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Trauma Healing To Save Your Relationship!

    Can Trauma Healing save your relationship? We think so!

    When we fall in love, it’s easy to appreciate everything about our special person. But soon enough, the inevitable differences arise, we poke at each other’s trauma, and we get triggered.

    A couple came to therapy recently wanting to improve their communication skills. We soon realized that even though they were triggering each others, it was not really about the other person. 90% of their triggers were about past trauma.

    Definition of Trauma or Shadow: “A belief system that arises from an early core wound, that I still use to cope with the world.”

    1. A belief system: “People are trying to take advantage of me. Life is fragile. I don’t deserve to be loved. Everybody ends up leaving me. People don’t change.”

    2. An early core wound (aka trauma): A trauma can be a single, clearly defined event. Like being raped or emotionally overpowered. Or it could spread over the span of many years. My grandmother never brutalized me. But her incessant judgments over 15 years left me scared.

    3. Coping with the world: This belief system has helped you cope with a difficult situation that happened when you were young and vulnerable. When similar situations present themselves into adult life, you still unconsciously use the same outdated strategies that you developed as a child.

    In this episode, you’ll learn about:

    1. The 2 types of trauma.
    2. The therapy modalities that woks and those that don’t.
    3. How to dissolve Trauma and your negative beliefs.

    Recommended book: No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with the Internal Family Systems Model, by Richard Schwartz Ph.D.

    Our free handout is available for download as you listen in: https://relationshipalkemy.com/free-downloads/

    Audio Version

    Video Version

    Hi. Welcome back to our podcast RelationshipAlkemy. I’m Jordan Bessaignet.

    And I’m Olivier.

    And today we are going to be talking about trauma healing to save your relationship.

    Yeah. That’s kind of a bold statement. Right. Like, wow, to save your relationship. Do you think that trauma healing can save relationships?

    I think trauma healing can save your relationship. Yeah. Just to give a little bit of background information about our personal experience with trauma healing, which is also called therapy.

    Right.

    Or shadow work or shadow work. Yeah. I really believe that healing your trauma will help your relationship succeed.

    It’s just a couple of people recently came back to us and said, wow, you save my relationship. I mean, one said, you saved my life because it’s such a life changing paradigm.

    Yeah, it really is.

    And of course, when we get into a relationship, it’s so intimate that we poke at each other’s trauma and it reveals each other’s trauma. So if we don’t heal it, then the relationship will become about each shadow going at each other, each trauma pulling and pushing at each other instead of being together.

    Yeah. I’ve had past relationships and not even necessarily like intimate sexual relationships, but even like friendships that were quite deep and intimate. And before I really had the words to explain what was happening, I would say that our demons are playing with each other. I just felt like every time I got with this person, our demons got together and they were like having a great time.

    That’s exactly what it is.

    So, yeah. Just to go into more of the definition, what exactly would you call shadow or trauma or our demons?

    Yeah, totally. I mean, the first thing is when people are possessed by their demons, when we are I mean, everybody has a shadow. Kind of the fate of being a human on this Earth, and maybe it’s our soul growth University is to deal with that. We all have scars and we all have shadow. So for me, the definition of shadow is a belief system that arises from an early core wound that I still use to cope with the world. Let me say again, a belief system that arises from an early core wound that I still use to cope with the world. So a belief system. So I believe something about the world. Okay. And we’re talking about the negative belief because it comes from an early core wound, something that happened trauma, something that happened when we were a child and that we’re still used to cope. And the keyword is to cope with the world. So when the world is not giving me what I need, when I’m in difficult position, it’s hard for me to cope. Then I use this belief system to cope with the world. But it comes from an early child wound.

    And so as a child, we don’t have full agency. We under the responsibility of adults. And so we might find strategies at the time to cope with a difficult moment, like lying, sneakiness or disconnecting dissociating. Those are strategies that we form as Childs, to cope as children. Thank you. To cope with the world we’re living in as children. And now we’re still using the same strategies, but we’re not children anymore.

    But that’s the thing. We’re not children anymore. And then just to give an example, so our son, he is one now. And for those that haven’t been following or don’t necessarily know our story, our son had a really traumatic introduction to life, almost died, was in the hospital for a really long time. And his first year of life, he was in and out of the hospital. Multiple doctors involved just very traumatizing.

    The first six weeks, at least the first month was like, is he going to die? Yeah, even the first year. But the first month was.

