the same space, so we have to understand each other’s world so that they own conflicts. And I don’t need the house to be a reflection of me because the house is not a reflection of me. Like, my book is a reflection of me. This podcast is a reflection of me. The handout is a reflection of me. So my creativity is a reflection of me, not the house. So when I wake up in the morning, or I would say, when Cedar wakes up in the morning at 07:00 a.m. 06:00 a.m. Today, for the ten minutes or 20 minutes that I lay down in my beds, my creativity clicks in. And I’m like, today, what am I excited about? So I’m excited the little characters that are on the book and creating a video out of that or adding a chapter or something to the handout or whatever, our next talk is going to be on the next class. So my query is already kicking in. I haven’t even looked at the space, the room, the house. The house is not giving me any input on what I want to create.

    So basically, I can get up and whatever the state of the house. I can walk to my office on my phone, sometimes laying down on my phone while sitting, snapping, or sleeping. I’m creating new things on my phone without any need of the outside to give me clues or to inspire me to do anything. So we come from radically different backgrounds, which means we have a huge difference. Like a huge gap.

    Yes. And I mean, I’m sure there’s probably some analysis of why you’re that way. And why I’m this way. Yeah. I almost feel jealous that you can just wake up and creativity pours out from you, because I do take a lot of inspiration from my surroundings. If we were to go to a beautiful beach in Mexico, I would probably feel so juicy, so creative. Like, okay, I need to start writing right now. We’re like, wow, I had all these ideas come through. Like, bang them out real quick. And like, yeah, that’s such a different state of being than what your state of being of like, yeah, I wake up and I already have the vision in my head.

    Yeah. And so that’s us separately. And as we come together, we all have only 24 hours in a day. And so we have to make choices, and we have different priorities. So how do we prioritize things now that we live together? And so we’ve been saying, okay, let’s clean on Sundays. But then on Sundays, we want to enjoy each other and hang out.

    Go for bakery, have, like, a slow morning.

    And then here we are on Monday morning, and we haven’t cleaned the house. And you’re freaking out because you’re like, well, the house needs to be clean. Otherwise I can’t operate. And I’m like, this is Monday morning, which means I’m back to work, because I’m back to creativity, which is my priority number one. So we have this conflict on Monday that she wants to clean. And I’m like, you should work.

    Yeah, I’m working. I’m like, perfect. Family day is over. It’s Monday. Let’s start off the week with a good old family cleaning get us in the right mindset. We’re going to go into this week together. I think a lot of that does come from these almost precious memories of cleaning being a family event. The music would be playing super loud and everyone would be cleaning. And then it felt like we were together even though we were doing something separately.

    Yeah. And this is where the conflict can come in, because on Monday, my cleaning comes secondary creativity work and creating the life that I want, which is us having the time to do those teachings and create workshops and stuff is top priority. And then who’s going to have to clean you by yourself?

    Yeah. And then I’m cleaning by myself.

    And then you’re like, I’m the only one cleaning. And then resentment can come in after a few weeks.

    After a couple of months. All right, guys, there is an obvious need that we need to get on the same page, right. Whatever that is.

    Yeah, exactly. But just for trying to model the process, so far, we haven’t decided on any strategies to resolve this issue. We’ve only focused on understanding each other and to understand each other. What does it mean, this picture that we see, what does it mean? So to you, it means something. To me, it means something different. The Sunday dynamic and the Monday dynamic means something to you, to me means something different. So either we stay in this polarized mindset because my reality is right and she’s wrong or vice versa. Yeah. My points are better than yours. We can stay polarized and go at each other trying to prove that our priority is better than your priority. Yeah, my priority should be our top priority. So I’m going to force or manipulate her into my top priority and vice versa. So we’re going to unconsciously create a power struggle right there.

    Yeah, right.

    And that creates only disconnection. So being curious on realizing what does it mean is the biggest question. So that we can uncover those juicy secret messages of our values.

    Right. And that’s really the secret message here from both of us, sharing our belief system or the lens that we were given. What it really points to is our values. Because for me, it shows, okay, I have a value for cleanliness. And what I heard from you is you have a value for creativity and not that you don’t have a value for cleanliness.

    Exactly. But it comes second.

    But creativity trumps cleanliness because creativity is how we pay our bills and creativity gives us purpose in our life.