    Really traumatizing for us to go through as parents and also for our son to have his first experiences on Earth be super traumatic. And so it’s really interesting watching him develop now and just seeing the strategies that he uses that naturally rise out of being a human. For example, crying. He gets into huge crying fits, which is completely normal for his age.

    Yeah. But before the hospital, or at least the October visit, he was so chill. He was our little Buddha, and he was crying sometimes, but he was not needy. He was like, oh, something happened to me or I’m teething. So something is happening to me. I’m crying. But now after that last bit of state, that was really difficult for him, he tends to wake up with night terrors or when he’s uncomfortable, it gets re needy. And I was not before. So we can see it was black and white. It’s cut dry.

    Yeah. And I guess it’s just really interesting having this perspective on trauma as parents who want to move consciously through this world. And it’s really just crazy to watch the process happen of a distinct personality change after the event of trauma.

    So it’s not yet. We don’t know if it’s a personality change yet. So it’s a personality traits. So it’s a difference of a habit.

    Right. So there’s a distinct difference of habits. And that might be anchored as a personality trait if that mindset is reinforced throughout the next couple of years of his development.

    So most people, when they think of how depressed they are or how uncomfortable they are, they think, I am broken. There’s something wrong with me. And in our Western world, in the mainstream, there’s still, sadly, an idea that people who go to therapy are broken. Oh, they are mentally sick, so they need therapy. Right. But the first thing to distinguish is to differentiate is that trauma happens to us. And so the demon, the shadow, is not us. It’s something we have and we have acquired through an event or through time, through repetition for the habits. Okay. And so people go like, well, I’m not broken. I don’t need therapy. Well, you’re not, but you have something that can be talked about and addressed because otherwise shame and advancement come in. And I don’t want to be seen in my shit, but it’s not you. So the language is very important here. It’s not your overall well, something has happened like a child, something has happened to him, and now he’s coping in a difficult way. And it could become, we don’t know yet. It could become a belief system. So is that life is fragile, and I can die at any moment, and I’m fragile.

    That could be the belief system that he can develop, or it could be I can survive anything. So how do you think that child or that person will interact in the world in terms of what he wants to create, the kind of job he has and the kind of relationship he has? How does he interact in relationship from either that mindset of life is dangerous. I’m fragile. Anything can happen to me or the people that I love. Somebody can die at any moment, or I can survive anything. And I believe that anybody can survive anything as well. We tend to project our belief system to others. So going into an intimate relationship, coming from mindset A or mindset B, can completely change the dynamic.

    It’s going to be a drastically different each path is drastically different.

    That’s why we say to save your relationship, because depending on the belief system that you used to cope with the world, you will create a different interaction with different intimate relationship. Yeah.

    And just to speak on that more from a personal point of view, my experience with therapy was deeply enlightening. It’s really interesting to catch all of well, it’s interesting to work with someone who has been trained and who can understand the human psyche. First of all, that’s just mind blowing to me. And someone who can understand your psyche and you can share with them from your point of view, and they can help you transform once you share. Oh, this is like what my inner world looks like. And then you’re basically trusting this person to go in with, I like to say surgeon hands, very precise, very clean. There’s no clumsiness, and they can, you know, kind of like stitch that part back together.

    Yeah.

    And in return, they’re gifting you a new way to look at things. And that’s what my therapist did with me. That’s what I would want from a therapist. Yeah.

    Like my therapist when I was doing therapy for two years, the modality was great. And we’re going to talk about modalities and what works and what doesn’t work or what’s sufficient and what is not. But she gave me such she was like 72, 73. She created the AIT modality. So she has a lot of wisdom, and she’s also a Sufi practitioner. So she held a lot of I mean, she rebalanced a lot of things for me, like in terms of wisdom, of what’s true, what’s not. So give me, like, read anchor, a wise anchor to go like, yeah, this is what works. This is what doesn’t work, or at least choose for myself. This is what’s right for me. This is what’s not right for me. And passing on that wisdom, passing on that and not as this is the way you should think. It’s like asking good questions, sharing some experience, and then for me or for whoever is going through it to figure out what is true for them and what is not. And to change the narrative, like to reframe the narrative in a balanced way so that you get your pieces back together and you hold again and you can have that self confidence going, this is who I am.

    This is what I believe in. And I can drive with my purpose in the world. That’s really what it gives me. Yeah.