    It’s either I create my life by creating the things I feel purposeful about or I’m going to need to get a job at a company that I don’t necessarily like at a job. And my days are going to be filled up with things that I don’t like.

    Yeah, definitely.

    So that’s my top priority. And yours is like, you need the environment to fill into what you can create so it’s like cleaner, then I can be creative. For me, I’m creative and clean, as will come second. So they are both important to both of us.

    What do we do? What do we do? We have such different values.

    Yeah. So the thing is that strategies, right. It comes down to strategies. If we don’t do this work of understanding what it means to the other and to ourselves, then I’m going to force my priority onto the relationship through strategies, not even knowing what it is. It’s like, I’m tired of your XYZ and I’m going to be judgemental. What we need to do is and I’m going to enforce the strategy or vice versa. And the other one is going to be resentful and going to try to manipulate, guilt trip or force push, pull their strategy into the relationship. But if we understand each other, maybe we can find a strategy that is a win win.

    And I think just understanding each other’s values already create so much connection. Yeah, so much connection. Because I can understand value and creativity. I really value creativity as well. Just like you’re saying, for me, the creativity flows through cleanliness. So I can totally understand you and you can totally understand me. You value creativity and you’re like, all right, we want an environment where we feel creative or if this is what helps your creativity, please let’s foster more cleanliness.

    And I come from a mindset that I really don’t care about what other people think. If they don’t like he’s very French. The way the house is, it’s like their problem. Yeah. But I can understand that it creates better connections, and I can understand that value. And so from this understanding, what we can do is, okay, now I understand what you need. I can get a bit out of my way. And like, you were requesting that the floor would be swept more often. I can do that. I might have my own ideas about cleaning before a party, but I do understand why, so I will do it.

    Yeah.

    And so I hope that when Monday morning comes, you don’t expect me to be with the room in my hand. So we’re going to have to adjust. And some of the Saturday or the Sunday morning needs to go into cleanness so that we can also enjoy our connection together and have your needs as well.

    Yeah. I feel so understood, and I feel connected to you, baby.

    Yeah. And like you witnessed, we can have humor.

    Yeah. We’ve also got into a really good space with understanding each other. And something I really value about you and about our housemate, too is we seem to be able to get through triggers pretty quickly. We do have the understanding of the belief systems or our values, and now we can be super triggered, and we have we have been super triggered and our housemate, and we’re able to sit down and have these conversations, and instead of it blowing up into this huge thing, which we’ve also gone through early on in our relationship, before we really were able to get through this new place, each trigger was like a bomb. Yeah. And it would mean disconnection. It would be excruciating. It would be so hard to just go into these conversations, and now we can have a conversation and move on rather quickly.

    Yeah. Like, the two keys are self reflection. That’s for self and then curiosity about the other. And also a third key is that I’m not responsible for you and you’re not responsible for me, which means if you have a value for cleanliness, then it’s your job to do it. Like, make it happen. My biggest value is having a solid breakfast. And so I get up in the morning and I create a solid breakfast, and whoever wants to join me, I’m not laying down in the bed saying, baby, you need to make breakfast. I’m so tired of you not making breakfast because it’s not her value. It’s my value. So I’m responsible for it. Right. So I’m responsible for my values, and she’s responsible for her values, which means if she sees, like, the house is not the way she wants, then it’s her responsibility. But we’re also partners, which means we work together so we live together.

    We share a household together, we co parent our son together.

    So cleaning this is important for you. How can I do a little more? And you were like, well, sweep every day. Like, I can’t do that.

    Yeah. I think this is a beautiful example of negotiating.

    Right.

    So when we originally had this conversation, Olivier offered, like, okay, well, I can sweep three times a day. How does that sound? I was like, well, I’d prefer it if you were able to sweep every day.

    That’s not the way I remember. The way I remember is, like you were saying, like, the floor needs to be swept every day. And I was like, I can do three times a week, Max.

    Yeah. But then I think I said something about, like, oh, I’d prefer it if you slept every day and you’re like, well, that’s not going to happen.

    Yeah.

    Three times a week, then.

    Because since I’m responsible for breakfast, that means I get up earlier, I get the baby ready, I Cook the breakfast, I get the baby fed, et cetera. Which may be for you. So I actually don’t know. It might be mildly important if it happens, great. If it doesn’t happen, whatever. What’s important to you is that the floor is clean. We both have our lands.

    Yeah.