    It’s a really beautiful, touching share, because you also offer counseling sessions to others and you use a certain modality that we’re going to go into. But hearing your experience with your therapist really shows me what you’re hoping to accomplish with your offering, with your offering of services.

    And this is amazingly what I’ve experienced. I mean, just yesterday with that amazing woman, she rebooted down and she was speaking about herself. She was saying, What I want is to be in the world where everybody is aligned with their spirituality, their own connection to God, and we can interact with each other to support each other so that everyone is in their lights balanced and with their connection with the real. Like, wow, you’re taking the words out of my own mouth. This is what I’m doing exactly right now. And that’s exactly what we are doing together. So that some of the things that she has doubts about, like she can re anchor her own truth and go way more powerfully with her work in the world and her purpose. And then I don’t know, that’s how we spend the life, isn’t it?

    Yeah. So let’s get into a little bit more about trauma and some understanding here. So from my understanding, there’s two types of trauma.

    Right.

    And the first type of trauma is an event.

    So, yeah, there are two types of trauma. The first one is when there’s a traumatic event. And that’s something you can pinpoint in time and say, this is what happened to me that day. I remember my mother, my father shed of me in the closet or in the bathroom. And I’m not going to share names, but I’m using real life examples or being yelled ads in the back of the car or not being held as a baby. I mean, being yelled at the back of the car is clearly in advance or any physical abuse or rape or sexual abuse, emotional abuse, that’s events. And usually it comes with being pinned down or trapped. So the car, the closet, the bathroom, and they kind of like escape, which means their possibility for self agency has been removed from this part.

    This is my favorite. We are both extremely geeks about just the different type of systems out there, and the animals system is so fascinating. We watch National Geographic like crazy. We really bond over it and anything science, we love to watch. And actually the reptilian brain processes things in the sense of fight or flight. Is that correct?

    Fight, flight or freeze. Because if you’re in front of a Trex, you better freeze. We remember that very good lesson from Jurassic Park. Yes, but in front of the Leopards, you better run National Geographic. The antelope, they see the Leopards, they run, they run and they outrun them. Afterwards, they shake them and they shake up the trauma and they move on.

    And then they just eat their grass until it happens again. So that’s in this constant cycle of life.

    Yeah. Because they drink the same pounds.

    Sure.

    Everybody’s together, predators and prey. Yeah. But unfortunately, we lost that capacity as humans being because we tend to attach meaning to stuff.

    Right.

    So if I almost got eaten, it means life is terrifying. We anchor something about it, right?

    Like if someone has a near death experience, a belief is anchored. And from that we, as humans like to attach meaning. What does it mean? Well, it means that maybe I wasn’t supposed to live, and now I need to move in fear throughout the world or something. X-Y-Z.

    Well, when it comes down to the six year old being, like, yelled at or beaten up in the closet, it means I’m lovable right? I don’t belong. I’m attached to this person who is my caretaker, and my survival depends on them. And at the same time, I’m rejected. So it means I’m not worthy.

    Then this is where the reptilian leftovers that we carry in our brain can sometimes pop in of flight or freeze, and someone might freeze in that moment.

    Yes. So if the capacity to fight back or flee is removed because we’re pinned down and we’re facing something that’s very hard to process emotionally, like your caretaker not protecting you, but attacking you, which is the opposite of what they’re supposed to do. So if your agency has been removed and this is impossible to process, then it becomes a loop. Okay. And it’s an emotional loop. Sometimes we remember the images, but sometimes the memory blocks them. We don’t even remember the images, but the feeling, the emotions, the sensations, they stay anchored in the body. We’ve just read that book from Bessaignet Clock. The body keeps. The body keeps the score. The body will remember it.

    Our nervous system is hardwired to remember everything that we do. And this is really interesting coming out of this. I love what the author of The Body Keeps the Score does is because he relates trauma specifically to science and comes at it. He’s an MD, so he comes at it from a very scientific approach of like, this is what’s actually happening in your nervous system when moments when you go through moments like these, these are the after effects of to your nervous system. Like PTSD, anxiety, depression.

    Yeah. So PTSD, for example, people don’t necessarily remember the sequence of events in a linear fashion. They’re not necessarily able to explain what happened, but they can’t sleep at night. They have to numb themselves with self medication, dissociation, numbness, et cetera.

    Yeah. Because their body just feels constantly like they’re reliving that memory, which they might not have access to or they might have access to who depends on the case. And every day for them is.

    Yeah, it’s hard to cope.

    It’s hard to cope because they’re having this trauma response in their body, even though it looks like nothing is happening.

    Yeah. Their body is on constant alerts, although nothing is happening. It doesn’t make sense. So it creates that loop. It’s very hard to cope with.

    So the second type of trauma that can be encountered would be called ongoing trauma.

    Correct.

    Tell us a little bit about what that means.

    Well, ongoing trauma, this is more like me because I didn’t have, like, a threatening childhood in terms of physical events. But my grandmother was very abusive. And so it would be every day ongoing. Like, why don’t you cut your hair? Be like this. Be like, that homework was excruciating. And she’d be like your slot mother and your weak father all the time. All the time.

    So she’s very emotionally abusive.

    She was emotionally abusive. She was very manipulative. It was always push or pull. It had to be going her way. So basically, the other person don’t exist. She could not see me. That’s what I the message I received. So I created this energetic shield because I was also trapped. I had to suffer for hours of that rent all the time. And at first I was chaotic. At some point, I found a way to cope with it, which was to create the shield. And now she can I could see it. I could see her energy, like, being deflected by this bubble around me. I was just not there suffering through it. And that created some problems in my intimate relationships later where my partner would say, it’s hard to access you sometimes, especially when we’ll be fighting, I would go into my tower and be unaccessible but safe. So that’s an ongoing trauma where it’s the drip four years, ten years, 15 years until we move out, until we’re 20 or something like that. So it could be a 20 year long drip trauma, and that’s an ongoing trauma. So it’s really hard to say. Well, I can boil down to this or that, right.

    It wasn’t necessarily just one event. There was no car crash, there was no fire. But what I’m hearing about ongoing trauma is I love how you relate it to the steady dripping, because through like, you can see it in caves when water constantly drips for eons, like 20 years, 20 years. And it creates these huge divots. And that sounds like exactly what ongoing trauma is when there’s a little bit of trauma or nothing that can be pinpointed in the moment as that was traumatizing or traumatic. Like, there was no specific event, but it’s a continuous, ongoing thing.

    Control, manipulation, manipulation, judgments.

    Name calling, all of that power struggles.

    Power.

    Yeah. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t have any type of ongoing trauma in their life.

    Yeah.

    Because you said earlier at the beginning of the podcast that we just have the human curriculum and there’s no way to escape.

    Even with our son, because it’s fault. It’s not our fault. Nobody’s fault.

    Yeah. And I think this is a really beautiful time for you to share your experience of your mindset, which thousands of humans coming in with no trauma. And your dispute slate.

    Yeah. It’s true. Like, studying Tantra was such, like, affirming for me. And so 2001, 2002, et cetera. And it re reframed the world for me. And I had this belief that if we can unlearn all the crap that we’ve learned, we come whole and we come spiritual and I mean, we come in.

    Right.

    Well, it looks tested and I have to reframe it.

    Yeah.

    And I see that everybody comes in with something. Yeah. And now I see that something is the thing that they are given to work with during that lifetime as human beings. And it’s such a specific it’s just a particular experience.

    Yeah. And I really relate this to ancestral lineage. There’s a lot there of ancestral trauma and the family that you do choose to come into. And like, if you’re a believer of light warriors, XYZ, et cetera, that we were assigned our work and we have our work to do throughout this lifetime, which kind of pops into your book that you wrote, which is there.

    It is a journey into intimacy and conscious communication. A journey. Like a hero’s journey.

    A hero’s journey. Yeah. Relating it to the hero’s journey. And we are the individual character, the main character, so to say, in our lives. And, yeah, we have work to do and we have shadows to confront.

    Page 37, confronting your shadow. I don’t know if it shows on the camera. Confronting your shadow.

    Yeah. Confront your shadow and slay your Dragon.

    I love that. If I just find the right person, I’m going to finally have this amazing, ideal relationship, and it’s going to be a switch. But now it’s going to be journey because you’re bringing your stuff. They’re bringing their stuff.

    Yeah. And this brings us back to trauma healing to save your relationship.

    So you were talking about different types of trauma. And you’re right, there’s personal trauma. We talked about ongoing and event trauma, but there’s also family trauma. And there’s also social how do you say that? Social, social trauma.