    And so I might be working a lot. It might not mean much to her. She sees what she sees. And same for me. So knowing that, I understand that she sees the floor being dirty. But for me, I’ve done so much already that I can only do so much more. And so having this conversation helps understanding each other’s lands, what we see and why. I feel maxed out where she’s like, you’re not doing anything today. Of course.

    The polarization.

    Yeah, exactly. I’m picking an extreme example to drive upon home.

    Yeah.

    Does that make sense?

    Yes. Back to our lovely handout here. If you’re looking at the handout, it shows that understanding and openness and polarization image. They both point to one thing, which is communication.

    Yeah. So your communication will reflect, like, your inner dialogue. If you have judgments about the other, that’s what’s going to come out of your mouth, either directly or indirectly. Indirectly. Passiveaggressive.

    Right.

    So you better check yourself first before you communicate, because that’s what’s going to create your world. And what does it mean is where you have a choice. Right. Like my upbringing says, you don’t need to clean. My mother taught me that by her action. And not asking me to clean, she taught me that I don’t need to clean ever. And that’s fine. And I can realize that that was not necessarily the most well balanced education to receive. And maybe you got the extreme other one.

    Yeah. It’s really interesting how both of us are on opposite sides of the spectrum here.

    And so where the choice is now, being grown up adults, I can look at my childhood and revisit my values and what it means to me. And maybe I can reframe that excessive negligence.

    Which is like negligence.

    Yeah. Negligence does not suit me. All right. So I do actually appreciate when everything is in order and I go back to the kitchen, it’s fully ready to be operational, and I have to clean stuff before I could Cook anything. So I have choice. You have choice. Once you know what it means, you can reframe it.

    Yes. I think that’s really the key. Alchemization here is the reframing. Because honestly, until you ask me, what does it mean when we’re having this conversation separately? I never really thought about my Super Catholic upbringing and, like, this belief system that was given to me from my parents about cleanliness. I never examined that before. And it’s like, oh, actually, there’s something here. I don’t believe people are going to go to hell if their house isn’t clean.

    Because otherwise it’s just our identity.

    Yes.

    We have no choice. We just embrace it as this is who I am. Is it really who you are? Is it really who I am? Do I really want to be that person and enforce those beliefs? Actually, no. They were forced onto me, and I can create my own. That suit me better. Okay, so just to finish the handouts, our core teaching is on differentiating thoughts, feelings and needs and values. That’s exactly the conversation we just had in front of you.

    We played that out in real time.

    Yeah. And I hope you noticed my questions when you were saying, well, when I get up in the morning and I see that my first question was, So how do you feel about that?

    Yeah.

    And so instead of going into the right away, the story on the handouts. Thoughts are stories, analysis, comparisons, judgments, strategies, and many more. But those are the crooks of thoughts. So if you stay in stories, we’ll never going to agree with each other, right? So, no, the crumbs need to go away. No, they’re approved that. People, this is a lively house. So if we argue on the strategies, we can argue forever. If we only talk about judgments, we’re going to argue forever. So the first question I asked her was, how do you feel about that? And then the second question I asked was, what does it mean to you? Because what does it mean? Points to feelings. What does it mean? And then what does it mean? Points to values. And if we understand each other’s values, then we can come together.

    And I feel so much more understood.

    Right.

    I feel connected. Yeah. Dropping into feelings is super sexy, like getting out of the stories, and it just brings it a layer deeper.

    Yeah. So I hope that was valuable for you. And we came to this place where we could find a win win. Right. But if one of the couple stays in Polarization or does not want to find a win win. Maybe we’re going to have to place a boundary to protect our needs.

    What’s the boundary?

    Well, let’s investigate that next week.

    All right, sounds good. Just a friendly reminder if you did enjoy our podcast please give us the five star rating and leave us even better leave us a review on whichever app you get your podcast from. Just be super helpful and always if you know someone who can benefit from the message that we’re trying to share please send it to them. Pass it on.

    Yeah if you go to relationshipalchemy.com on the podcast tab you can click on all those little logos and icons to listen to our podcast on your favorite app and you also can listen to them on the website. You can download the free handouts and I re recommend at least the one from today. I think it was concise and to the point. I really recommend you print it until you integrate how to do this and lastly go to the Bible tab if you want the whole thing I will want to let them which is the book?

    All right, all right, we’ll see you guys next time.

    All right, be kind be well.

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