    Social trauma from the system that we are.

    So, for example, as Native American.

    Yeah.

    That’s pretty obvious. But the Western worlds have their own social trauma.

    Yeah. Here in America, there’s a lot of shame around sex, but then also the over sexualization of women. I mean, there’s so many lenses through the system. That’s what I like to call it the system. And the system has their own agenda and what they’re trying to implement. And they do their fair share of traumatizing.

    So personal, family, social, cultural trauma, not even mentioning potential past life traumas. So I know that certain spiritualities, they call it Karma, Karma. And you can call it Karma. You can call it past life trauma. I guess we’re here to unpack it and to go through our hero’s Journey’s.

    Journey through our trauma. And it’s really funny when I talk about this with friends and sometimes it gets dark real quick. And I always like to offer a reflection of, well, what else is there to do?

    What else is there to do?

    What else is there to do?

    Yeah. Stop you’re being so draining and negative about talking all that heavy stuff. Right.

    Yeah.

    But here’s the thing. If we don’t talk about it, it’s still there. It’s still there and it’s still pulling out strings, even when I mean, you better look at it. Otherwise it will pull your strings without you even knowing it. And you’re going to be the victim of your life and victim of the world. So I believe in self empowerment, self agency. So you got to face it.

    Yeah. It is a difficult process and it is a slow process, and it isn’t something. I mean, sometimes it can happen with a flip of a switch, and also it could take years. So just be gentle with yourself and find a practitioner.

    Let’s talk about the different modalities. Yeah.

    Find a modality that works for you because that is huge. So for example, for me, I cannot relate to talk therapy. Talk therapy is when you go to a counselor therapist and you talk about your trauma. Yeah. I find this really helpful when you need to just be heard. Yeah. Talk trauma is useful or sorry, talk therapy is useful for some people.

    Well, it’s part of the process.

    It’s a part of the process.

    You got to start there.

    Yeah.

    And for some people, it’s already.

    And for some people, it’s a lot. Yeah.

    But just. That won’t be enough.

    Right? That won’t be enough. And so that brings us to somatic therapy, which can you give us a little bit of information about that?

    Well, yeah, exactly. The title of the book, The Body Keeps the Score. I’m glad somebody did all the research and scientific research. I mean, just reading the title, I was like, duh.

    Right.

    Of course, the value keeps the score. But reading the research was also interesting. But I’m going to save you. It’s like 500 pages.

    Yeah. It’s a long book.

    Yeah. So just talking about the trauma means we’re spinning in stories. And if you heard our previous podcast, we can feel stories forever. We got a job into the feelings and the needs. And when it comes to trauma, those feelings at the time, the way we described it just a few minutes ago, those feelings of being attacked, being trapped, not being able to fight back or flee, all those things that get stored in the body. So unless you find a modality that allows you to unload those feelings on burden would be the term for Ifs. We are going to talk about Ifs in a minute, then you can address it. But those feelings are going to still be stored in your body. So you need to find a way to unload them. And I’m not talking about just bashing a pillow with your fist or with a bat.

    That helps. That can help that.

    But it needs to be a deeper process. And in the book, he talks about a few modalities we’re going to talk about Ifs. He also talks about EMDR and newer feedback, you can research it and investigate it. It’s more machine oriented. And yeah, it works pretty amazingly to access and dissolve the trauma. What I like about it does that. But also we change our belief system by rebalancing the parts inside of us.

    Right. Yeah. Let’s move into the next part of this podcast of speaking about ISS, what that means, who created it because you are an Ifs practitioner.

    Right. So that’s my modality for helping people in private sessions. This recute couple came in like two months ago, and they were like, well, we have problems. Can we have communication advice? Because they came to our class really quickly into the conversation, they were poking at each other’s trauma. So I worked with them separately on their trauma. And then last week I had them come again together and ask them, So how is it going with your communication? And they said, great. We didn’t even talk about anything about communication. So 80% of what you think you need to learn in terms of your brain needing to learn communication styles or the way to say things better or to cope with triggers is out the window. You don’t need any of that if you address your trauma.

    Right. So Ifs is Ifs is short for internal family systems.

    Exactly.

    And the creator of this modality, his name is Richard Shorts.

    Correct.

    And let’s go into more of the process and kind of like what makes this modality so different from any other modality. Yeah. You’ve expressed before that you find it super helpful.

    It’s very gentle.

    It’s very gentle. Yeah.

    And it’s vision oriented. Okay. So you close your eyes and you go into your inner world and we create a scene of things happening. Okay. And we talk. I cannot say that it’s a parts work. So the psyche is made of different parts, different voices. If you say part of me.

    Part of me wants to eat some chocolate cake right now, but part of me always wants to eat chocolate cake. But the other part of me is really focused on this podcast.

    Okay. Well, it could be like part of me wants to go work out, but part of me is silent. Part of me wants therapy, but part of me wants intimacy and falling in love, but Parami is really scared. Okay. So those different voices, they are part of you, and they might be polarized. Part of me wants this, but the other part was the opposite. And so as long as we believe that there’s a polarization or it stays this way, we’re stuck. And so we have protectors that protect ourselves so that we can be safe.

    Right. And I love this breakdown of the psyche that Richard Schwartz came up with, because for me, it was really affirming to hear about this because for a long time I thought I was crazy.

    Right.

    There are so many voices in my head. So many parts of later, which I learned were just different parts of my psyche that had developed alongside of me. And some people would tell me because some of my parts were so polarized, like, oh, you have multiple personalities. I don’t know what’s going on with you. Like, some days you’re hot, some days you’re cold. And he’s like, why doesn’t anyone understand me? So coming into this relationship and hearing about ISS from you really set me onto a deep dive of the psyche. And like, oh, yeah, it was just really affirming. Like, okay, you’re not crazy. It makes total sense that as you develop through childhood into adolescents, into early adulthood, into XYZ, that there are going to be parts of you that develop as well. And through those parts, you also have yourself, right? Your essence, your true self, which I would define as, like, not marked by trauma. This is like your spirit, your soul.

    It’s a little drip of God.

    Yeah. The little drip of God that you are your essence and you have yourself. I have my three year old self, my infant self, my rebellious teenager.

    So we would also call them parts.

    Yeah. I have a lot of different parts.

    Like your three year old parts, your six year old parts, and then your teenager part.

    Yeah. They want to be heard.

    Yeah. They’re still alive.

    They’re still alive.

    Especially if there’s trauma. They’re still stuck in time. Yeah. And so as long as they’re stuck in time, they continue knocking at the door and saying, hey, get me out of there.

    Yeah. And a good resource for this, if you guys are interested. Richard Schwartz just wrote a book recently his newest book, and it’s called no Bad Parts, Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with the Internal Family Systems model.

    So I haven’t read this book because I haven’t read all the books. That’s the last one. It’s probably really good. The one I’ve read or listened to reader is this ODU book. It’s called Greater than the Sum of Our Parts. And it has a spiritual component to it. So that’s the self that you were talking about that is greater than the sum of our parts. We are not just the sum of our parts. We also have the self.

    We also have self. Yeah.

    And I highly recommend this one. There’s another one on relationships and intimacy. So this model is so beautiful and amazing.

    Yeah. And we’ll link those in our show notes if you’re interested and want to gain just more resources out there to understand this modality.

    So contrary to a lot of spiritual beliefs, the self does not need training. It does not need guidance. It does not need to be formed. It’s been there all along. And as we’re children and we need caretakers, we do not have access to that self to be our parents. But when we’re grown adults, we can access ourselves to be our leader, our guide, to be us. But when we clogged with all those different voices that want to blend with us and do this, no, do that instead. You should be this. You’re not this all those voices, they clogged our space. And so we don’t have access to the self. And so the work is to unblan from those parts, talk to them and understand what they have to say, what their message is. And some of them heal their trauma. Okay. And reconnect them to the self instead of the parents or the failing parents at the time.

    Right. And I’ve heard this phrase mentioned about ifs and just want to make sure I’m getting all of this. Right. But I’ve heard protectors and managers.

    Yes.

    And so what you’re just explaining.

    Would those be considered protectors or so the protectors are the polarized parts. Like I said at first, a belief system that we developed that arises from an early core warrant this belief system. The managers and the protectors have those belief systems. They tell us, this is not safe. This is what you should say or do. Don’t contradict people because you get beaten up. Remember when you were six, right.

    Right.

    Or try to please them because otherwise they will abandon you. Remember when you were three, right. So those are protectors. They are part of us.

    So these are pieces of our psyche that have developed, usually from trauma, and they’re really just there to ensure that trauma, that specific trauma does not happen again.

    What’s interesting is that they’re there anyways. They are there anyways. But they have taken on a role of a protector or manager in a certain way because of the traumatic events okay. And the role initially is, for example, I’m thinking of this woman who had a people pleasing part. Okay. Like, I do anything for you, and we impact it and where it came from. And that part, when we heal the trauma, we came back to the part and we asked the part, do you need to please people that way anymore? And the part was like, no. So we asked the part, so do you want to transform and have another job? And the parts wanted to be the radar. She was so good attending what people wanted from her or what they needed. But instead of jumping in and pleasing them, we’ll say, okay, stop, you’re just the rater and you pass the information along to the self and the other parts. And now that we have a better balanced system, we will act differently.

    Right, right.

    But she can still scan. So originally it was a quality of a scanner of other people’s emotions.

    Yeah.

    But it became a needy part, or the belief was like, I need to please those people. So I’m loved and we healed that part. So that manager was not a manager anymore. It was just a radar.

    Yeah. And the manager is free to transform and actually be useful in a different way.

    Part of the system.

    Yeah. Part of the system of scanning and in a balanced way. Yeah, that to me. I love that because I’m deeply intrigued by the human psyche and why we think the way we think and why we’ve been conditioned to think the way we think. And yeah, that’s just so fascinating to me.

    So the managers, we just talked about the managers and how they become managers and they’re managing an exile, which is usually the three year old or six year old. The little one has been traumatized because if we have access to that part of us, we’re going to feel overwhelmed with sensations and we’re going to be nonfunctional. That’s the fear of the managers. So they keep us away from the little one or they keep the little one in jail. That’s not a way to see it, because at the time it was overwhelming for the system. But now that we’re grown up, maybe we can process it. So the work is to go to the little one, to the three year old, to the six year old, to the twelve year old, and really understand their reality and have them connect with us, with the self so that we can process it together so they’re not stuck in time with their overwhelmed experience. The thing that they could not process at the time. Now we can process it. Yeah.

    And this is really interesting. Coming back to our son. We have to take him to doctor’s appointments. And during these post doctor appointments with his surgeon, the surgeon has to stick her finger into his rectum to make sure that all of his tissue is healing nicely so that there’s not a second surgery anyway. So there’s no additional surgery. And it’s hard to explain to a one year old, hey, this woman we do our best of to make sure it’s slow and gentle and we’re going to tell him verbally what’s going on. But the reality is he’s one, he’s nonverbal, and he can’t understand that this woman needs to stick her finger into his rectum to make sure that he’s healing.

    And we’re pinning him down for the worst part is we have to pin him down and we know what it means. That’s re rough.

    Yeah. And we’re watching this trauma happen to our son even being a part of it. And I guess where I was going with this really dark, bleak story is that our son is blessed with great parents who understand trauma and how it affects us. And as a one year old, I’m assuming he’s going to have to do some work in the future where he comes back and understands from his lens as a teenager, as an adult, whenever he does this and sees like, okay, they weren’t trying to hurt me or I don’t know.

    Whatever he’s going to think it’s going to be really hard to access because it’s not going to be a memory that you can tell the story of. It’s going to be just a mixed bag of feelings.

    Right.

    But every time. So we compensate. I don’t know what word to use best by comforting him all the time when he’s distressed that he’s okay. Okay. So it’s not repeated. It’s just like this one thing that’s really uncomfortable. And so it’s working. But at some point, you’re right, we’re going to have to I mean, at least we know instead of going.

    Oh, I don’t know why he’s like this.

    It’s just him, his personality.

    Yeah. He’s just a night owl.

    Yeah. I was so curious. At the hospital, one of the nurse who said, oh, this one is going to have controlling issues or something.

    Yeah. She just made like a really off comment. Yeah. Bless that nurse and her work. And she made a comment saying like, oh, yeah, he’s going to have control issues. And it’s like, wow, we want to hear it.

    The lack of understanding on how trauma works and the lack of information in a hospital setting. They saved his life, but the lack of information on how Summer works was just dying anyway.

    Yeah. There is like in the Western medical system, a lack of the humans, the understanding of the human psyche. And I mean, bringing this to an awareness of the system that is being perpetuated. We also see this in the police force. The police are called and someone’s having a mental breakdown because maybe they’re a PTSD. Ptsd. Maybe they have something going on, who knows? But instead the police come. I mean, you see this in the black community all the time. The police come. And not one police car comes, but like seven police cars come and someone that should have been met with gentleness and is having clearly something going on, but instead they’re met with force, which in turn triggers other parts of that human. And this is a vicious cycle in the American system.

    And usually it’s addressed with medication and it’s addressed with medication. And what I love about the book, The Body Keeps the Score, is how he proves that medication is so Unefficient. So it might be in the moment appeasing symptoms. But the older you get, if your trauma is unresolved, the more it anchors and it will kill you physically. With cancer, it becomes fundamental. It becomes a physical issue.

    Right. And I mean, there’s so many resources out there. Like this is not something we’re making up because we’re spiritual people or whatever is some other people might think. But this is like an actual phenomenon that happens to humans.

    So just to wrap up with Ifs and a couple of Disi fighting experiences that I had when I came across with Ifs, I took a seven day workshop with Richard Shorts himself. And then I was looking for Ifs therapist. And so I went through their registry or on their website, and I find a couple of people that seem to be top notch. Well, I find somebody locally that’s supposed to be the best around. And I went to her and we were mapping protectors and managers and exiles, and we were talking a lot about what happened, possible trauma sources and what the protectors and managers were believing in. So the belief system. And I was getting impatient like 2345 sessions. So when is the healing going to happen? And it took me a while to realize it took a session with Richard Schwarzen himself. Now, he’s not taking any client, but I had the chance. I mean, it was from somebody he knew. And so he offered a session with me and the person I was with in the relationship. And in less than 20 minutes, he just pinpoint the trauma and burst it like a bubble.

    But it’s not that he’s doing. He’s just asking questions. And so we’re doing it. But instead of just going around and around about all the story, he went straight to the point that’s called the invertening. And I understand that people that have a PhD or are very scholars understand that they might be fascinated with how things work, the science and the stories. And somebody asked me, you think they’re just about the money and they want to keep you longer? I don’t think so. I think that they’re just fascinated and obsessed with the stories and how it works. But a good practitioner will be obsessed with being burdening, not the stories, because we can unburden trauma and we can dissolve trauma with knowing very little about the story and the story just like the trailheads. And then we go into the feelings and it’s almost like the energetic of it.

    Yeah, it’s really interesting. I think we should link the example in the show notes. There is a podcast that I really like to listen to, Opera Marcus’s podcast, and he actually interviewed Richard shorts, and they did a session on the podcast, and at the time when we listened to it, we were in the kitchen prepping for the food truck, And I was just mind blown that this man can just go straight to the point, Dissolves it in less than 20 minutes. And also, the man he was working with was very aware and had been doing years of his own work through medicine, ceremonies, therapists, counselors.

    Xyz is himself a practitioner.

    Yeah, he himself is a practitioner.

    He went straight.

    He really had a lot of awareness going in.

    So usually what Richard Schwartz can do in 20 minutes, I can do in 60 or 90 minutes, which is already amazing Compared to most modalities, Where it takes months and years to get results. And so it’s all about the inverter, and the inverter is getting to that little one, Getting him out of there and finding a way to unload, to unburden, to unload all these nasty feelings that are still stuck inside his body. And this is where the magic reappens. If you go to an FS therapy therapist and they don’t do that change, find another one. I think what’s fascinating is I’m obsessed with putting my finger directly on the roots and addressing that and unloading that’s been burning. This is really where the magic happens.

    So thank you for today. This is such an amazing this definitely appeals to the very key part of it that just wants more information and wants to deep dive into what I’m interested in. But, yeah, if this is something you’re interested in, you can reach out to Olivier through our website. He does offer private sessions. You can just go to relationshipalcony.com. Oh, yeah.

    There’s a private session tab if you want to click on the private sessions tab.

    We also have our podcast on relationship. Alchemy, if you want to just share this podcast with anyone you think might benefit from hearing it, we also have some free downloads on the website as well. And if you really like this podcast, Please give it a five star rating and leave us a review so we can spread the word. We can spread what we like to see in other people.

    Yeah. It’s really about empowering each person to be in their truth and their own power So that we can meet an intimacy and intimate relationship as equals and not push and pull on our traumas, Because that can spin forever and become hell.

    And that’s not fun. No.

    All right.

    So.

    So subscribe, give us some stars and a review. That’d be great.

    See you next time. Thank you.

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